Really, CNN?

Man, it must be a really slow news day over at CNN. Or maybe they’re just waiting for another Malaysian airliner to disappear or get shot down. So what are they reporting in the meantime? They’re reporting on what “psychics” think about where the stock market is going.

What does the future hold for the stock market?

To answer this question, you could ask an investment strategist. Or you could consult a psychic.

Well yes, you could do that, but only if you want to lose your money.

CNNMoney asked three psychics for their market predictions. Here’s what we learned.

‘The devil card.’ Thomas John, a medium and clairvoyant based in New York, said the S&P 500 will rise above 2,100 by November or December. That’s about 6% above current levels. “YIKES!” he exclaimed.

He said he took 20 minutes to “light a candle and do some meditation,” before firing off an email to CNNMoney with his predictions.

The candles are the key. Sandalwood is particularly good for predicting our economic future.

John said he has advised clients on their investment decisions before.

When a hedge fund asked for his predictions in 2007, John said he saw the name “Lehman Brothers” and that it was under the “devil card,” indicating death or tragedy.

He declined to name the hedge fund or whether it made any moves before Lehman went bankrupt in 2008.

A totally unverifiable claim to support his alleged powers, how entirely unsurprising. And it’s not like he has any incentive to lie about it or anything. Is there an adult in charge at CNN?

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • d.c.wilson

    That’s silly. Candles can’t help you pick the right investments. Everyone knows the only surefire way to make money on the stock market is by examining goat entrails.

  • richardelguru


    I prefer examining banker entrails (with all that that entails).

  • sh3baproject

    what about eel entrails?

  • Richard Smith

    Nevermind psychics or investment strategists, ask a cat.

  • thebookofdave

    Sandalwood is particularly good for predicting our economic future

    To help make the best of the results of following his investment tips, I would suggest chamomile and valium.

  • pianoman, Heathen & Torontophile

    maybe the execs just thought “aw, fuck, nobody really even watches us anymore. So who’s gonna see this?”

  • vmanis1

    Actually, as a psychic, I can confidently report this message from the Other World, relayed to me by the spirit of Helena Blavatsky herself: the market will sometimes go up and sometimes go down. Thank you, thank you, I accept VISA, MasterCard, and Amex (though there is a $25 service charge for dishonored payments).

  • busterggi

    If only I can learn to channel the spirit of Criswell…

  • Nick Gotts

    Well yes, you could do that, but only if you want to lose your money.

    I dunno. I seem to recall reading that a randomly chosen person does better than investment strategists. The random person usually picks stocks they’ve heard of, and these tend to be well-established companies that are less likely to go bust than the lesser-known ones picked by the “experts”.

  • badgersdaughter

    I’m a non-psychic who dabbles in Tarot because I find it interesting. I don’t believe it has any mystical powers. (Of course, my psychic friends think I’m fooling myself, but I say it only goes to show how easy it is to “perform a reading” without any intervention from the supernatural.)

    Based on my best understanding of the Devil card, his reading should have indicated that Lehman Bros were going to adopt a contrarian strategy. For a financial firm, disaster and penury are more in line with the five of coins, the reversed ten of coins, or the three or nine of swords.


  • Pierce R. Butler
    … you could ask an investment strategist. Or you could consult a psychic.

    Well yes, you could do that, but only if you want to lose your money.

    As Nick G noted in # whatever *, you can lose that money just as easily either way. Jim Cramer, anybody. Or Ben Stein. Stein? Stein?

    * Bring back comment numbering!

  • Jasper of Maine

    OR CNN could consult a Magic 8-Ball. More immediate results than lighting candles.