Klingenschmitt Rewrites the Garden of Eden Story

Gordon Klingenschmitt cracks me up. On his little internet show last week he said that he thinks the “forbidden fruit” that Eve partook of in the Garden of Eden was not an apple but was marijuana. You might want to take a couple bong hits before you click on this.

“There are certain weeds in the garden, even in the Garden of Eden, that were forbidden by God,” Klingenschmitt said, saying that the Bible never uses the word “apple” to describe just what it was that Adam and Eve ate but “the Bible does use the word ‘forbidden weed.'”

“So here’s my hypothesis,” Klingenschmitt said, beginning to laugh as apparently even he realized the ridiculousness of what he was saying, “maybe it was marijuana! … How do you know that the serpent didn’t give pot to Eve and say ‘go ahead, and the day that you eat this, you’re not going to die.’ The fact is, you are going to die.”

Die from laughter at how much of an idiot you are? Quite possibly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRFvOmNK1FI

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Synfandel

    Marijuana doesn’t grow on the tree of knowledge of good and evil. It grows on the shrub of temporary knowledge of totally awesome stuff.

  • Randomfactor

    I suspect Klingenschmitt has been misquoted. He meant to say that the AUTHOR of the Garden of Eden story had imbibed the Devil’s weed.

  • cgm3

    Perhaps tobacco is the “forbidden weed”, and lung cancer is the divine punishment for using it. Makes just as much sense (which is to say, darn little).

  • grumpyoldfart

    Pot smokers are the dopiest people I know.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    What? The marihuana? That can’t be right. It would mean that Eve was a Mexican fieldhand or a jazz musician. It would explain, however, why that story is followed by eight solid pages of Eve talking about how “if spiders and monkeys can get along well enough to make spider monkeys there’s, like, hope for the rest of us, man.

  • Larry

    Ah, so Eve had the munchies BEFORE she ate the apple and, Taco Bell not being invented yet, it was the only food available.

    It makes much more sense now.

  • dugglebogey

    I was told by my pastor that it was a pomegranate. Which translates to apple grenade. So just to be safe I steer clear of eating pomegranates, apples and grenades.

  • dugglebogey

    Wouldn’t the actual rational conclusion of this be:

    Marijuana is as harmless as apples?

    When people thought it was an apple, that didn’t stop people from eating apples. So if this MORON thinks it was marijuana, people should be as equally fearless of the chronic.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    And also…the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge is pot? That’s like the fruit from the Tree of Keeping-All-Your-Front-Teeth being hockey.

  • Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach

    This is just nonsense. Snakes have no thumbs. Have you ever tried to roll up a blunt without using your thumbs? It can’t be done. And trust me, you can’t talk a newbie through their first roll, its a mess, it has to be demonstrated, repeatedly. Not that I would know anything about that…

    Maybe Eve didn’t eat the apple, the snake just showed her how to make a pipe out of it.

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    God is such a narc.

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    Klingenschmitt needs to work on his Biblical scholarship (among many other things). The Bible doesn’t use any phrase that could reasonably be translated as “forbidden weed”. The forbidden item is referred to as “the fruit of the tree”, using a word that is elsewhere used for fruit, produce and “the fruit of the womb”, i.e. human offspring. Nothing weedlike about any of that.

  • David C Brayton

    Now that was funny.

  • DaveL

    I have to admit, I did not see that one coming.

  • eric

    So I guess he’s trying to make dope look bad by tying it into the garden story. But what a lame attempt – nobody thinks apples are bad because of the biblical association – if it turns out to be an orange or pomegranite or leaf, why would we think those were bad either?

    In fact, your average american consumes about 50 pounds of apples per year. So, do you really want us to start thinking of dope the way we think of apples, Gordo?

  • thalwen

    1. Marijuana does not grow on trees.

    2. The active ingredients in cannabis need heat in order to become active – which is why people smoke it or bake with it – you don’t get high from eating it raw.

    3. Yes, we’re all going to die… because we used to be immortal and stupid Eve destroyed our Holy Horcrux because that’s more rational than us being beings with a finite life-cycle.

    4. The GoE story makes no sense without ol’Chappy, why the hell am I trying to make sense out of it with his interpretation?

  • MarcusC

    Personally I’ve always liked the fact that the all seeing™ all knowing™ god completely forgot about the talking snake he obviously created and put there because who else could of. And then, despite being all seeing and knowing and such, as well as having everything predetermined, managed to miss the snake persuading Eve to eat an apple. Really, he’s either pretty shit, or it was always the intention for Eve to eat the apple. Well, it could also all be make believe as well. You know, just possibly.

  • felidae

    The sad part is that Klingenschmitt doesn’t need drugs to be this stupid and delusional

  • imthegenieicandoanything

    I’d suggest that this shit get a job, but who would hire him for honest labor?

    Not that he’s capable of it.

  • savagemutt

    It all makes sense now. We’re in trouble for stealing God’s stash.

    BTW, God wants us to know that his boss at Little Caesar’s is a total dick and he’s quitting as soon as his band can find a bassist.

  • 12ab

    He says that bible scholars might argue about whether or not marijuana is intended instead of fruit. This nut wouldn’t know a Bible scholar if he were introduced to one and I’m quite sure that he has never read a complete volume written by any credible Bible scholar. A check of both Biblia Hebraica and the Septuagint shows that the term “weed” is never used and that the reference is to “fruit of the tree.” Of course, the text doesn’t say what kind of fruit because the story isn’t about fruit at all. The J writer has no intention of transferring the matter of guilt and good and evil outside of the human being. This is a story about human beings and guilt and it does not support the objectification of evil as something existing outside the human organism. Of course, Klingenschmitt wouldn’t understand any of this because he knows absolutely nothing about bibilical exegesis and interpretation. He needs those outside forces of evil so that he can blame the world’s problems on devils that need to be cast out.

    As an aside, he might find some confirmation of the weed theory in the Gilgamesh Epic (which pre-dates the Garden of Eden story and of which the J writer was probably aware). At the end of that story where Gilgamesh is seeking a key to immortality, he is permitted to possess a magic plant which promises the power of “rejuvenation.” Alas, however, the magic plant is eventually stolen from him by a serpent!

    Even though Klingenschmitt chuckles as he advances this stupid notion, we should not think that he is telling it tongue in cheek. He knows that there are thousands of fundamentalist idiots who will shout “Amen” and accept his story as fact.

  • comfychair

    And also…the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge is pot? That’s like the fruit from the Tree of Keeping-All-Your-Front-Teeth being hockey.

    Oh, lovely. The pot-smokers-are-dumb trope is about as accurate as the black-people-are-lazy trope. Stop it, please.

  • busterggi

    The forbidden fruit was pot? That explains the early extintion of the Cheetos bush.

  • Trebuchet

    To those referring to translations: Klingingshitte no doubt believes that the KJV is the ONLY true inspired eord of gawd. Screw those original sources.

  • Trebuchet

    “Eord” should of course be “word”. Oh for an edit function.

  • Goblinman

    Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “gateway drug”.

  • peterh

    @ #24:

    We have no “original sources.”

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    comfychair “Oh, lovely. The pot-smokers-are-dumb trope is about as accurate as the black-people-are-lazy trope. Stop it, please.”

    My apologies. The pot smokers I’ve known have gotten smarter. It’s a real wonder drug. For knowledge.*

     

    * Also, get a job, hippie. Etc.

  • thebookofdave

    Thanks, Gordy, for pointing out the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (you know, the one that teaches us right from wrong). Now all we have to do is find the Tree of Life, and we can all be magical sky fairies!

    Please don’t bogart the weed of life.

  • http://dontlinkmebro F [i’m not here, i’m gone]

    eord of gawd.

    “Eord” should of course be “word”. Oh for an edit function.

    I like it just the way it is. “Eord of gawd”. It works for me.

  • http://drx.typepad.com Dr X

    Well they did become very self-conscious immediately afterward.

  • dingojack

    Nope, sorry Kilngshitt I can’t get ‘weed’ out of ‘וּמֵעֵ֗ץ הַדַּ֙עַת֙ “.

    BTW Fruity, trees contain lignin and cellulose in their stems to stop themselves from drooping over, but weeds keep themselves upright by using turgidity (the pressure of liquid within the stem, much like the pressure of blood within the penis during an erection).

    Dingo

    ——–

    Fun Fact: If the fruit of the ‘free of good and evil’ was an apple that would be appropriate. The part you consider the fruit (and eat) is really the swollen outer covering of the true fruit which most people throw away (the core). Such fruits are called Accessory fruits, or previously, false fruits.

  • matty1

    He is being too literalist even for a fundie. Most of them would say the story is about Adam and Eve’s disobedience to God, not focus on the actual fruit.

  • samgardner

    Honestly, I kind of like the update. “Don’t do drugs” is a much better message than “don’t seek knowledge”,and maybe he could recast it as god wasn’t punishing them for disobedience but sending them to a recovery house. If he wants to rewrite the Bible to make the stories more actually moral, I’d be all for it.

  • http://www.northernpick.com danrobinson

    thalwen@16

    Where did you get that idea that pot must be heated to work? I mix raw pot in with yogurt and it works very well thank you. This myth of requiring heat is, well…a myth.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    Like, wow, man, I always knew smoking weed gave you greater knowledge of good and evil and stuff, and now my rambling philosophizing has been confirmed. All fifteen years of it. By the squares who tried to silence me the whole time! Who’s up for more pizza?

    Let me guess…Klingingshitte knows all this because he was spying on Eve through the bushes? Or maybe he just had a dream about spying on Eve (this would, after all, be before she started wearing that fig-leaf).

    It would explain, however, why that story is followed by eight solid pages of Eve talking about how “if spiders and monkeys can get along well enough to make spider monkeys there’s, like, hope for the rest of us, man.”

    Okay, a truckload of tubes for Modus!

    …you don’t get high from eating it raw.

    Yes, you can, and plenty of people have. Heat doesn’t “activate” anything; it’s just that the lungs assimilate THC much more efficiently than the digestive system.

    To those referring to translations: Klingingshitte no doubt believes that the KJV is the ONLY true inspired [w]ord of gawd. Screw those original sources.

    I once saw a bumper sticker that said “The King James Bible is the inerrant Word of God!” Not a joke.

  • eric

    @17 – IMO God bears an uncanny resemblance to a Bond villain. First, he creates this great lair. Then, he creates a big self-destruct function for it. Next, he brings James Bond into the lair and tells him exactly how to work the self-destruct button. Then he becomes busy with other matters, and James is left free to wander around the lair…

  • caseloweraz

    Klingenschmitt: “There are certain weeds in the garden, even in the Garden of Eden, that were forbidden by God…maybe it was marijuana!”

    Somebody better tell McDonald’s.

    BTW: I’m fairly certain that this idea (weeds forbidden by God) was not the inspiration for Larry Niven’s use of ragweed as the source of a life-extension drug in his SF novels.

  • Kermit Sansoo

    Clearly Klingenschmitt is against recreational drugs because he thinks they lead to knowledge.

    .

    On a related note, the only time I ever convinced a Fundie on any religious point using reason was when I convinced a Southern Baptist that if the King James bible is divinely inspired, then the original Greek (& Hebrew, and… Aramaic?) bible was, also. It took a complete work shift (we were guards assigned to the same post) and he still looked very suspicious (“He’s using reasoning. It’s a trap!”) but he finally conceded.

    .

    Once again, in the mind of the biblical literalist, God is punishing us for the behavior of ancestors who disobeyed him before they could tell right from wrong. Rather like an abusive father beating a toddler for “stealing” a cookie, isn’t it?