Christian Mingle, the Movie

If you loved God’s Not Dead as much as I do, you’re gonna love Christian Mingle: The Movie. And no, I didn’t make that up. This is an actual movie that comes out in a couple months about a young woman who pretends to be a Christian to meet a hot guy, then of course gets saved and becomes an actual Christian. Here’s the trailer:

httpv://youtu.be/D0OJqNp6aJU

I’m finding it highly amusing that on top of the Christian music industry (mostly for bands too lame to make it without that identifier) and the Christian book industry (especially the Christian self-help books, which are even worse than the non-Christian self-help books), we now have a Christian movie industry pumping out predictable, suburb-friendly mush like this. But God’s Not Dead set the bar pretty high on the unintentional comedy scale, so they’ve got a hard act to follow.

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • doublereed

    Thoughts while watching trailer:

    Uhh… okay…

    That’s not very funny.

    Is she going to be Jewish or nonreligious? Nonspecific?

    That wasn’t funny either.

    Did he just woo her by saying “family. joy.”?

    I wonder if they ever talk about gay people in this film.

    Wait I know him.

    Stephen Tobolowsky?!

    That wasn’t funny either.

    How long is this trailer?

    Oh god the trailer has the best parts of the movie doesn’t it?

    STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY NOOOOOO!!!!

  • John Pieret

    Written and directed by Corbin Bernsen … Arnie from LA Law? Who woudda thunk it?

  • tuibguy

    Yes, I was surprised about the Corbin Bernsen thing, too, and John Hurley. The production company is “Home Theater Films,” are they just admitting defeat that this will go straight to video?

  • Trebuchet

    I refuse to watch the trailer this early in the morning. Is the film related to the “Christian Mingle” website? The one with the creepy ads constantly on cable? At least they’re no longer running that REALLY creepy jingle.

  • http://www.facebook.com/skeptifilmmaker donnas

    List of unknown not even B list actors- check

    Washed up actor/director- check

    90 min infomercial for religion- check

    Mediocre production value- check

    Millions of unintentional laughs- check

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    THIS ISNT A CHRISTIAN MOVIE!!! THIS IS A DISGUSTING MOVIE!!! THIS IS TYPICAL LIBERALHOLLYWOOD FILTH!!! THEIR PARENTS DIDNT ARRANGE AND ATTEND AND OVERSEE THEIR COURTSHIP?!!! AND THEY TOUCHED EACH OTHER IN A PHYSICAL MANNER BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED?!!!

  • raven

    It sounds perfectly yucky. I’m not watching the trailer. Life is too short for that.

    1. I could see how they could jazz the plot up though. The guy joins the Army of god, a US xian terrorist organization with a few kills on their resume. He and his squad blow up a biology building at a major US research university, killing a few dozen Darwinists.

    (Or you could change it to Planned Parenthood, an astronomical observatory, or history building.)

    2. They join a Rapture Ready cult and withdraw from the world. The woman has 15 kids while waiting for jesus to come back.

  • raven

    I’m wondering where are the schlocky “C” list atheist movies.

    And decided it is probably a good thing they don’t exist.

    Movies like god is not dead and Christian Mingle are the atheist movies. Anyone with intelligence and education is going to wonder whether xianity causes brain damage and unwatchable movies. It’s Reefer Madness for religion.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    That shameless hussy actually shows a full INCH of cleavage!!1!

    * Studies displayed frame very intently *

    TWO INCHES!1!1!

    And they expect Real Christians© to bring their Real Christian Kids™ to watch such raw porno???

    Somebody ought to picket their studio with signs so they’ll know:

    God Hates Tits!®

  • Anthony K

    List of unknown not even B list actors- check

    Stephen Tobolowsky and Morgan Fairchild aren’t unknowns. Haven’t heard Fairchild’s name since the 80′s, but Tobolowsky playing the goofy boss is as consistent as sunrise.

    The trailer was nothing special, but so what? Given this at a theatre vs. yet another reboot of a superhero franchise I couldn’t give two shits about because I grew up on Archie, not Sharkman, or the Rascal, or Metabeaver or whatever, I might see this.

    (Okay, I probably wouldn’t see this. But if I have to see one more fucking cameo by Stan Lee then cinema is well and truly dead and deserves no mourning.)

  • Nemo

    pretends to be a Christian to meet a hot guy

    Does not compute.

  • Anthony K

    Blockquote fail.

    I’m wondering where are the schlocky “C” list atheist movies.

    And decided it is probably a good thing they don’t exist.

    Well, The Ledge only got 14% on Rotten Tomatoes.

  • weatherwax

    #9 “That shameless hussy actually shows a full INCH of cleavage!!”

    That’s nothing. When they pan out you can see her ankles!! HER ANKLES!!!

  • http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

    Bersen makes an appearance on The Young and the Restless every few months. Lots of fornication, adultery etc. on a soap, so maybe this film is just a way to make money. I’m sure the production company is happy to have a semifamous name to point to. “See, he was on a big show in the ’80s, and now he’s supporting the Lord!” Don’t forget that Michael York appeared in The Omega Code, a Christian thriller, and its sequel, in between doing various mainstream Hollywood gigs, including the Austin Powers movies.

  • brucemartin

    I’m still waiting for someone to do a remake of gods not dead as a zombie satire for Easter. Then Christian mingle could be remade as the scene from the gospel when the dead rise from their graves and mingle with the people they knew. It’s the new genre of Christian horror movie satires.

  • teawithbertrand

    Sometimes we’re waiting for god to make the next move while he’s saying it’s our turn to act.

    *Puke*

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist

    Is it really April? Like maybe the first day of?

    When I was a kid the good, hot Christian girls slutted themselves up to be with the bad boys.

    Have things really changed this much? … Probably not.

  • catbutler

    Does that make it reverse missionary dating? Cuz I’m pretty sure that only standard missionary position is allowable.

  • Reginald Selkirk

    Continuing the checklist:

    One black coworker character with “token” stamped on her forehead – check.

    What’s with the sudden reflux of lame Christian movies? Has something changed about the economics of movie making to make this possible?

  • magistramarla

    I’ve been going to water aerobics at the local neighborhood pool (Texas) this summer.

    I had to pretend that I had accidentally swallowed some water and choked when I heard one of the ladies recommending “god is not dead” and “heaven is for real” to the others as good family movies to take the kids or grandkids to see.

  • http://www.facebook.com/andrewasante andrewbrown not the one from the grauniad

    Thought experiment. Reverse the sexes, so guy fakes the True Christian schtick to seduce hot virginal xtian girl. Don’t think this would be getting made. Just another example of the unconscious sexism inherent in so much of the Jesus nonsense.

  • http://twitter.com/#!/TabbyLavalamp Tabby Lavalamp

    I follow Morgan Fairchild on Twitter and for the most part she’s great there (a recent retweet from Ghost Hunters was disappointing), so she’s the biggest surprise for me. But then she’s an older woman in Hollywood who isn’t Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren so she probably doesn’t have exactly the pick of plum acting roles to choose from.

  • sugarfrosted

    ChristianMingle is hilarious. Their owners, Spark Networks, own a bunch of dating services.

    Source http://www.spark.net/our-portfolio/portfolio-overview/

    I look forward to the sequel where a guy goes on Blacksingles.com to try to find hot women, then ends up putting on blackface and speaking an incorrect stereotype version of African-American English.

  • sugarfrosted

    @23 ^ Meant to mention white guy, but that should be obvious from the context.

  • matty1

    A thought just struck me, is the existence of ‘Christian’ movies, dating sites, pop etc basically an admission that they are not the majority? If they were as numerous as is sometimes claimed surely Christian would be the default and not need separate marketing.

  • doublereed

    @25

    Nah. Less religious liberal Christians don’t care enough about religion to go specifically to a Christian site (unlike say, liberal Muslims and Jews who still might like the exclusivity). So a site like ChristianMingle sounds like it’s more specifically for conservatives and more religious people.

    Of course, being serious about religion is not attractive, even if you are serious about religion (see link below). Religion is just not sexy.

    http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/how-races-and-religions-match-in-online-dating/

  • martinc

    @ 16

    Sometimes we’re waiting for god to make the next move while he’s saying it’s our turn to act.

    From the zany quiz “Christian Movie Quote or 9/11 Bomber Quote?”

  • busterggi

    “Religion is just not sexy.”

    Are you unaware of all the porn sites about Catholic schollgirls?

  • Abdul Alhazred

    But seriously folks … how many men do you suppose have done something like that to get laid?

  • DaveL

    Sometimes we’re waiting for god to make the next move while he’s saying it’s our turn to act.

    So what happens if it turns out you’re a terrible actor?

  • freehand

    DaveL says: So what happens if it turns out you’re a terrible actor?

    .

    Then your career in the Christian movie industry is assured.


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