If I Had a Million Dollars…

After my open heart surgery on Tuesday, my brother had a brilliant idea. He said, “This is your big break. All you have to do is claim to have seen a bright light or talked to Jesus in a near death experience, write a book and you’d be a big star immediately and make a million bucks.” He’s probably right. But there’s this nagging little honesty thing that keeps me from doing that. Fun idea though, to do that and then reveal it as a hoax afterward.

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  • glodson

    I would say this posting makes doing that now impossible, but didn’t Hubbard once say something to the effect that if one wanted to be rich, one should start a religion? That worked out well for him even having said that…

    Now the honesty problem is a problem. Just say it was satire or parody, like many who put out bullshit.

  • Hank Fox

    Hey, I’m having gallbladder surgery in just a month …

  • xmnr

    Steve Martin: “…And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids.. second would be for the $30 million.. the third would be for all the power.. and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can’t think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She’s behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you…”

  • Michael Heath

    When I was a pre-teen in the very early 1970s I thought the lowest possible method to make good money legally was to be a game show host, with the exception of Jeopardy. And then I was introduced to Oral Roberts along with Jim and Tammy Faye Baker. Boy I wish I was a high information voter who could still make an arguable defense against game show hosts.

    Today, knowing far more about how the religion scam works, I find no substantial difference between them and Rick Warren, Albert Mohler, N.T. Wright, or William Lane Craig. In fact I think the latter group is far more insidious and therefore does more harm since they’re able to pose as if they possess credibility as they sell their swill.

  • Didaktylos

    Well you could say that you met the Big Guy – and that he’s very disappointed in Joey the Rat and all the other religious bigwigs.

  • Hi Ed,

    We might not agree on Religion, but there one thing you can never accuse me of and that is being a heartless man.

    Having said that, I say this:

    My best wishes to you sir for a speedy recovery. I mean, you’ve really nailed me in the past and some of that, I rightfully deserved.

    Get well, and we’ll battle. But for now, mend and heal. You only get one shot at living, don’t louse it up.

    Written Sincerely,

    -Charles Patrick Adkins

  • laurentweppe

    Yeah, right: now that’s smart: write a book in 2013, then in 2018 tell people that you lied, and I can bet you all your imaginary millions that by 2068 there will still be fundies saying: “Ed Brayton’s lies prove beyond any doubt that atheists are perfidious liars and conmen

    So by all mean, forget about honesty and write your book.

  • tsig

    First you want to announce that all churches are false, then you are led by an angel to a bible engraved on gold plates that only you can translate, then you translate them by looking into your hat…….Oh wait…

  • ianken

    You could cash in. The atheist Wii found Jesus through a near death experience? Holy crap, the credulous masses would gobble that up.

  • I want to start knocking out hack books that the fundies will love and buy en masse. The first one is going to be titled “Heather Has Two Mommies and THEY ARE ALL GOING TO HELL111” Like someone above said I bet the fundies would still believe the book is true 100 years after I announce that it was a joke.

    Ed, by any chance did Lady Hope visit you in the hospital?

  • Nick Gotts (formerly KG)

    didn’t Hubbard once say something to the effect that if one wanted to be rich, one should start a religion? That worked out well for him even having said that… – glodson

    He made a lot of money and gained considerable power, but having read Russell Miller’s Bare-Faced Messiah, no, I wouldn’t say it worked out well for him: he appears to have fallen into the trap of believing his own lies, and to have been a thoroughly miserable, frightened man in his last years.

  • abb3w

    Could also be done in more amusing fashion. Say that you went through that whole tunnel of light thing… and were met on the other side by Ganesh.

  • Wes

    I hope you’ve recovered well enough that I can ask a rather petty question. This is just something I’ve wondered ever since I first read you had open heart surgery. Let’s say (hypothetically!) that you do in fact die. What then happens to FtB? Does PZ take over? Someone else? Does the site just shut down? Or do the other bloggers decide it’s not worth going on without you and commit mass seppuku?

  • dingojack

    Wes – I’d perfer to commit mass suduko, much easier on the carpets.


  • dingojack

    Wes –

    Probably we’d elect Michael Heath as our new king, outlaw SLC forever and start bombing him in five minutes.

    😉 Dingo


    A small correction to mine above: ‘sudoku‘ (I really should spell-check more thoroughly).

  • Doc Bill

    It’s all in the timing. We’ll get Ed’s Texas BBQ opened in Austin.

    Then you have your NDE during which Gabriel the Angel tells you the secret to Happiness in Life in three words: Ed’s Texas BBQ.

    Tasty Adam pork ribs smoked with Garden of Eden applewood served with a Sodom and Gomorrah spicy sauce that will leave you Tower of Babel speechless.

    Seriously, I can get backers.

    Oh, and if Gabe could be wearing a green shade and shuffling a deck while he talked to you we might be able to get a poker concession.

    Whaddya say?

  • Wes-

    That’s a good question, actually, and one that I hadn’t given a thought to previously. I should put together some sort of plan for transferring the whole business side of things to someone else if I die. At this point, they’d be lost and wouldn’t even have access to any revenue or accounts. Seems an appropriate time to do some planning.

  • Olav

    Ed, Wes, this reminds me of what programmers call the bus factor. For a project like FTB you should probably form a company, association or foundation where more than one person is authorised to conduct business.

  • sqlrob

    Sucks having ethics, don’t it?

    Atheists aren’t moral my ass.

  • Wes


    One time I tried to commit sudoku, but I accidentally committed bukkake.

  • dingojack

    Wes – Udon or Soba? *



    * You’ll never look at noodles the same way again! 🙂