Stand Back, He’s Gonna Prophecy

Chuck Pierce, self-declared prophet of God, is preparing to unleash a whole bunch of “prophetic words” and the message will apparently be that we’re in the midst of a “spiritual war.” And the key to winning those spiritual battles, apparently, is to praise God.

“We have entered a dangerous season!” he says. “Even though the enemy would like to knock your legs out from under you and drive you off of your path, decree that the Lord is taking a stand and illuminating your path.”

Pierce then offers this prophetic word:

“The confrontation of the enemy is at hand. You must be filled with praise to enter into that conflict ahead. War is stirring in your midst. War is rising. Unless I rise and inhabit your praises, you will not be able to praise in the midst of the conflicts ahead. I am calling you into a place, and I am going before you so that I am waiting to give you victory. I will establish Myself in your midst. When your conflicts arise, praise Me, and I will assure you of victory in your wars ahead.”

That’s some world class religio-babble right there.

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • bahrfeldt

    False profiteer.

  • raven

    And the key to winning those spiritual battles, apparently, is to praise God.

    Huh???? What!!!!

    This isn;t True fundie xianity!!!

    The key to winning those spiritual battles is to send money to Chuck Pierce.

    While god never needs money, his prophets on earth always seem to be broke and need lots of it. Spiritual battles aren’t cheap you know. Do you have any idea how much a spiritual tank or ectoplasmic jet fighter costs these days?

  • tsig

    The only thing that can hold the heathen at bay is your money, send it now, the forces of darkness are gathering and we need help to spread the light, your children’s fate will be determined by your generosity so give generously and your spiritual rewards will be multiplied by a thousand-fold. Give, give, give it’s god’s will!

  • raven

    god supposedly:

    I will establish Myself in your midst.

    Well OK. Whatever.

    Sp where has this god been for the last 2,000 years and what has he done in that time? Apparently, according to Chuck Pierce, he’s been gone somewhere. Probably on Kpax IV, 50 million light years away, communing with his new chosen beings, the giant squids swimming in methane seas.

  • Paul

    FYI “prophecy” is a noun, “prophesy” is the verb.

  • dugglebogey

    Why do these “prophets” always warn in advance when they are about to receive the word of god and transmit it?

    Does that mean they’ve already received the word of god, or was god just making an appointment?

    Srsly, WTF?

  • dingojack

    Paul – as I’ve mentioned before, these types are mentally still in the 16th century*.



    * The regulation of the noun/verb spelling distinction firmed during the 18th century

  • Pierce R. Butler

    “We have entered a dangerous season!”

    Well, yeah: two potential hurricanes shaping up in the mid-Atlantic this morning, f’rinstance. We haven’t faced such a threat since about the last northern-hemisphere autumnal equinox!

  • anubisprime

    @ OP

    Stand Back, He’s Gonna Prophecy

    Fuck…to late…all over my new trainers……only bought them yesterday!

  • lldayo

    Pierce was first heard saying, “Watch this! Here…hold my beer.”

  • lorn

    Laugh if you must. It is laughably silly to a confirmed atheist.

    But this this might be a glimmer of light toward the religious giving up their childish dependence upon imaginary supernatural beings.

    This concept of praise vitalizing the community establishes an implicit link between their God and the believers that is not entirely one way. He couches it in terms of praising God brings victory to believers. But the implication is that failure to praise their God leads to something of a defeat of God, in the form of the collective religious community. In other words, God somehow, and at some level, needs believer’s praise to maintain the strength to assure victory for his collective. Which both makes God dependent upon man, and explains what happens to ancient Gods we no longer hear much about. No believers actively praising them causes them to fade away. Which is exactly what you would expect of Gods created as notional being by man.

    This is a good thing.

  • jnorris

    Who the fuck is Chuck Pierce? If he isn’t the Second, or better still, THE First Eagle of the Apocalypse then he just nothin’ I tell ya.