The Christian Right Beatitudes

During a conversation over dinner tonight, I had a sudden epiphany that someone ought to write up a new list of beatitudes to reflect what the Christian right in this country actually believe, as taught by their version of Jesus. Here’s the new list:

Blessed are the filthy rich, for they shall inherit offshore accounts on the Isle of Man and the Caymans and be showered with tax breaks to free up cash to spend on their mistresses.

Blessed are the wingnuts, for they shall be taken seriously in politics despite being hopelessly ignorant about nearly everything.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth — but only after the powerful screw things up so badly that it’s only good for a Superfund site.

Screwed are they who mourn, for they shall have much more to mourn about soon.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they are lucky not to be the poor in finances because those people are screwed by deeper and deeper spending cuts.

Screwed are they that hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be subjected to unconstitutional surveillance, denied access to courts to challenge the government’s abuse and, quite possibly, sent to Gitmo.

Screwed are the peacemakers, for they shall be labeled as traitors for daring to question the government’s latest justification for blowing up a nation full of brown-skinned people who’ve done nothing to harm or threaten us.

Blessed are the bigots, for they shall be pandered to by the Republican party in a desperate attempt to exploit their ignorance and fear.

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