Guy Fieri Gets Slammed

I’ve written before that I tend to have a love/hate relationship with the Food Network, and it’s starting to move strongly in the hate direction. The network that gave the world Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee (and her Kwanzaa cake) has more recently launched the terrifying career of Guy Fieri, whose new restaurant just got a legendary smackdown from the New York Times food critic.

First of all, the restaurant is in Times Square, which today is little more than the Disney World version of the world’s largest and tackiest strip mall. But Fieri’s new restaurant probably fits in there perfectly if this review is anywhere near the truth:

GUY FIERI, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food? Did it live up to your expectations?

Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex? When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute? …

Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?

But even funnier is this pitch-perfect fake response from Fieri:

Looks like you had a few problemo-s with the chow, the vibe and the RADitutde of the servers. I get it, buddy. I’m an acquired taste, just like our Chewy Moo-ey Big Beef Bonanaza Burger with Beddar Cheddar EZ Cheeze and Guy’s S.O.G. Fries (Salt, Oil, Grease). Bee-Tee-Double-U, if you order Guy’s S.O.G. Fries make sure you eat ‘em right away. Otherwise they’re like the 1994 Lillyhammer Winter Olympics: too cold!…

Sue me for being positive, New Dork Times! I just want to share a little love, a little rock n’ roll and whole mess a’ easy, greasy, tubby grub with the good people of New York City (But mostly the tourists visiting New York City from what I call the “Guy-ble Belt” (patent pending)). And hey, nobody said you had the eat the food or drink the glowing blue drinks. That’s why we built the gift shop! We got ya covered, kimosabe! Spend your wampum at the Great White Hair’s gift shop, and skip the tummy ache from too much firewater, chief!

You know who Guy Fieri reminds me of? Sports talk show host Jim Rome. They’re both trying so incredibly hard to be hip that it’s just painful and you end up feeling embarrassed for them, even while they’re laughing all the way to the bank.

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