The Duck Dynasty Bible

Go into any department store these days and you’ll find a staggering array of products being sold with the Duck Dynasty douchebags all over them, from beer cozies to t-shirts to weapons. So why not market Christianity to the masses with a brand new Duck Dynasty-themed Bible?

The reality TV stars will next release “The Duck Commander Faith and Family Bible,” a King James translation of the Old and New Testaments that will include branded features about the family.

The Bible, which will be published Oct. 28 by Thomas Nelson, will focus on patriarch Phil Robertson’s five core values — faith, family, fellowship, forgiveness, and freedom…

The Bible will include “30 life-changing testimonials along with 125 ‘Set Your Sights’ features” from Robertson and his oldest son, Al Robertson, who serve as executive editors for the project.

The pair will also outline 52 Bible reading plans with the release.

This should not surprise anyone. Christianity is marketed in this country in a thousand different ways. But seriously, imagine being someone who sees this and thinks, “Oh, I need to have that.” On second thought, don’t imagine it. It’s too frightening. I’m waiting for the commercial with the tagline “Freedom: Brought to you by Exxon.”

""He's got the BIGGEST....balls of them *all*""

Flat Earth Crackpot May Die Soon
"What a waste of a human life - looks like this person could have accomplished ..."

Flat Earth Crackpot May Die Soon
"Nahhh, that's **Aardvark** Products! ;-)"

Flat Earth Crackpot May Die Soon
"The questions at hand are based on claims you've made. Your response to the first, ..."

Lively: Gay Judges Can’t Be Impartial

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • AndrewD


  • caseyboucher

    Why people continue to take either seriously is a mystery.

  • Synfandel

    The “Duck Commander” thing is intriguing. I have never watched the television program. Does someone on it claim to command ducks the way Aquaman commands fish?

  • bahrfeldt

    Isn’t it a Christian (and Jewish?) theme that adding or subtracting anything from the Bible is damnable desecration, never to be divinely forgiven blasphemy? Sort of like wearing American flag clothing was under Nixon?

  • dugglebogey

    These things exist as thoughtless gifts for relatives you don’t really care to shop for. “They watch Duck Dynasty, they’ll like this. Xmas shopping done.”

  • richardelguru

    Can ducks even get dysentery?

  • julial

    When I see ‘Duck Commander’ all I can think of is.

    Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half CENTURY!!!!

    Daffy really.

  • flatlander100

    Yes, there’s a lot of their schlock in the stores… but I’ve also noticed a lot if ot turning up on the clearance shelves, disappearing from the local supermarkets entirely. Abd I don’t recall seeing anyone actually wearing the stuff.

  • fifthdentist

    “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and [from] the things which are written in this book.” — Revelation 22:18-19

  • sharonb

    These guys look like mooslems, to me.

    Just like that Berghdal traitor-boy’s dad.

  • magistramarla


    Here in South Texas, I’ve seen many people wearing this junk.

    It seems that a large number of the rednecks who drive huge trucks are also growing beards.

    I find them all disgusting.

  • pianoman, Heathen & Torontophile

    I’ve seen a few episodes of this show. the older brother picks on Willie and it’s comedic in nature. Uncle Si was funny at first, but then he just got obnoxious to where you wish an alligator would grab his ankle and pull him under in the next episode. then they could all sit at the dinner table and thank god for this beautiful day, and for giving that poor alligator a nice hearty meal.

    Phil is just plain unlikeable. He’s pretty cold and distant towards his family. He acts like he’s inconvenienced having to engage with his own grandchildren. That doesn’t include all the idiotic things he’s said. But I guess he’s proud being a semi-literate, stereotyping, unbathed redneck.

  • caseloweraz

    The five core values of our patriarch Phil Robertson are faith, family, fellowship, forgiveness, and freedom… I’m sorry; I’ll read that again. The six core values of our patriarch Phil Robertson are faith, family, fellowship, forgiveness, freedom, and finances.*

    * AKA “fleecing the flock”

  • busterggi

    I will never understand the compulsion of so many Christians to buy multiple copies of multiple versions of a book that they will never read.

  • peterh

    @ #4:

    The “neither add nor subtract” admonition was quite common in an era of zero copyright protection and endemic plagiarism; it was used as a generally ineffective caveat by all manner of writers in all manner of texts. In the Christian babble, IIR, it only occurs in and only applies to the Apocalypse of John.

  • katzenklavier

    The low-information right’s POV is fairly easy to parse: “Them snooty, wine-sippin’ libtards are, down deep, automatically against real American values. So, we love it when down-home types throw it in their face.”

    Actual nuanced thought or analysis about any of these matters/people prompts knee-jerk, sneering contempt for progressives’ perceived disloyalty.

    Anti-intellectualism is both easy and comforting.

  • vereverum

    Fundamentalists are effectively prohibited from wearing popular licensed referentials because most of them are based in Hollywood or immorality. The word Hollywood serves the same function now as Babylon did in biblical times. But DD items they can wear. OTOH, some of the people in my church might say that wearing even DD licensed referentials is tantamount to idolatry. It’s a good point. So, a la #5, they are purchased by someone who either doesn’t want to expend effort (only money) or someone who really doesn’t understand and given to a person who’ll say ooh thank you out of politeness but won’t wear it.

  • peterh

    a la #5 & # 17:

    It’s all garbage.

  • carbonfox

    I wonder if selected “super-important” verses will be highlighted, such as anything even remotely construable as anti-gay. And if one of the “Set Your Sights” will include the tale of ol’ Duck’s brave stand, risking life and limb, against the homerseckshul establishment, while another talks about grooming that 13-year-old in church for marriage the way Jebus intended.

    And thank Jebus it’s KJV. The fundiots back at home would be so displeased if they’d opted for that heathern translation, the NIV (we were admonished that there was a homosexual person was on the translation staff, an abomination, unlike King James, who was sinless, and even worse, it whitewashed some of the more anti-woman sections!).

  • billdaniels

    Jeebus always spoke in red letters and in King James English.

  • democommie

    Why has there never been a Billy-bob version of the Wholly Babble?

    Something like:

    “And Mary sayeth, unto the Angel of GOD, ‘Hey, y’all; if’n I marry Joseph, will he still be my brother?'”


    “JESUS, good ol’ boy that he was, commenced into feedin’ them 5,000 people with a pan o’ cornbread and a couplea measly rock bass.”

  • noe1951

    #12 Phil is just plain unlikeable. He’s pretty cold and distant towards his family. He acts like he’s inconvenienced having to engage with his own grandchildren. That doesn’t include all the idiotic things he’s said. But I guess he’s proud of pretending to be a semi-literate, stereotyping, unbathed redneck.