In Brazil, Thy Kingdom Cums

Here’s an entirely unsurprising story out of Brazil, where a pastor has been arrested and charged with rape after telling women in his church that his penis was filled with divine semen and that they holy ghost could enter them if they’d just give him a blowjob.

Sobrino Valdeci Picanto, 59, was arrested in Apore, Goiás, Brazil, for raping several women attending his church. He gave as an excuse that his penis had been consecrated with “divine semen of the Holy Spirit.”

A 23-year-old young woman, who prefers to remain anonymous said, “He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth.”

“Often, after worship, Pastor Valdecir take us to some of the funds back to the church and asked us to do oral sex on him until the Holy Spirit comes through ejaculation”.

Valdecir came to abuse some elderly, and defends himself by saying that ‘he had an encounter with Jesus in a brothel and gave him the mission of spreading the sacred semen throughout the state, beginning with the faithful Apore Assembly, of which he is responsible’.

The jokes pretty much write themselves.

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • serena

    “he had an encounter with Jesus in a brothel” … boy I hope Paul never gets wind of that.

  • jba55

    “he had an encounter with Jesus in a brothel”

    No no, you’re pronouncing it wrong. It’s Hay-soos and while he promised you a “religious experience” he didn’t mean it literally.

    Or how about, “that was just cosplay.”

  • anubisprime

    @ OP

    “He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth.”

    Not much more needs to be said about the average IQ of the god squad…some manipulate but most are there to satisfy the twisted desires of criminal perverts.

  • alanb

    So, how do I find this Jesus person you talk about? Do I look for him in church or do I go to a brothel? Hmmm, these decisions are so hard.

  • glodson

    Now I understand this hymn.

    I have to joke because while this is a ridiculous story, the pastor here is an abusive fuck who is truly just a bad person. You can get blowjobs without manipulating people who trust you.

  • Ichthyic

    this is an interesting twist on communion!

    does it replace the crackers, or the wine?

    or both?

  • pacal

    no doubt, to paraphrase Bill Maher, his rod and staff comforted them.

  • Aliasalpha

    Ichthyic, it’s probably supplemental to the crackers & wine, presumably it’s a dip

  • DaveL

    Stuff like this has been going on ever since a tribal shaman first got the idea in his head that he could eat the food and f*ck the virgins rather than just throwing them into the volcano.

  • clayhale

    A new meaning for living water.

  • scienceavenger

    Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.

  • dagr

    It’s a hoax. Poe’s Law strikes again. The original blog post is here. If the picture of Jesus on a dinosaur at the top didn’t give it away, the disclaimer at the bottom of the page surely should.


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