Fischer Fears Rainbow-Colored Paper

Bryan Fischer joins the Christian right chorus of people freaking out because a San Francisco Burger King started wrapping its whoppers in rainbow-colored paper. This is a really big deal, you see, and if they don’t stop it here the good people of Iowa might have to see that paper too.

On today’s radio program, Bryan Fischer said that the American Family Association is thinking about issuing an “action alert” about it out of concern that “if this isn’t bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it’s going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain and you’re going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa and you’re going to have a rainbow color wrapper for your Whopper.”

OMG, no! Rainbow-colored wrappers in Iowa! That will turn everyone gay! Run!

On top of that, Fischer just thinks the entire thing is a disastrous marketing idea because “when people sit down to eat a hamburger, the last thing they want to be thinking about is two guys having sex.”

Okay, here’s the deal: If seeing rainbow-colored wrappers makes you think about guys having sex, you might just be a tad bit obsessed with gay sex. Like more obsessed with it than any gay person on earth.

httpv://youtu.be/0vBAFgKUkYQ

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • Chiroptera

    …entire fruited plain….

    *snicker*

  • matty1

    It took a rainbow wrapper for you Bryan, the whole meat and buns thing not enough? Just wait till he finds out about hot dogs

  • karmacat

    So, can we send these people rainbow colored paper with a statement saying, “we know what your are thinking…”

  • D. C. Sessions

    Well, they obviously can’t do lavender wrappers. And pink wouldn’t really do for Brian, would it?

    Come to think of it, he’s probably not at all comfortable with brown, either. And black would put him off his feed.

    I guess when you get right down to it, the only possible acceptable color would be pure white.

  • http://composer99.blogspot.ca composer99

    Domino theory with burger wrapping paper.

    I don’t even -

  • John Pieret

    you’re going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa

    Um, Bryan? You do know Iowa was one of the first states on “the fruited plain” (Dr. Freud to the white courtesy phone, please) to have same sex marriage and still has managed to survive, right?

  • StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    So if rainbow colours indicate gay sex and “God” (yeah, I know bear with me for a sec) created and loves rainbows and sends them as a signal of his bond with man what does that imply about God? That God wants gay sex or is thinking of it every time a rainbow (a natural spectroscope) appears?

  • http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

    I can’t help but wonder if Fischer is scared of his own penis. After all seeing one is likely to make him think of gay sex.

  • jamessweet

    I think we are being a little disingenuous when we belittle them for being all freaked out by “rainbow colored paper”. Imagine that an Alabama Burger King started wrapping their Whoppers with the Bible verse from Leviticus that says a man shall not lay with another man? Would it be wrong to freak out over “a few words on some tissue paper?” I don’t think so..

    The problem here isn’t their overreaction to the triviality of the gesture, it’s that Fischer and his ilk are homophobic bigots. The “Pride Whopper” sends a strong message, it is NOT trivial, and that message is a direct attack on little shits like Fischer. In a way, it’s quite right that they are upset. They SHOULD be upset. This is a direct rebuke to their relevancy in modern American culture.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Maybe they should try to convice a chain store to wrap its burgers in hate slogans or a confederate flag and see how it sells?

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Imagine that an Alabama Burger King started wrapping their Whoppers with the Bible verse from Leviticus that says a man shall not lay with another man?

    It might be delicious if they used some comments about bacon to wrap bacon cheezburgers.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    ITS BURGER KING NOT BURGER QUEEN!!!

  • gmacs

    I’m guessing Fischer has never actually been to Des Moines. Sure, it’s not San Francisco, but they aren’t exactly unused to gay people.

    Y’know, we’ve kinda had SSM in this state for 5 years.

  • peaches

    Well that’s just great. From now on whenever I see a rainbow colored burger wrapper all I’ll be able to think of is Bryan Fischer. And that really is the last thing I want to think of as I’m eating.

  • D. C. Sessions

    From now on whenever I see a rainbow colored burger wrapper all I’ll be able to think of is Bryan Fischer. And that really is the last thing I want to think of as I’m eating.

    Think of it as a weight-loss benefit.

  • caseloweraz

    No need to worry, Rev. Fischer. Just tell your flock to remove the wrapper, turn it ’round, and wrap up the burger so the colors run the other way. This will counteract the influence.

    Works every time!

  • eric

    I think we are being a little disingenuous when we belittle them for being all freaked out by “rainbow colored paper”. Imagine that an Alabama Burger King started wrapping their Whoppers with the Bible verse from Leviticus that says a man shall not lay with another man? Would it be wrong to freak out over “a few words on some tissue paper?” I don’t think so..

    See if you can spot the difference between liberal and conservative responses:

    Fischer says “OMG this is a terrible message. How do we stop them from sending it?”

    Ed would probably say “OMG what a terrible message. What dumfucks they are.”

    Notice what’s missing from the liberal response?

  • pocketnerd

    There’s also an important qualitative difference between a burger wrapper that says “We welcome and accept everybody, regardless of sexual orientation” and one that says “OBEY MY RELIGIOUS DICTATES OR BURN IN HELL.

  • busterggi

    matty @ 2. – hot dogs? how about foot long sausages? kielbasa? korv? apparently every meat counter in the country has gone gay.

  • Larry

    Actually, I don’t like my Whopper wrapped in anything. It feels so much better.

  • http://cheapsignals.blogspot.com Gretchen

    I think we are being a little disingenuous when we belittle them for being all freaked out by “rainbow colored paper”. Imagine that an Alabama Burger King started wrapping their Whoppers with the Bible verse from Leviticus that says a man shall not lay with another man? Would it be wrong to freak out over “a few words on some tissue paper?” I don’t think so..

    Your case here would be a lot stronger if the burger wrapper actually had a picture of two men engaged in anal intercourse on it.

  • D. C. Sessions

    See if you can spot the difference between liberal and conservative responses:

    Fischer says “OMG this is a terrible message. How do we stop them from sending it?”

    Ed would probably say “OMG what a terrible message. What dumfucks they are.”

    Notice what’s missing from the liberal response?

    Yeah, that’s obvious: the impotent liberal pussies are all talk, no action.

    The other big difference is that the Manly Conservatives place an appropriately high value on truth, justice, honor, and the American way of putting ILPs in their proper place.

  • dugglebogey

    The Burger King in my town puts religious messages on the sign out front. “God Bless the USA” was the independence day sign.

  • Katie Anderson

    Someone said they felt that it was discrimination because there isn’t a “I’m straight” wrapper. I let them know they should complain to McDonald’s next Olympics about not being able to get packaging that says “I’m not an Olympic athlete.”

  • Chiroptera

    Katie Anderson, #24: Someone said they felt that it was discrimination because there isn’t a “I’m straight” wrapper.

    Heh. I’m pretty sure that the rainbow wrapper isn’t meant to say that the eater of the hunk of meat between two buns is gay. It’s meant to say that the company is supporting equality among its diverse customers.

    Maybe Chik-fil-a can have a wrapper that is pointy with two eye holes to say, “We’re hateful bigots.”

  • Katie Anderson

    Chiroptera, #25

    Oh I know, but everyone on the AFA Facebook page sure seems to think that touching that wrapper is the same as having gay sex. Someone even implied you could catch HIV from eating fries made by a gay person.

  • Pingback: Homophobes Doth Protest Too Much | Cryptic Philosopher()


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