The Twitter Report: The Secret Purpose of Twitter

I probably shouldn’t have said this in public, but now that the cat’s out of the bag, I might as well tell you all as well.

It all started a few days ago with a question about what the median number of Twitter followers is among active accounts. It turns out to be surprisingly low – less than 100 – and people with just 1000 followers are in the 96th percentile. This prompted me to make the following observation:

PZ rejoindered that even being in the top 1% would still put you among a vast horde, and that’s when I made the crucial slip-up.

Well, thanks to my loose tongue, the damage was done. The only thing to do at that point, I thought, was to be completely candid with everyone:

Several people raised questions about this, so the following day I had to post a followup:

I hope this resolves any remaining questions. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have the Illuminati on the other line, and I have to do some fast talking – they’re pretty upset with me for disclosing the space-ark thing, as you can imagine. But as long as I don’t reveal the even more secret connection between Reddit upvotes and the kraken-proof dome cities on the ocean floor, I’m pretty sure I can smooth things over…

“Choose Faith in Spite of the Facts”
Bangladesh Is Killing Atheists
The Rebirth of Nullification in Alabama
Thoughts on the Chapel Hill Shooting
About Adam Lee

Adam Lee is an atheist writer and speaker living in New York City. His new novel, City of Light, is available in paperback and e-book. Read his full bio, or follow him on Twitter.

  • PZ Myers

    Of course, those with under 100K followers only qualify for the B ark.

  • J-D

    What an extraordinary coincidence! _I_ don’t know anything about a global catastrophe in July 2015 either.

    What’s more, I achieved this state of ignorance without even being on Twitter. I wonder how ignorant I could become if I were on Twitter.

    I wonder how many other people don’t know anything about a global catastrophe in July 2015.

  • eyelessgame

    See, this is why I refuse to be on Twitter. That and the 140 character limit.

  • eyelessgame

    (but if you want a real sense of what the B ark will be like, watch Wall-E. They had working hyperdrive and unlimited energy production, and for two hundred years they did *nothing* with it. I concluded about halfway through the movie that all the explorers, scientists, engineers, and everybody else with any drive or purpose had been on other vessels and had long since colonized the rest of the universe. The meek eventually returned to reinherit the Earth.)

  • Pattrsn

    You fools it’s a cookbook!