Zombie Jesus Stops Marriage Equality in Illinois

A few months ago it seemed all but certain that the Illinois legislature would pass a law legalizing same-sex marriage, but that bill stalled in the House and the current session has now expired, so they’ll have to try again in the fall if it’s going to pass.

A bill to make Illinois the 13th state in the country to recognize same-sex marriage failed to win final approval on Friday before the state legislature adjourns until the fall.

The measure, which the state Senate approved in February, did not come up for a vote in the state House of Representatives before it adjourned. Its chief sponsor vowed to seek a vote on the bill later this year.

One Illinois anti-gay group has an amusing explanation:

David E. Smith of the Illinois Family Institute tells OneNewsNow activists thought they had the momentum for passage in the House, but something got in the way.

“The Body of Christ here in Illinois has risen up and has really made a noise and made a really concerted effort to make sure that our state lawmakers know without a doubt that we object to the idea of them redefining marriage,” Smith reports. “They do not have the moral authority to redefine marriage as God created it.”

One can almost a zombie Jesus wandering the halls of the capitol making loud noises. Given this explanation, what is Smith going to say if and when this passes in the fall? That the “body of Christ” didn’t show up that time?

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  • matty1

    To be fair The Body of Christ is a common euphemism for the church so they probably meant church members have got up out their chairs and started shouting.

  • http://nwrickert.wordpress.com/ Neil Rickert

    One can almost a zombie Jesus wandering the halls of the capitol making loud noises.

    There are so many zombie politicians wandering the halls in Springfield, that nobody would notice one more.

  • StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    Zombie Jebus? Chop its fucken head off!

  • baal

    Politicians get scared by the body of christ. This isn’t very surprising, old habits die hard.

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist

    Yes. When it fails it’s because Jeebus. When it passes it’ll be demons. I’ve got to say going through life with those as the only two possible explanations in any situation must simplify things quite a bit.

    It’s almost as if it’s sweet to be an idiot.


  • Draken

    @StevoR: that may not be enough, depending on the type of zombie. But a lawnmower should do the job [gore warning].

  • http://riffingreligion.wordpress.com/ Wes

    If zombie Jesus does show up, I hope it ends up being more satisfying than the season finale of Walking Dead.

  • Félix Desrochers-Guérin

    One can almost a zombie Jesus wandering the halls of the capitol making loud noises.

    I think you accidentally a word here.

  • Scr… Archivist

    Does Illinois allow foreign lobbyists?

  • John Hinkle

    My dad, a TV news junkie, says that the bill’s sponsor could not muster the votes to pass it. This was like 11th hour bullshit, and his (her?) fear was that if a vote was forced, it might solidify the polarized positions come next session when the bill could be re-introduced. And the bill would either fail to come to a vote again, or fail to pass.

    I don’t know what the truth is, but I’m going to guess that the National Organization for Bigots, or the Bigot Research Council, or the American Bigot Association (or whatever combination thereof) had a hand in this.

    Can I write those organizations a check for a negative amount?

  • illdoittomorrow

    “The Body of Christ here in Illinois has risen up and has really made a noise…”

    There’s probably a good fart joke in there somewhere, but I lack the mad skillz to make it myself.

  • http://www.facebook.com/thecoloursociety Drewzilla

    Remember folks, when versing a zombie Jesus aim for God because apparently he’s the head of Christ.

  • thebookofdave

    The Body of Christ here in Illinois has risen up and has really made a noise

    Jinkies! Looks like we have another mystery on our hands, Scooby.

  • Red-Green in Blue

    The Body of Christ here in Illinois has risen up and has really made a noise

    That’s not particularly surprising; a fair amount of gas is going to build up after 2000 years’ worth of decomposition. What intrigues me is who buried him in Illinois in the first place. Perhaps the Mormons aren’t entirely wrong about Jesus coming to America after all?

  • freemage

    Another part of the problem is that the lawmakers are playing “The Sidestep” from The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas. Though our version has a little variation to it.

    See, we’ve got not one, not two, but at least three high-controversy bills stuck in our legislature all at once. So any time someone tries to talk about one, the lawmakers point to the other two as their area of greatest concern. Want gay marriage? Sorry, we’re looking at the pension deficit right now. Want to talk about the pension? Oh, well, we’re looking at the medical marijuana bill.