Will the Real Deity Please Retweet This?

My friends, I have to confess: I’m having a crisis of faith.

You see, as an atheist, I’ve always maintained that if God were real, he would communicate with us clearly and directly and wouldn’t leave human beings to guess blindly at his wishes. Well, honesty leaves me no choice but to admit it: my prayers have been answered. Just the other day on Facebook, I saw a link to this Twitter account, The Tweet of God. Perusing it, it was inescapable that God Himself was reaching down to humanity, in the form of 140-character text messages, to make his almighty will plain. My eyes have seen the light! Amen and hallelujah!

But as I read on, basking in the glorious divine wisdom revealed therein, I felt a horrible worm of doubt insinuate itself into my heart. It was probably some lingering remnant of my fast-fading skepticism, but I couldn’t help feeling it was just remotely possible that this wasn’t the Twitter account of the true Lord and Savior. Blasphemous though my doubt was, I had to have proof.

I did a Google search, hoping to turn up some evidence, and got a horrible shock. On the very first page of my search results was not one, not two, but three other Twitter accounts, all claiming to be the sacred tweets of the Creator – just like the one I’d initially found!

My head awhirl in confusion, I sought desperately for an anchor in the chaos, something solid and dependable that I could believe in. Then it hit me: Jesus! As we atheists all secretly know (though we deny it in public), Jesus Christ is the only Son of God, the risen messiah and the one true light of the world. It was so simple – I could put my faith in Jesus! Surely he wouldn’t lead me astray.

But what happened next, I’m afraid you can already guess. Confidently, like the pilgrims of old, I set out to search for Jesus’ Twitter account – and once again, I found a a myriad of contenders, each one claiming to be the way, the truth and the light. (I also found the Twitter account of Odin, but I suspect that one might be a hoax.) I was hopelessly confused.

And here I am still, spiritually adrift without an anchor. I’ve got to say, telling the one true deity apart from his Twittering imitators is a nightmarishly difficult, near-impossible task. I’m certainly glad we don’t have to face any such dilemmas in the real world!

About Adam Lee

Adam Lee is an atheist writer and speaker living in New York City. His new novel, Broken Ring, is available in paperback and e-book. Read his full bio, or follow him on Twitter.

  • Valerie

    When searching for God and all you find is confusion and insanity, it’s a clear message that Cthulhu is the One True God after all!

  • AssassinGrl

    C’mon, the best place to find Jesus is prison. At least that’s where people are always claiming that they found him. I think he must be serving a pretty long sentence, since people have been finding him there for so long. My bet is he killed someone while in a drunken stupor, after all his blood is wine.

  • Katie M

    Have I been following the wrong Twitter account all this time?!

  • Andrew T.

    Any being with as many contradictory sockpuppets as God is just asking to be banned. :P

  • Darth Cynic

    None of those twitter accounts are genuine for I have no twitter account and I am God!

    No tis true, you see I was praying to God the other night when I realised that I was talking to myself*. Therefore I am God, kneel before me and bask in my glory or I’ll flatten yer home and send the pox upon thee and thy seed for seven generations or so!

    * – Not my original work, as best I recall this was uttered by Peter O’Toole.

  • ManaCostly

    Sarcasm points +5

  • L.Long

    And the average theostard who would read the article would still not be smart enough to get the message.

  • Izkata

    @Valerie: Cthulhu actually has possible “evidence” – the Bloop’s origin has been triangulated to within 1100 miles of R’lyeh… ;)

  • Nathaniel

    Oh no, don’t you see the importance of not being seen?

    If not, this video will enlighten: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zekiZYSVdeQ

  • http://www.freethoughtbooks.org Jerryd

    This is a fun post, but seriously I think this search for the real god could be the answer to the problem of religion. I’m thinking of the recent post regarding Baal, where the Bible itself gives believers the answer, “If Baal really is a god, he can defend himself when someone breaks down his altar.” Or, If any god is real, let him defend or contend for himself. I think we should be pushing for a National Real God Day. Ask congress to hold a joint session, invite all the 2,870 gods/goddesses that Answers.com says history has provided us to the session. All those who show up in person to plead their case we will give deference to when people want to defy the Constitution and put some god, prayers to him/her or scriptural reference thereto into our government. All those who don’t show up forsake all such rights. What fun to have this as an annual event.

  • Wednesday

    How do we know that the Jesus twitter accounts aren’t really all pranks by Loki, Hermes, and Coyote?

  • http://stevebowen58.blogspot.com Steve Bowen

    Surely the real God would have the most followers? Verily Stephen Fry is God.
    BTW Happy “Singles Awareness Day” for tomorrow.

  • KShep

    This is simply NOT possible. God already has his own website:

    http://stuffgodhates.com/

    Those tweeting fakers are all going to hell.

  • http://allogenes.wordpress.com Allogenes

    God was probably the world’s first victim of identity theft.

  • RipleyP

    I would have expected a bit of smiting of fake twitter accounts should it be shown there was some taking in vain.

    I doubt the x-ians will really care that much, they can’t even agree on a single version of the big book. Maybe with all the versions of the big book skydaddy has also split into multiples and as such there are as many skydaddies as there are versions.

    If skydaddy can be father, son and spirit then a few more versions isn’t that hard.

    (yes I am being disrespectful of other beliefs today)

  • http://jetson.wordpress.com Jetson

    I just wrote something a week ago asking why God doesn’t just use technology to get in touch with us! I was amazed at the role that social media on the internet played in the Egypt Revolution, and thought, why can’t God reach out to u this way?

  • FuzzyDuck
  • Ritchie

    LOL, I LOVE the fact that God follows Justin Beiber. Who knew He was a fan?

  • http://twitter.com/almightygod almightygod

    I am the real god. The others are only posing as me.

  • conk

    ALL HAIL LORD CTHULHU

    And hail @almightygod.

  • Bloney

    Twitter’s @almightygod actually cares about the insanity that is modern religion, something few other religious figures do. He must be the real one. The only one that gives me any faith, anyhow.

  • xgibran

    Why should there be a problem with three accounts claiming to be God? Ever heard of the Trinity?

  • @NotSoMightyGod

    Verily I say unto you that Almighty God is tweeting.. @almightygod is reaching out to humanity and his tweets are full of insight, depth and humor (unlike my own). So, my friend, fear not the tweets of the Almighty. Yeah, even unto the end of your days, give praise for this new fount of wisdom bestowed upon you.! Even those of us amongst the lesser pantheon revere him! (You might follow me as well for the occasional witty rejoinder. Thanks!)

  • http://www.jasonmeaux.com Jason

    @almightygod is duh muhfucka, ya urred me? Ain’t but one paterafamilius play baw!

  • http://twitter.com/almightygod almightygod

    Verily, I am-eth the only tweetin’ deity who retweetest the blessed buffoonery of my theistic flock. Then, lo, my twitter followers do discuss and mock, providing pleasing entertainment for all.

  • Gerald

    I pray every morning that I will once again receive a tweet from @almightygod, so I can spread (retweet) his Word for it is Divine. Ye who follow @almightygod know how much joy He brings to our hearts every day.

  • http://www.daylightatheism.org Ebonmuse

    My eyes have been opened! Clearly, almightygod is the one true deity of Twitter, as is incontrovertibly proven by the greater numbers of his followers. Hallelujah!

  • http://allogenes.wordpress.com Allogenes

    Earlier I wrote, “God was probably the world’s first victim of identity theft.” Since then I realized the obvious corollary: the reason the Real God is impossible to find is that He’s hiding from all the people who have been promised stuff by His impostors.

  • http://she-who-chatters.blogspot.com D

    Wonderful! Simply wonderful! I’m using your Twitter analogy to explain every argument from religious confusion going forward. Do you want it to be called “The Ebonmuse Argument from Religious Confusion,” or “The Lee Argument from Religious Confusion?” Do you have any snappy one-liners to summarize the point for stand-up philosophers (e.g. I got my professor to concede that “A wizard did it, and I trust him” is a fundamentally accurate summary of Descartes’ proof of physical objects)?

    Actually, I think the title is pretty good. Lacks punch, though. Can you make it even more derisive? I heart abusive philosophy.


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X