Keyes Delivers Standard Speech in Michigan

Alan Keyes came to Spring Arbor University here in Michigan the other day and delivered one of his standard rambling speeches about how the whole country is going to go to hell if we don’t become the theocracy that he mistakenly believes it was from the beginning.

“The Republic is near death and it will die if we don’t wake up,” he said. “But wake up to what?”

He answered his own question when talking about fundamental rights, where they came from and how the country needs to recognize that rights come from God.

Abortion, same-sex marriage and separation of church and state are not fundamental rights, Keyes said. If God does not recognize them, they do not exist.

“The Declaration of Independence was the first action of the people of the United States,” Keyes said. “The first thing they did was to acknowledge God as the law giver.”

Keyes said God created an authority that must be respected.

“The premise of the existence of our country as a political entity…the premise of all rights and justices is that there is a God, he created nature and in that creation he exercised an authority that we must respect,” he said.

Which means, in Keyes’ warped formulation, that our rights are limited by whatever the Bible says. If the Bible says gay people are icky, then gay people don’t have any right to be gay.

Keyes said while abortion, same-sex marriage and separation of church and state are not basic human rights there are leaders who are trying to “fabricate” rights.

“People who sit on the U.S. Supreme Court take it among themselves to argue that somehow there should be separation of church and state,” he said. “Nothing in the Constitution requires separation, nor could it because we cannot separate the country from its finding premise without destroying it.”

Funny how he so constantly invokes the Founding Fathers to back up his theocratic delusions, yet ignores the fact that two of the most important and influential of the Founding Fathers, Jefferson and Madison, used that exact phrase to describe the religion clauses of the First Amendment. And both of them actually took a harder line on separation than even the ACLU does today. This is not a serious argument, it’s a fantasy world constructed in Keyes’ mind.

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  • haitied

    “The Declaration of Independence was the first action of the people of the United States,”

    Sorry you get a 0 on your history exam. There was no “United States” at the time the declaration was drafted and signed. The Declaration of Independence is exactly what it sounds like “We are not a puppet of overseas powers, we are independent from them” It’s as if words don’t have fucking meanings to these people.

  • Kevin

    What Keyes left out was the part about the god being the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

  • richardelguru

    What he fails to realise is that by “the Creator” the founders meant “the Higgs Boson”. Any Fule Kno That!!

  • Donovan

    “The Declaration of Independence was the first action of the people of the United States,” Keyes said.

    No, the delivery of the Declaration of Independance was an easily defined event in a tumultuous series of events spanning decades in which treasonous wealthy colonists rebelled against the closing of tax loopholes to pay for wars fought in their interest by stirring up the emotions of the dissatisfied majority so that they would fight to the death for a promised utopia of veteran benefits that have still not been provided because of the efforts of the same wealth and its descendants.

  • imthegenieicandoanything

    ED, you DO have a very active imagination! I certainly could never fantasize anything that would credit the minimalist cartoon character known as “Alan Keyes” with the possession of a “mind” with which to “construct” anything. The essence of this character is that he is drawn like a huge, somewhat-anthopomophized bucket of foul-smelling shit with small holes in its bottom, after all.

    What sort of insane asylum is this “Spring Arbor University” anyway?

  • vmanis1

    In a rational world, Keyes would get all the respect he so richly deserves. Perhaps he could hasten that day by delivering his `speeches’ whilst dressed in a bunny suit.

  • eamick

    What sort of insane asylum is this “Spring Arbor University” anyway?

    It’s a small Christian college. Were you honestly expecting anything else?

  • d.c.wilson

    Theocrats like Keyes love the Declaration of Independence because it makes one brief mention to a Creator. They desperately wish it had some kind of legal force under our current system of government so that they could use it to override that godless Constitution that they hate so much and make the Bible the rule of law. Sadly, the fact that the Declaration is not a law or a legal framework gets in the way, no matter how hard they might wish it were different. They never give up, though. Part of their magical thinking is that one day, everyone else will learn how to ignore reality and history as much as they do.

  • thisisaturingtest

    @#3, richardelguru- “Any Fule Kno That!!”

    Deep Purple fan?

  • Modusoperandi

    I agree with Keyes. We have to respect the authority of God and rebuild this Great Nation on His foundation, as He intended, back to the standards it had at its birth.

    As such, so that can I have to opportunity to teach him to respect this authority, I hereby make an offer for no more than fifteen hundred dollars to purchase this bearer of the Curse of Ham from whoever owns him.

  • Michael Heath

    d.c. wilson writes:

    Theocrats like Keyes love the Declaration of Independence because it makes one brief mention to a Creator.

    The DofI has two, not one, references to a deity. The second even describes that entity as providential in the concluding sentence:

    And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

  • Rip Steakface


    I’m willing to bet that the references to deities in the Declaration of Independence were political choices on the part of Jefferson to help convince the more religious delegates to sign it. I have no evidence, so I cannot say at all that I’m right, but it sounds like the maneuvering typical of both back then and today.

  • Barefoot Bree

    As a history major I’m both fascinated and horrified by people like Keyes, whose knowledge of history is limited to what the bible says, and a warped version of American history – but only since 1776. It’s like all the rest of the world doesn’t exist, and all the rest of history never happened. I’m almost expecting one of them to come up with how the sainted Founding Fathers were lesser-known apostles (the ones who weren’t martyred, donchaknow).

  • Bill Fortenberry

    Actually, the Declaration of Independence makes three references to God. The first of those references occurs in the opening paragraph which mentions the “Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God.” This phrase was a commonly recognized reference to the two means by which God’s law can be discovered, that is, through nature and through revelation. This can be seen in my article on this topic which is available at: