Ladies and Gentlemen, Mike Cernovich

On Friday night, Ken from Popehat referred to me in a post about Michael Shermer’s incredibly ridiculous letter supporting Dinesh D’Souza. I found out about it from a tweet by some muscleheaded dumbass named Mike Cernovich and I quickly realized that I just have to introduce my readers to him. He’s hilariously stupid. Here’s the tweet that started it all:

Where could he possibly have gotten the idea that I think those who disagree with me should be in prison? Apparently he thinks that my reaction to Shermer’s letter on behalf of D’Souza means I want D’Souza sent to prison because I disagree with him. Clearly, logic is not Cernovich’s strong suit. And without that tool at his disposal, here’s the only thing he has left:

Wow. I’m fat? That’s the best he has? Yep. My reply:

Wow, what a powerful argument. But you’re still a fucking moron. And no diet can fix that.

And his response, which was to repeat his previous bullshit:

The funny thing, of course, is that I’m practically a free speech absolutist. If the government were to try to punish D’Souza for expressing his views, I’d be the first one to defend his rights. But that isn’t what happened here. He committed a crime. He admits that he committed it and admits that he knew it was illegal when he did so. He deserves the penalty for that crime. Does he deserve a long prison term? No, I don’t think so. I think a brief stay in a county jail would be reasonable. And if he hadn’t lied to the court about how terribly sorry he is (while simultaneously trying to fundraise on the basis of how much he’s being persecuted), I’d probably be fine with probation and community service.

So who is Mike Cernovich? He’s an attorney who sells “fit juice” and declares himself to be an “alpha male.” He even has “alpha male posture building exercises” and appears to be rather obsessed with his testosterone level. Seriously, have you ever met anyone who claimed to be an “alpha male” who wasn’t a massive asshole? Oh, and he has another site showing people how to do “juice cleanses.”

Best of all, he’d like to teach you “how to pick up hot chicks.” And how to find “legit friends” (the answer, apparently: be a major douchebag). And he’s here to offer “biblical wisdom on friendship,” including such revelatory statements as, “I am the first guy to both do another man a solid and the first guy to kick fuck-ups out of the crew.” Powerful stuff.

He has a list of 31 things he’s sure you want to know more about him and there are some real gems like this:

4. I got bullied relentlessly and then beat up everyone who had ever wronged me. I developed a strong sense of justice and desire to help the underdog. I hurt anyone who wrongs me and hold lifetime grudges.

Yeah, that’s called being an asshole.

6. I had to learn how to downplay my intelligence, as it made peers resentful of me. I can pretty much figure anything out in about 1/3 the time it takes other people.

*snort*

24. I have been a guest at Sheryl Sandberg’s house and ate dinner with Mark Zuckerberg. Sheryl Sandberg overtly flirted with me and Mark Zuckerberg and his flunkie (forget his name – Chris Cox?) were insecure around me. That’s when I learned that money can’t buy what I have.

Oh gosh, he’s just so manly, don’t you think?

30. I hate talking about myself.

All evidence to the contrary. “I don’t always talk about myself, but when I do I make sure it’s in the most overwrought, self-aggrandizing manner.” Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Cernovich:

"Ed writes:This is pretty standard thinking among the Christian right. It’s part of that “purity ..."

Pastor: Moore Liked Young Girls Because ..."
"They accused me of having a bad attitude after I asked "How high?" instead of ..."

Looks Like Flynn Has Flipped on ..."
"Teacher: [takes attendance] "Mueller? Mueller? Mueller?"Simone Adamley: "Um, he's fired. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's ..."

Looks Like Flynn Has Flipped on ..."
"While in the Army, I was accused of having a bad attitude a couple of ..."

Looks Like Flynn Has Flipped on ..."

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!


What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    Don’t tell me, let me guess: He’s Vox Day’s personal attorney.

  • schmeer

    What a joke. I hope he screams in rage at his computer monitor and holds lifelong grudges against all of the pseudonyms.

  • John Pieret

    He’s an attorney and the only way he can think to get back at people is physical violence? Add ‘not very good at the law’ to his “resume”.

  • funknjunk

    hmm, i love this post, as I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a wonderful example of an asshole. Kudos to him for being such a clear model for the rest of us and kudos to you for bringing this asshole gem to your readers ….

  • Michael Heath

    Mike Cernovich’s entertaining enough, though not in the manner I think he intends.

  • John Pieret

    From his “legit friends” page:

    I, for example, am not particularly narcissistic.

    Staggering!

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    6. I had to learn how to downplay my intelligence, as it made peers resentful of me. I can pretty much figure anything out in about 1/3 the time it takes other people.

    I may give him the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps he downplayed his intelligence to the point where it atrophied. The end result is the same: He’s a moron. As for figuring things out in 1/3 the time: That’s really easy if you just jump to conclusions. Actually thinking about things takes time.

    17. I passed the California Bar Exam after studying less than 40 hours.

    18. My results expired while I fought a false rape case, so I took the California Bar Exam again. I may be the only attorney who can say he took the California Bar Exam twice – and passed both times.

    My bullshit detector just hit ’11’. All you have to do after passing the exam is take the oath. He was so busy fighting the rape case that he couldn’t take the oath? Or was it because he failed the positive moral character determination? As far as being the “only attorney” to do this, I doubt it. There’s a specific section in some California Bar Association documents about this situation. Somehow I think the issue has come up more than once. But hey, it’s a nice fantasy.

    30. I hate talking about myself.

    Irony meters exploded across the blogiverse with that one.

    31. Sometimes I look at Danger & Play and feel like crying. I am more proud of D&P than of anything else I’ve done in my life.

    Gosh, what a sensitive guy he is. I’m just so moved by this, I feel some manly tears coming on. Mostly tears of pity, because if that blog is what he’s most proud of, he’s got a pretty narrow life.

  • DaveL

    Found in a reply to comments on his blog:

    Like I talked about in the podcast with Nic G, it’s the Law of Attraction and Law of Reflection in action. I write to attract certain people and as you know, I ban people who do not have this energy. Hence we are all on the same wave length.

    Because no dubious self-help advice would be complete without a reference to “the Law of Attraction” and nonsensical uses of the term “energy”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=701394965 patrickashton

    Sheryl Sandberg overtly flirted with me

    In other words, she actually talked to him.

    This guy should know better than to engage Ed in a battle of wits unarmed.

  • Taz

    You have to admit he’s a genius. How else could he become an attorney at the age of twelve.

    What do you mean he’s not twelve?

  • eric

    I hurt anyone who wrongs me and hold lifetime grudges.

    Uh oh, sounds like someone needs another juice cleanse.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mmiecielica michael kellymiecielica
  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Seriously, have you ever met anyone who claimed to be an “alpha male” who wasn’t a massive asshole?

    To be fair, they normally have most of the bugs worked out by the time they go gold.

  • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

    In summary: he is a PUA and MRA.

    Really, what more needs to be said?

  • a_ray_in_dilbert_space

    Wow! So this is what happens when a guy spends an entire lifetime hearing, “Is it in?”

    Tragic.

  • mildlymagnificent

    Oh dear. What a shame. I’m already married so I can’t seek this oh-so-heroic manly man out for a deep and meaningful, ecstatically joyous relationship.

    I think I’ll bravely bear the loss.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @ John Pieret #3

    Perhaps he wasn’t listening well in law school when they gave him the old adage. What he heard was:

    If the facts are on your side, pound on the facts.

    If the law is on your side, pound on the law.

    If you have nothing on your side, pound on the table other guy.

    I was somewhat amused by his claim to have passed Army OCS. I haven’t seen anything on his site that he ever rose above ‘grunt’ in the reserves. Passing OCS is one thing, actually getting a commission is something else entirely. I also notice that his list of 31 “facts” says “… this is all verifyable”, but provides no references to actually verify the facts. Well, you can verify the fact that he was admitted to the bar in California, but that’s about it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=730511544 billdaniels

    #15:

    ‘Wow! So this is what happens when a guy spends an entire lifetime hearing, “Is it in?”’

    He hears this while he is asking, ‘Am I hurting you?”

  • Kevin Kehres

    What a charmer. He’s probably a multi-billionaire too, with 5,000 verified patents.

  • tiredofusernamerules
  • John Pieret

    Add ‘an inability to read’ to his list of accomplishments:

    At tiredofusernamerules’s link, Cernovich is castigating Ed for the following quote:

    You may have heard about the MMA fighter who calls himself War Machine brutally beating his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mac, last week after coming to her house and finding her with another man. There have been many disturbing things about the story, especially those who somehow thought the fact that she’s a porn star somehow makes the situation less appalling or more understandable. Even more disturbing are the views this asshole expressed, which put him right in the mainstream of the MRA movement. [Emphasis by Cernovich]

    This moron is claiming that Ed meant that the asshole’s views were worse than the beating Christy Mac received. Of course, to people actually able to read, Ed said nothing of the sort. What Ed said was that the asshole’s views are more disturbing than those who think the fact that she’s a porn star somehow makes the situation less appalling or more understandable.

    Of course, War Machine’s views make it very likely that another woman will be brutally beaten, so they are close to being as bad as the beating itself.

  • rabbitscribe

    #20 tired: Thanks. You can’t buy this shit for love nor money. He’s completely misunderstood something Ed wrote. Ed said, “This particular point of view is disturbing, but this other point of view is even more disturbing.” Cernovich heard, “Expressing this particular point of view is more disturbing than severely battering a woman.” He then concluded Ed wants people imprisoned for decades for expressing a wide variety of opinions. In the comments, someone pointed out his confusion. His ridiculous defense includes the sentences, “Ed is a professional writer. Paragraphs follow a proper structure. ”

    But Cernovich treats paragraphs as optional.

    Huge swaths of his blog are single sentences with paragraph spacing.

    Like this.

    lol

  • https://www.facebook.com/wojciech.majda Wojciech Majda

    Hi Ed,

    I am a reader of Mike’s blogs:

    Danger and Play

    Fit Juice

    Some people might consider him an asshole, but I think it’s just his no bullshit approach (which I like very much)… Anyway I don’t want to convince you to like him, but I just wanted to let you know he made you a business offer. It’s

    10.000$ upfront and 50-50 spits of profits:

    http://www.dangerandplay.com/2014/09/15/ed-brayton-obese-juice-fast/

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHw41q2ozi4

    Let’s just say that there are a lot of people who would love to have Mike a a business partner as (among many things) he is good at marketing, he has a very extensive network and a long (and still growing) mailing list.

    I am looking forward to hear what are you going to do.

    Cheers!

  • http://www.facebook.com/thecoloursociety Drewzilla

    Wojciech Majda @ 23:

    Hahaha hahaha hahaha!

    Oh wait, you’re serious…Let me laugh even harder…

  • https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100004818817654 DeAnn Falvey

    Sounds like Mike Cernovich is making you a fair offer, Ed. $10k (!!!) and a free 30 day juice cleanse (with doctor oversight)? Plus 50% of the proceeds from the resulting ebook? Mike is actually an internet marketer with some skill and connections, even if you don’t like him, so that could be quite lucrative. I say go for it!

  • cactuswren

    In my experience “I can pretty much figure anything out in about 1/3 the time it takes other people” usually means “By the time you’re 1/3 of the way through with your statement, I’ve decided what you’re going to say and have already started answering you.”

  • Kielan Lemons

    All I can say is, ball is in your court ed. Mike’s video sums it all.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHw41q2ozi4

  • lofgren

    Of course, to people actually able to read, Ed said nothing of the sort.

    But I’ll bet it took you like three times as long as him to figure that out.

  • Michael Heath

    Mike’s video avoids Ed’s criticism, it doesn’t “sum it up” as the poster @ 27 falsely claims.

    Mike Cernovich’s response to Ed’s criticism belongs in the avoidance hall of fame. We can now expect this coward to psychologically project cowardice on Ed, that Ed’s the coward because he won’t chase Cernovich’s red herring.

    Wojciech Majda @ 23:

    Some people might consider him an asshole . . .

    These are weasel words. In your framework everyone could be considered an asshole by some. What we observe with Mike Cernovich’s blog is someone who demonstrably behaves like an asshole. He meets the definition, regardless of whether “some” consider him one or not.

    Exhibit A would be attempting to change the topic because Mr. Cernovich’s demonstrably impotent in cogently rebutting Ed’s criticisms. At least he tried, but even Cernovich must have realized his response didn’t work; ergo the red herring we observe here.

  • DaveL

    I’d like to know where he’s going to find a doctor who’s willing to supervise a weight loss of 50 lbs in 30 days.

  • eric

    DeAnn @25:

    Sounds like Mike Cernovich is making you a fair offer,

    I haven’t seen the video so this is a serious question, not a snark: did he offer Ed an apology for mischaracterizing Ed’s position on the first amendment? Did he acknowledge that a fat joke is a nonsequitur (at best) or ad hominem (at worst) way to respond to someone saying “you’re wrong, and here’s why….”

    Another minor quibble, but does MC really think that the New Testament-approved method for dealing with people is to be “the first guy to kick fuck-ups out of the crew”? That doesn’t sound very Jesus-like to me.

  • pocketnerd

    Uh oh, Ed, looks like you hurt Mike’s little manfeels. Now he’s going to use his Total Alpha Dawg Elite Mall Ninja Secret Tech to posture constantly about how he doesn’t care about you or what you think… while publicly obsessing over you and what you think. (But in a Total Alpha Dawg way, of course.)

  • caseloweraz

    How about this, from Mike’s list of 31 things:

    5. I got awesome grades in college and could have gone to any graduate school in the country for philosophy. I went to law school out of the naive desire to help people.

    8. I didn’t have a great overall class rank because if I don’t care about something, I won’t put the work into it.

    Perhaps it was such apparent self-contradictions in Mike’s conversation that made Mark Zuckerberg (and his “flunkie”) uncomfortable, rather than his overwhelming presence. (Of course, Mike might only mean he got awesome grades in philosophy courses. In that case there’s no contradiction. But Mike doesn’t seem the philosophical type, somehow…)

    And his home page doesn’t validate.

  • Jordan Genso

    Let me get this straight. Are any of his readers that have shown up here actually willing to engage in a back-and-forth? Or are they only interested in making some random comment and then refusing to actually discuss the issue at hand?

    Maybe that’s what makes these blogs different (as opposed to his blog where apparently he doesn’t allow many dissents to appear) — you are welcome to make whatever point you want, but if you are too cowardly to engage in rational discussion, it’s going to be glaringly obvious to everyone else.

  • dugglebogey

    Most smart people know there’s a lot of people out there smarter than they are, and that no matter how smart they are, there are always people who know things they don’t know. Most average people know that there are tons of people out there smarter than they are. Even most dumb people know that they aren’t the smartest people around. It takes a true moron to think he’s always the smartest person in the room. This guy is so dumb he thinks he can “figure out things” faster than everyone else, but the reality is everyone already knows it and doesn’t need to “figure it out.”

  • dugglebogey

    I’ve never seen anybody who was actually strong try to convince other people he was strong. I’ve never seen anybody who was smart try to convince anybody he was smart.

    This guy tries too hard to do both.

  • dingojack

    Ah yes — the smartest guys in the room. What could possibly go wrong?!?

    :/ Dingo

  • dugglebogey

    I’m reminded of “A Fish Called Wanda”

    Wanda: “But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?”

    Otto: “Apes don’t read philosophy.”

    Wanda: “Yes they do, Otto. They just don’t understand it.”

  • http://cheapsignals.blogspot.com Gretchen

    Hi. I’m the person standing with Ed in that first photo this Mike Cernovich guy posted on his blog post describing how much Ed fails at life (what that has to do with Ed’s views on Dinesh D’Souza or freedom of speech, I have no idea). This photo is apparently intended to contrast with the one at the bottom of the post, which features Cernovich and some woman….not failing at life? I guess?

    Since we’re all just standing there in the pictures, I’m not exactly clear on how any of us are more winning than the others. Cernovich and the woman aren’t sinking basketballs in nets from across the court or anything, neither are they recording any cures for cancer or willing any Nobel peace prizes– again, so far as I can tell. And to be fair, neither are Ed and I. We’re just standing there, looking happy. Something Ed’s not supposed to be, according to Cernovich, though I can’t imagine why.

    Not to insult the woman Cernovich is standing with in his picture– she looks quite nice, and also happy (as far as such a thing can be discerned from a picture). I do feel sorry for her to be standing with him, though. It’s painful to spend any amount of time around a person who is apparently the living embodiment of the ad hominem fallacy, let alone long enough for a picture to be taken.

  • dugglebogey

    Just to prove my point, Mike has banned me from commenting on his blog.

    All my comments there were polite. All they did was question some of the things that were being said about Ed, and ask for justification for those statements, or point out the inconsistencies of people’s comments.

    I was never rude in any of them, except to say that commenting on Ed’s weight or status are purely ad hominem attacks and that he should be able to make his point without them if he has one.

  • dugglebogey

    He also deleted my comments.

    This explains why there are no questions or opposing opinions on his blog, he deletes them.

    That’s real “dangerous.”

    Real philosophers rarely parrot the statements of other philosophers as this guy does constantly to try to impress people. Real thinkers read them understand them and then come up with ideas of their own.

  • Crimson Clupeidae

    Ed, maybe you should introduce this guy to your old friend Pat “blogs from his mom’s basement”…..whatever his name was.

    I predict a bromance!

  • https://www.facebook.com/wojciech.majda Wojciech Majda

    @Michael Heath

    “These are weasel words. In your framework everyone could be considered an asshole by some. What we observe with Mike Cernovich’s blog is someone who demonstrably behaves like an asshole. He meets the definition, regardless of whether “some” consider him one or not.”

    No. it’s just your (and mine) opinion. For some people he is very nice and generous. I would fit int that category, as he helped me make my website better.

    @Gretchen

    Girls like masculine and dominant guys (aka assholes). Just check this website:

    http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

  • Michael Heath

    Wojciech Majda @ 23:

    Some people might consider [Mike Cernovich] an asshole . . .

    My response in a prior post:

    “These are weasel words. In your framework everyone could be considered an asshole by some. What we observe with Mike Cernovich’s blog is someone who demonstrably behaves like an asshole. He meets the definition, regardless of whether “some” consider him one or not.”

    [emphasized here only]

    Wojciech Majda @ 43

    No. it’s just your (and mine) opinion. For some people he is very nice and generous. I would fit int that category, as he helped me make my website better.

    In this reality words have meanings and we can make observations and accurately describe those observations. Someone who acts like an asshole can also sometimes be “nice and generous”; that laudable behavior in no way negates the fact they act like an asshole at other times.

    I’ll say this for Mr. Cernovich, he attracts very sloppy thinkers who have yet to develop even remedial critical thinking skills while avoiding logical fallacies.

  • dingojack

    MH – “I’ll say this for Mr. Cernovich, he attracts very sloppy thinkers who have yet to develop even remedial critical thinking skills while avoiding logical fallacies.”

    Perhaps that’s the core of Mr Cernovich’s (alleged) “marketing genius” — only sell to idiots.

    Dingo

  • http://cheapsignals.blogspot.com Gretchen

    Girls like masculine and dominant guys (aka assholes)

    Being masculine and “dominant” (whatever that means) isn’t enough to make a person an asshole. Harrassing people about their appearance and lifestyle in lieu of arguing against a position of theirs is.

    I don’t doubt that plenty of women like men who do this (though I’m not one of them). What I question is why it matters– what’s the point of even bringing this up? It strikes me as yet another way to attack appearance and lifestyle (aka, be an asshole).

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @Dingojack

    Perhaps that’s the core of Mr Cernovich’s (alleged) “marketing genius” — only sell to idiots.

    Considering that he bans anyone who asks even a polite reasonable question from commenting on his blog, he’s got a pretty effective filter to keep people who think like him around. If you only allow idiots access, then pretty soon you’re surrounded by idiots.

    That whole blog is a fairy tale that Cernovich has written about himself. Now he has to keep repeating the fairy tale to keep it fresh and to keep reality from creeping in. Keeping people around who have bought into the fairy tale is part of that reinforcement. It’s likely that they come wanting the same fairy tale for themselves, so they all sit around repeating it, because if it’s true for Mike, it can be true for them.

    (Since Mr. Cernovich uses the “alpha” metaphor, I have this mental image of him and his sycophants running around sniffing each other’s butts. Ick.)

    @Wojciech

    Girls like masculine and dominant guys (aka assholes)

    Some do, some don’t. One web site isn’t much evidence in support of that. I’m sure that “girls like assholes” is a comforting story that you all tell yourselves, while sitting around the campfire being all manly, but it’s a story, not reality. Do try to not base your life on comforting generalities — you’re going to end up disappointed. Assuming that all women (or all men) are the same is really very stupid. It’s only benefit is that you don’t have to think or try to understand other people. Thinking is hard and ambiguity is scary, so you subscribe to a simplistic view of the world to avoid having to work too hard.

  • pocketnerd

    I have yet to see or hear “but women like assholes!” in a context that isn’t an elaborate figleaf for misogyny.

  • http://cheapsignals.blogspot.com Gretchen

    Not so elaborate. Once you’ve acknowledged thinking of women as a sort of fancy accessory that displays your worth/success in life/whatever (which justifies whatever behavior you think might attract them, morality be damned), you might as well get the business cards with “MRA” printed at the end of your name.

  • Pingback: Mike Cernovich; #GamerGate Lawyer | idledillettante()

  • http://cityzenjane.wordpress.com cityzenjane

    http://boingboing.net/2014/10/20/vultures-circle-gamergate.html

    Also:

    FAT men last longer in bed, while lean gym jocks are prone to premature ejaculation, a new study has found.

    The scientific research, from Erciyes University in Turkey, found that men with excess body fat develop more female sex hormones that influence their sexual performance.

    Men with high fat levels were found to have higher levels of the female sex hormone oestradiol, which disrupts the chemical balance in their body, making them last longer during sex.

    The survey’s results found fat men could last an average of 7.3 minutes during love making, while others only lasted 1.8 minutes.

    To find the results, researchers spent a year recording the body mass index (BMI) of more than 100 patients referred for specialist treatment.

    They compared these results with 100 other male patients who lasted longer during sex.

    Results concluded that the men needing treatment for premature ejaculation had lower BMI scores, meaning they were fitter.

    “We found that premature ejaculators were leaner,” the report stated.

    …just saying jocks… it’s also the self involvement…

    This Mike Cernovich is a child…a very insecure child.