Cindy Jacobs Describes God’s Miracle

I have to admit, I find Cindy Jacobs absolutely hilarious. She says the most staggeringly stupid and hilarious things and her followers just lap it up. Here’s a video of her claiming that God has multiplied her food when her kids brought friends over, and made the tires on her car and the shoes on her feet last a long time. It’s a miracle!


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  • raven

    The real miracle is that people take her seriously and send her money.

  • I see that they are going to Hawaii for a “revival conference” next weekend, and that they just happen to have arranged to speak at a local church this weekend too. How convenient that they now have four days to kill, mid-winter, away from Dallas’s frosty weather.

    The gravy train never stops.

  • evilDoug

    Why can’t this asshole god multiply food for the poor and homeless? for kids who are dying of starvation?

    Why can’t this turd of a god make shoes last for dozens of handings down in places where shoes help prevent infection by parasites?

    Why is this god such a fuck that he wastes good miracles on a screechy pneumocephalic dolt?

  • Glenn E Ross AKA HeartlessB

    The miracle wasn’t that her tires lasted an unusually long time, it was that she didn’t injure or kill herself and her children driving around on bald, worn-out tires.

    Or maybe it was just dumb-ass luck.

  • Another case where God can do nothing but parlor tricks. Fortunately he has followers who are incredibly easy to impress.

  • evilDoug, look, they’d get those things if they believed in the Lord (see Isaiah 55, if memory serves). And bad things happen to good and bad people alike (Matt 5:45) and good things happen to bad people (this page), which, I believe, covers all the possibilites.

  • dogfightwithdogma

    Science grade = 0

    In less than one minute she managed to exhibit a level of ignorance about conservation of matter and energy that is stupifyingly stunning in its depth. But there is no surprise in these instances of when God has infected your brain and turned it into a mass of goo.

  • busterggi

    OMGless, she is dumber and has a more annoying voice than Victoria Jackson.

  • shouldbeworking

    Making her tires last longer and doing a 21st century version of bread and fishes is one way to get cash for a midwinter Hawaii trip. To save time gawd should have just multiplied the money in her purse.

  • mobius


    Move along. Move along. Nothing to see here.

  • LightningRose

    Well, all I can say is, Praise Goodyear!

  • brian

    I’m sure all those claims stand up to empirical testing.

  • No One

    Proof the spaghetti monster exists. He boiled for out sins. Eat of his body.


  • cactusren

    All I want to know is what brand of shoes were those? Even if they’re pricey, they sound like a good investment.

  • Crudely Wrott

    Cindy cez: “. . . but we just don’t know how to listen to his voice.”

    Well, little girl, I don’t know about that voice but listening to yours is akin to walking barefoot on broken glass. It comes entirely through your nose at an irritatingly shoulder hunching and fist clenching frequency. Have you ever actually listened to yourself?

    Good grief, girl. Learn to use your diaphragm. Your voice is like a jagged razor blade in the hands of a mad child bent on senseless sonic revenge against . . . against . . . well, everything!

    *now I’ve got to waste perfectly good bourbon by having to pour it into my ears*

    PS: Dear Cindy, as offensive as your voice is, your message is even worse. Just so you know that there is real substance to my offense.

  • anubisprime

    Is it really the case that the average IQ’s of the audience would enable them to believe this nonsense?

    Because never ending tyres and shoes is not exactly the message their hero was trying to impart methinks.

    No wonder xtianity is such a tizzwazz even xtians cannot even figure out the point of xtianity.

  • D. C. Sessions

    Well, all I can say is, Praise Goodyear!

    Heretic! The One True Tire is Pirelli!

    I know this because last week I took my Civic in (the right rear was flat, slow leak) and they told me that it all four were down to the wear bars and old enough that the sidewalls were cracking (thus the slow leak). Fair enough, do it. Being good people they looked up the purchase records for the old set.

    2005, 80,000 miles.

    The Civic just rolled over 200,000 miles. I seriously doubt that high-roller Jacobs has a car with 120,000 miles on it, net. Maybe she’s impressed by her “god” getting her 45,000 miles to a set. If so, it just goes to show how easily impressed she is. That, and of course she buys inferior goods.

  • Sastra

    The Playpen Theory of Reality again, as God tries to get His presence across to a small, select group of people by performing theological parlor tricks like making your tires last a long time, helping you get a good parking spot, or making sure that the jelly donut you pick up is the one with the MOST jelly in it.

    The POR presents its believers with a Big Picture where the world is very, very small and you are very, very small in it, the focus of an attention which is trying to get you to recognize and admit how small you are, and how grateful you are that you are small, but taken care of. Cindy Jacobs is thinking like a child looking for clues in some sort of twisted cosmological game. This is just sad…

  • Cindy Jacobs worships a pathetically trivial god.

  • eyeroll

    The loaves and the fishies and spaghetti all in one big bowl. Indeed the FSM blesses us abundantly.

  • anubisprime

    Sastra @ 18

    Cindy Jacobs is thinking like a child looking for clues in some sort of twisted cosmological game

    They all are, and the more wingnuttyish they appear the more childish their arguments.

    All they present are arguments from incredulity and always the innate subjectivity which they offer as a ‘proof positive’ and which only other ‘children’ accept gratefully.

    A childish story aimed at a childish mind…..

    That is it…no more and sometimes a whole lot less.

    It really is the adult version of fairy stories, no less glamorous and no less fictitious, and in over 2000 years they have managed exactly zero unimpeachable evidence for their delusion.

    The reason for the longevity is not so much that there is justification for the claims, but that it is promoted and advertised so assiduously for the love of, not for the supernatural mythological gobbly gook that it is, but for the money honey…all that lovely tax free lucre….praise de lawd’ indeed!

    It is business, selling lies and salvation to impressionable ‘children’ with the blessing of politicians that are so egotistical and twisted mentally, they elect to go along with the claptrap because that a way lies the true power and the glory.

  • abear

    Those are kind of low level miracles. I recall Jimmy Swaggart recounting that during his younger years he blew the engine on his car, prayed for a healing miracle, and praise the Lord, Jesus cured his car (presumably rebuilt the engine).

  • anubisprime

    Wrench monkey shenanigans…and a personal interest in female shoes…or one females shoes in particular!

    Megalomania….ethnic cleansing….terraforming…designing the African eyeworm, and the parasitic wasp, cancer!

    Is there no end to this deities talents?

  • John Hinkle

    Well I can see God’s interest in shoes. He cares about soles.

  • andrewpang

    Bummer, I thought she was a Poe.

  • We Baptists have a name for people like her.

    The simple ones.

    They’ll grow up someday….we hope

  • TCC

    Oh, FFS, Jacobs, get some new material. This is just the feeding of the five thousand and the story of Hanukkah rehashed. I guess there really is nothing new under the sun.

  • TCC

    We Baptists have a name for people like her.

    Our base? (And I say that as the son of a Baptist minister.)

  • neonsequitur

    Re: Cindy Jacobs.

    WTF is wrong with her voice???

  • grumpyoldfart

    I like this bit:

    …sometimes god is saying little epiphanies to us…

  • “We Baptists have a name for people like her.

    The simple ones.”

    We atheists (well, this one at least) have TWO names for them.

    Lying sacks-of-shit or teh batshit KKKrazzee mofo’s.

    Take your pick.

  • birgerjohansson

    If Zod would reverse enthropy or build a functioning time machine (a la The Eschaton) I would be impressed. Even lesser tricks, like the feats routinely accomplished by the super-AIs in the novels by Iain Banks or Neal Asher would be nice. And if Zod wants to intimidate us, he could at lest send a T-1000 hunter killer unit instead of the brimstone preachers.

    (“Okay fuckers, this big thing that just emerged from hyperspace above Earth is a Death Star. Worship me or else!” Even the parasitic civilisation in that crappy film with Will Smith had more panache that the alleged creator)