Jesus 2: Electric Bugaloo

A couple decades ago, Gore Vidal wrote a book called Live from Golgotha: The Gospel According to Gore Vidal. In the book, NBC invents a time machine and sends a camera crew back in time to film the crucifixion of Jesus because they figure, correctly I’m sure, that it will boost their ratings for sweeps week. Now it seems two Christian TV networks want to do the same for his second coming:

If the Messiah descends from the Mount of Olives as foretold in the Bible, America’s two biggest Christian broadcasters are well-positioned to cover it live thanks to recent acquisitions of adjacent Jerusalem studios on a hill overlooking the Old City.

Texas-based Daystar Television Network already beams a 24-hour-a-day live webcam from its terrace. Not to be outdone, Costa Mesa-based Trinity Broadcasting Network last month bought the building next door.

Perfect. They need corporate sponsors, too: The Second Coming of Christ, brought to you by Chick-Fil-A.

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  • busterggi

    If Jesus did show up I’d ignore him just as he has apparently ignored me for the past 58 years.

  • kantalope

    Day three of coverage…Zombies! Matthew 27:52-53

    Other option:

    This is Herraldo Riviara here in the Holy City and while lots of men named Jesus have been located none of them seems to fit the descriptions from the Bible. They all seem rather dark skinned and, well, Jewish. We have checked with local authorities and they have never heard of the man we are describing. The local governor, while fond of crucifying most anyone, does not recall doing so for “being king of the Jews”. And while he had not heard of “journalism or journalists” before, he was considering crucifixion if we were actual examples of such. No one can recall any bright stars in the sky or any slaughtering of babies. So we have hired actors to fill in until we can locate any of the actual players. Back to you…

  • lldayo

    What sucks is if they’re right Jesus will turn right around and go back to heaven after spotting Victoria Jackson walking at him on her hands.

  • CSB

    @2: Behold the Man meets The Daily Show. I’d read it.

  • NBC invents a time machine and sends a camera crew back in time to film the crucifixion of Jesus

    I’m holding out (faint) hope that one day, an advanced race of extraterrestrials will introduce themselves and then inform us that they have been monitoring our planet for several thousand years and, should we wish to see it, they can provide us with wall-to-wall in-depth 3D video coverage of every single significant event in Earth’s history.

    The question is, how many of the religious fundamentalists would even dare ask for video footage of their faith’s significant moments?

  • John Hinkle

    So when Jesus comes again, I’m assuming the networks will need donations to continue non-stop coverage. How am I supposed to write checks when there’s a great plague of hail (Revelations) ouching my writing hand? I want to keep the networks broadcasting so I know when Jesus is in my neighborhood. I’ll need to look busy then.*

    * to borrow from a profound and obviously true bumper sticker

  • eric

    Don’t these people read their Revelation? Jesus sits in heaven opening scrolls resulting in supernatural disasters on earth. Then a bunch of angels blow on trumpets and more disasters happen. We get the four horsement of the apocalypse. Then we get the antichrist and a couple of dragons. A heavenly war erupts among the angels. THEN Jesus shows up.

    I very much doubt ‘Golgotha cam’ is going to provide much of a head’s up.

  • kantalope

    As for the new cameras…I suddenly have the urge to travel to the holy land and draw a large penis in the camara’s view area. The blame “The Bugle Podcast”:

  • grumpyoldfart

    I’ve been reading that story for months – so far no screen shots or links to that 24 hour signal beamed from the Holy Land. Is it really happening?

  • Doug Little

    On April 1st can someone please override the feed to show a CGI enhanced Jesus descending from the heavens, of course he would have to be a white man with blue eyes to be believable as it seems the historical evidence of the time clashes with these idiots preconceived notions of what the man, if he actually existed, would look like.

    Now that would be an April fools day joke for the ages.

  • Crudely Wrott

    Oh, sure, they could record the second coming in real time but we have no way of knowing that the event wouldn’t prevent the “Theory” of Electro-Magnetism from operating. That is, it might be impossible to broadcast. In that event, no one would know.

  • cry4turtles

    What? No faith in youtube!? Sorry Claire.