Marcus Bachmann Has His Cause Figured Out

Should Marcus Bachmann become the First Gentleman of the United States — which is about as likely as me getting that position — he says his big cause will be bashing gay people.

“I’ve decided my cause is not going to be happy meals,” he said during a stop at the Family Table Restaurant here, apparently a dig at Mrs. Obama.

“We are going to be the message-givers,” said Mr. Bachmann, who runs a Christian counseling service that has been accused of trying to “heal” gays by persuading them to become heterosexual.

“We are going to get this message across,” he said. “Marriage is between one man and one woman. We are going to promote families.”

Unless those families include gay people, of course. Then they aren’t real, Jesus-approved families and he couldn’t care less about them.

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  • DaveL

    “We are going to be the message-givers,”

    Sure, that way when he gets caught two years down the road with his hands on a naked man he can say he was only off by one letter.

  • He misspelled “servicing” as “bashing.”

  • d cwilson

    We are going to promote families.

    So, you’re going to help working families earn a living wage so that they can support their children? No? How about help make health care for children more affordable? Educational initiatives? Job training? What about taking a stand against domestic abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction, or any of the other myriad factors that lead to the break down of the family?


    Oh, I see, you’re just going to engage in gay-bashing, you self-hating prick.

  • The Lorax

    Someone should point to him the statistics for heterosexual divorce compared to homosexual divorce. Not that it’ll do anything, obviously he won’t even read it. But, you know. Might as well try.

    If it doesn’t work, write the statistics on a baseball bat and beat him with it. In fact, screw the statistics. Someone give me a baseball bat.

  • Uncle Glenny

    And it’s the Family Table restaurant, too. How wholesome.

  • ArtK

    @ d cwilson

    I’m sure he loves his prick. It’s the rest of himself that’s the problem.

  • davidct

    But Jesus was a failed “end of times” prophet who did not approve of families. It’s in the bible so it must be true.

  • Unless those families include gay people, of course.

    Not at all, Ed! Marcus is perfectly willing to promote families that include gay people — provided those gay people are married to opposite-sex spouses. If a gay guy wants to be in a family worthy of promotion by Marcus Bachmann, all that guy has to do is find a woman willing to marry a gay man. Two more points: She doesn’t have to be named Michele and Marcus can provide tips on how to find one.

  • raven

    Many Americans don’t believe in hell, but what about pastors … – Similar

    1 Aug 2009 – The soft sell on hell reflects an increasingly market-conscious approach … COMPARE CHANGES IN U.S. RELIGIONS OVER 2 DECADES … Only 59% of Americans believe in hell, compared with 74% who believe … Evangelical Christians have traditionally offered a sterner view of salvation and damnation. …

    Roughly half of all US xians no longer believe in hell or satan.

    But they don’t really present the public face of US xianity any more. The so called moderates are all but invisible and have let their religion be taken over by the malevolent fundies.

    The fundies mostly do believe in hell and satan. They are the noise makers and public face of US xianity. They are the haters and liars of our society who want to set up a new Dark Age.

  • raven

    Oops, that last comment was posted to the wrong blog. Sorry.

  • Doug Little

    Can we please ban these fuckwits from using the word family, especially in their organisation names, as they have little idea what it actually means. When will they realize that they are on the wrong side of history and just give the fuck up, it’s getting really, really old.

  • snafu

    The good news is Marcus has about the same chance of becoming the First Lady as I do.

  • Pinky

    This is a small point, but the GOP is a one-trick-pony. No matter what a Democrat does, no matter how much it serves society, a Republican will ridicule it.

    “I’ve decided my cause is not going to be happy meals,” he said during a stop at the Family Table Restaurant here, apparently a dig at Mrs. Obama.

    If a scientist who happened to be a Democrat cured cancer; the conservatives would say: “What – she’s against growth!?”

  • Well, if America is going to go down the shitter, we may as well go full retard, crank the crazy up to 11 and elect “One L” president.

    It would be a comedy fest until she decided to nuke … something. Or everything. She would take her victory as a sign that Jesus had personally selected her to get the tribulation train rolling.

    Anybody know of any deep mine shafts?

  • briandavis

    How will he find the time to go out promoting his vision of family? Won’t he be busy telling his wife what to do?

  • F

    We are going to promote families.

    To lieutenant colonel.

  • Older readers and U.S. history buffs may recall General Al “I am in control here” Haig, who hastened to assure the nation in the wake of Reagan’s shooting that he, the Secretary of State, was on duty. Eventually someone reminded him that the Constitution did not provide for the Secretary of State to take charge in the president’s absence. Later, in 1988, he ran for president. I remember a tongue-in-cheek bumper-sticker that said “Haig for President. Let’s just get it over with.”

    Someone should print up a few of those for Michele Bachmann.

  • Larry

    Ladybird Johnson – Highway beautification

    Michele Obama – Hunger eradication and education

    Nancy Reagan – Drug abuse

    Betty Ford – Breast cancer awareness

    Marcus Bachmann – bashing gays


  • coryat

    “We are going to promote our bourgeois late capitalist conservative American Christian definition of families”

  • dingojack

    Marcus Bachmann Has His Cause Figured Out

    Who hasn’t figured out the cause of Marcus being like he is?


    (and married to Ol’ Crazy Eyes – ugh!)

    🙂 Dingo

  • carolw

    His cause? Momma drank and smoke while she was carrying him?

  • Most of his time would probably be spent picking out outfits for President “One L.”