Astrologers Say Obama to Win Reelection

From the department of stupidity, Reuters actually reports a story about astrologers saying that Obama is going to win reelection in November because of … oh, who the hell cares what it’s because of, some idiotic bit of celestial bullshit that they’ve pulled out of their asses.

The votes are in and it is unanimous: Barack Obama will win re-election to the U.S. presidency in November, according to five astrologers who offered predictions at their convention on Tuesday.

Each of the five astrologers on the presidential panel explained how they came to their assessments, with most relying on studies of celestial charts pertinent to both Obama and presumed Republican nominee Mitt Romney for the date of either the election itself or the next presidential inauguration.

For Chicago astrologist and corporate lawyer Nina Gryphon, it was her study of the Aries ingress – the exact time when the Sun enters the sign of Aries – that clinched the decision. “It’s obvious,” she said. “Obama stays where he is without a change in status.”

But another astrologer has a different bit of “evidence” for the prediction:

Denver astrologer Chris Brennan said his chart study focused on public profiles of the two presidential candidates, both of whom “are entering into peak periods of eminence in the next few months.” But he said there was a key difference: “Obama’s peak period stays consistent throughout the election, whereas Romney’s seems to falter a few weeks before the election,” he said.

Most of the panelists placed a high degree of certainty on their forecast, but a few pointed to potential difficulties Obama may face after his predicted re-election.

“The ingress of Saturn into Scorpio may trouble him,” Brennan said. “It won’t cost him the election, but it may indicate difficulties in the first half of his second term.” ..

As to the election itself, Brennan raised the possibility of the contested 2000 election being revisited.

“We should all be aware of the Mercury retrograde that will occur on election day,” he said, referring to an optical illusion that can make a planet appear to reverse direction temporarily.

Ooh, looks like we have a battle between the “ingress of Saturn into Scorpio” and the “Aries ingress.” A battle to the death. Or to the moronic, more likely. I’d love to hear them try to explain the causal relationship between these astronomical events and votes. They would babble like idiots trying to do so.

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  • http://criticallyskeptic-dckitty.blogspot.com Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort

    Is it just me, or do astrologers speak on a kind of Star Trek-level of technobabble (astrobabble?)

  • tbp1

    I am really puzzled by some of the people who fall for astrology. I know several well-educated, very successful professionals who really seem to swallow it, hook, line, and sinker, like the woman mentioned above who is an “astrologist and corporate lawyer.” (This of course assumes she really believes it in, and isn’t a conscious charlatan, which, given her profession, she might be.)

  • John Hinkle

    Most of the panelists placed a high degree of certainty on their forecast…

    Would that be bags and bags of certainty, or gobs and gobs of certainty? It makes a difference.

  • Randomfactor

    Would that be bags and bags of certainty, or gobs and gobs of certainty?

    The error bars are less than 1 AU in height.

  • imrryr

    Yes, and when asteroid 165347 Philplait occults the star 1SWASP-J161732.90+242119.0 in Libra, that means Obama is going to forget the lyrics of a song he just heard on the radio and it’s going to bug him for like the whole rest of the day.

    Unfortunately, I’d need the birthdates of his secret service agents to know if Obama will hum the melody to them in the hopes that someone recognizes it.

  • savagemutt

    Would that be bags and bags of certainty, or gobs and gobs of certainty? It makes a difference.

    I think the rule of thumb is that the further in the future the prediction, the more confidence they have in it. People are less likely to follow up and ask embarrassing questions about a prediction made months or years ago.

  • fastlane

    And given the way this election is panning out, they can all claim this as ‘proof’ of their abilities.

    I’d like records of their other predictions, going back at least 3 presidential elections (just for politics, for the sake of consistency).

  • naturalcynic

    “It’s obvious,” she said. “Obama stays where he is without a change in status.”

    Nice to leave yourself a little room to change your mind. Maybe Joshua will slow down the sun, just for a Romney win.

  • Robert B.

    Planets moving in retrograde is not an “optical illusion,” it’s old-fashioned Galilean relativity. From Earth’s frame of reference, Mercury will in fact reverse direction. It’s just that Earth’s frame of reference is weird, because Earth is moving also. I think someone told the reporter that Mercury “won’t really move backward” – i.e., in the solar system’s center-of-mass frame, it will keep orbiting just like always. But he makes it sound like there’s going to be a weird distortion in the air or a weather balloon or something, like the retrograde has nothing to do with the actual positions of the planets.

  • Trebuchet

    Something about the juxtaposition of “astrologer” and “corporate lawyer” just made me giggle!

  • http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    “Well, I look at Obama’s aura and people are disappointed in it, then I looked at Romney’s aura and the longer people look at it the more they dislike it. So, Obama wins.”

  • marcus

    Astrology,pah! Everyone knows the most accurate predictor of presidential election results is the number of respective Halloween mask pre-orders. If only Halloween came just a little sooner!

  • Crip Dyke, MQ, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    A battle to the death. Or to the moronic, more likely

    No. This is a battle to the pain. First the auto-trepanation, then the auto-frontal lobotomy, Their brain stems they keep, and do you know why? Because no one F*n wants them.

  • bruceh

    For Chicago astrologist and corporate lawyer Nina Gryphon, it was her study of the Aries ingress – the exact time when the Sun enters the sign of Aries – that clinched the decision. “It’s obvious,” she said. “Obama stays where he is without a change in status.”

    Well. That’s it then; we might as well call off the election.

  • cottonnero

    I’m not convinced until I hear what the phrenologists have to say.

  • The Lorax

    So, their predictions:

    Obama wins in November

    Romney flip-flops near the end

    Both candidates will have trouble at some point

    Obama will have trouble within the first year of his second term

    Alright, so, someone name me an election in which these things have not occurred to some degree.

    *crickets*

    Yeah. Okay, how about this: someone tell me why these astrologers are predicting it after everyone else predicted it during the GOP primary.

    Oh, wait, nevermind… because now that it’s basically a done deal, they can retroactively claim that they were correct.

  • d cwilson

    But what do the Tarot cards say?

  • Randomfactor

    I’m not buying it until someone reads Newt’s entrails thoroughly.

    Only way to be sure, short of nuking him from orbit.

  • Sastra

    Oh sure, laugh now. But when the astrologers turn out to be right, you just know all you skeptics are going to be desperately scrambling around for a way to wave it away, dismiss it, and keep maintaining your hidebound hegemonic Western science materialist atheist world view.

    Pearls before swine; there are none so blind as those who will not see. And for those who believe, no evidence is necessary — for those who don’t believe, no evidence is possible. Plus, there are more things in Heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. As Einstein said, nothing limits you but your dreams. Guess you don’t have any.

    The negative energy in here is stifling.

  • http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Sastra, our chakras got all entangled in our chi. Plus, I got my crystal caught in my zipper, which isn’t helping. Isn’t helping at all.

  • vmanis1

    Well, it’s obvious that Obama will win in 2012. After all, there are 5 letters in Obama’s name, and 2+0+1+2=5. (Look up Isaac Asimov’s short story entitled `Spell My Name With An S’ to see that numerology can indeed work!)

    Sastra, astrologers are right occasionally, as are stopped clocks (but those only once or twice a day). However, when somebody demonstrates that astrology has even as much predictive power as the Roman practice of examining chicken entrails to tell the future, then it will be worth paying attention to.

  • lorn

    Astrologers say that Obama wins. Well alrighty then … settles it for me … I’m convinced. We could save better than a billion dollars and an even greater number of brain cells calling the contest now and avoiding the unpleasantness of an actual election. Works for me.

  • http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    vmanis1, now you’re just being ridiculous. “The Roman practice of examining chicken entrails to tell the future”? Everybody knows the Greek system was more accurate.

  • Amphiox

    Hey, they have an a priori likelihood of being correct of 50%.

    That’s much better than a lot of other astrology predictions!

  • http://peicurmudgeon.wordpress.com/ peicurmudgeon

    “Chicago astrologist and corporate lawyer”

    It must be grea knowing in advance how every case will resolve.

  • ttch

    I dunno. The fact that a group of astrologers think Obama’s reelection is certain makes me less likely to believe it.

    This is one time I’m hoping that astrology is right.

  • escuerd

    vmanis1 @ 21,

    Heh, I feel compelled to mention that Sastra wasn’t being serious (hope I’m not ruining anyone’s fun). She’s just channeling lots of popular woo-woo tropes about skeptics.

  • grumpyoldfart

    I see a black cloud over the White House

    I made that prediction over fifty years ago and it’s been producing hits ever since: The Vietnam War, Watergate, Reagan getting shot, Clinton’s blowjob, the death of Spot in 2004. I got ’em all.

    `

    Newspaper headlines is another one of my specialties: Bus Plunge Horror Shock gets at least one hit per year.

    `

    School Bus Plunge Shock Horror about once every five years.

  • dingojack

    Modus (#23) – ‘Well, if they [the Sacred Chickens] won’t eat, let them swim!’ [/obscure Roman history reference]

    :) Dingo

  • vmanis1

    My apologies to Sastra for taking her comment seriously :)