Ted Nugent for President?

Ted Nugent is apparently thinking of running for president, which I strongly encourage him to do. First, it will provide great fodder for me. Second, it would be the final culmination of the takeover of the Republican party by the crazy right.

“Hi, I’m Ted Nugent. I have nine children from seven women, and I’m running for president.”

Nugent takes a sip of water, having delivered his potential slogan.

“Yeah, I’m thinking about it.”…

“He’s talked about it before,” Shemane said. “But this time he seems more serious. People are constantly asking him to run.”…

Now, the constant beseeching from fans and followers has Nugent eyeing a run for the Republican nomination, the party he aligns with as the lesser of two feebles. (He is one of the few Republicans who will disparage Ronald Reagan, mainly for signing a bill restricting machine-gun sales.)

“Things are just so wrong in the country now,” Nugent said. “And I know that my answers would make things wonderful, unless you just refuse to produce, and then I’d recommend that you move to Canada. Or Illinois.”

He doesn’t predict a landslide. Or even a win. The country is probably too far gone for that, he said.

I’ve got a better slogan for him. “Hi, I’m Ted Nugent. I have nine children from seven women and I’m running for president. And I once talked two parents into giving me custody of their underaged daughter so I could keep having sex with her. And I shit my pants for a month to avoid the draft and insulted the troops that I now claim to support so strongly. And I said last year that I’d either be in jail or dead by this time, only the latest thing I’ve been completely wrong about.”

The sad thing? That might actually be an appealing message in a Republican primary.

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  • doublereed


  • matty1

    Hi, I’m Ted Nugent. I have nine children from seven women

    That’s the traditional marriage vote sewn up then.

  • slc1

    How many of those 7 women was ole Nugent married to and how many of those children were conceived while Nugent was married to their mothers?

  • Randomfactor

    Nugent, n.: The doughy filling inside a draft-dodger’s shorts.

  • It’ll be nice for the GOP to have an intellectual again.

  • atheist

    Wait, isn’t Nugent supposed to be either dead or in jail right now?

  • matty1

    Being dead is no impediment to a career in high office.

  • Mr Ed

    If he can get Vermin Supreme to add some gravitas to the ticket I think he is a shoe in.

  • whirligig

    Dead, brain-dead; in prison, imprisoned in a bizarre fantasy world; tomato, tomatoe

  • Larry

    Who ever said the GOP hasn’t got a deep bench?

  • It would be a priceless gift to comedy.

  • Fuck! I thought I had pulled a democommie Van Winkle and gone to sleep in 2013, only to awake at the onset of the 2016 presidential campaign season (iow, the day after I went to sleep–or maybe the day after 11/7/2012). I see now that it was just another of Ed’s cruel little japes at the expense of the GOP’s dignity!

  • “Nugent-Busey 2016”?

    Sample commercial script aimed at the women post-foetal to whatev:

    “Vote for us you stupid cows, or else!*”

    * I’m Ted Nugent and I approved this message and then SHOT the writer!

  • Chiroptera

    Nugent takes a sip of water, having delivered his potential slogan.

    “Yeah, I’m thinking about it.”

    That’s an awesome slogan!

  • “Hi, I’m Ted Nugent. I have nine children from seven women”

    Does that include the child he gave up for adoption and never tried to contact?

    We NEED him (to head the GOP ticket).

  • caseloweraz

    That first line in the quote, for some obscure reason, reminds me of a line from Star Wars: “I have the death sentence in twelve systems!”

  • John Pieret

    There is a danger, however. If Nugent were to join with previous candidates Bachmann, Santorum, Tom Tancredo and, doubtless, others drawn out of the woodwork because they thought Romney lost because he wasn’t conservative enough, all on a single stage for a debate, the sheer mass of stupid could result in in a black hole of stupidity that would suck in the entire Earth.

  • matty1

    Why oh why is Chuck Norris not running?

  • criticaldragon1177

    #6 atheist

    You wrote,


    Wait, isn’t Nugent supposed to be either dead or in jail right now?


    Yeah I forgot about what he said. I guess he’s going to try to run for president from his prison cell. LOL!

  • w00dview

    He is one of the few Republicans who will disparage Ronald Reagan, mainly for signing a bill restricting machine-gun sales.

    Why oh why, would civilians need unrestricted access to MACHINE GUNS, Ted you fucking maniac? Christ, give it a few years and the GOP will be arguing that the founding founders insisted on american citizens having a god given right to atomic weaponry.

  • greenspine

    Let’s not forget that some fraction of George W. Bush’s vote came from people who thought “He’s the sort of guy you could have a beer with,” regardless of his other (lack of ) qualifications.

  • cry4turtles

    Their best canidate in my lifetime. That says a lot!!

  • naturalcynic

    @19: Running for president from prison from prison has an honorable tradition, at least in the case of Eugene Debs. He got more than 3% of the vote in 1920 as a write-in candidate. Yea, wobblies!

  • teawithbertrand

    +1 internet @ 4 Randomfactor. Sort of like “Santorum”.

  • jnorris

    Teawithbertrand beat me to it. Nugent-Santorum 2016!

  • Is there any chance, Nugent will use his “Wang Bang Dang Poontang” as his campaign song?

  • coffeehound

    “Nugent-Busey 2016″?

    Oh, please, please, please, please!! I NEVER get what I want for Xmas…

  • I think he’s thinking about running about as seriously as Donald Trump or Sarah Palin are thinking about running, ie, he’s not really, but saying you’re thinking about running is a great way to get attention from the media. I have to believe that on some level, Sargent Shitbritches has to know that he’s a sideshow. He’s the bearded lady or the dog-faced boy of the GOP circus.

    Unfortunately, there are probably millions of republicans who would vote for Nugent. They will overlook the multiple kids from different women and the having sex with an underage girl, because he can throw out the red meat. If there are people who would vote for Michele Bachmann or Louie Ghomert, they would vote for Ted Nugent.

  • Loqi

    This needs to happen. Though it might put Jon Stewart out of a job, since watching CNN would be just as hilarious as the Daily Show.

  • John Horstman

    @13: Actually, I think that’s a brilliant for a self-deprecating mockumentary. Someone get on the phone with FOX – they’ll give anything half a chance, and they already own the rights to the Republican Primary.

  • John Horstman

    @30: And I appear to have omitted the word “idea” after “brilliant” – oh Irony, my old friend, you’ve done it again.

  • Michael Heath

    The linked WaPo article:

    During his talk to the entrepreneurs in San Antonio, he told it again. “Lots of places have a hog problem,” Nugent said. “In Texas, the hogs have a Ted problem.” He described the giddy joy of shooting from the open copter with an M4 machine gun. “And four hours later I had 450 dead hogs,” he said to loud applause. Then he added an afterthought that produced ample laughs: “And now if they would just take me to South Central. … Okay! I kid.”)

    What a racist fuck.

    And how do you get more misogynistic than the following album cover? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Nugentlovegrenade.JPG

    Write and perform Strangehold.

    The linked article:

    They [biological children recently coming out of the woodwork] came not, [Nugent] said, from one-night stands but from long-term girlfriends who never told him about the babies.

    Why the pattern to not tell him? It seems these ladies knew he lacked the character needed when they discovered they were pregnant.

    I don’t think we should disqualify people from our support simply because they have some skeletons in their closet from when they were young. However, before consideration I want to at least observe that they’re contrite and wiser for their experiences. Nugent’s a typical conservative; he’s clueless on the systemic roots on why he’s caused and continues to cause harm to so many.

  • dan4

    “Things are just so wrong in the country now…”

    The country is just too far gone for that…

    I wonder if a DEMOCRAT considering a run for POTUS could get away with saying things like that.

  • Ichthyic

    People are constantly asking him to run.

    hence, another reason why I chose to leave the States:

    WAYYY too many people who would seriously think someone like Ted Nugent makes good leadership material.

    …and not just as a joke.

  • Ichthyic

    “And four hours later I had 450 dead hogs,” he said to loud applause.

    loud applause.

    something tells me those are the same people that would applaud an empty chair…