The Ayurvedic ‘Cure’ for Ebola

The homeopaths, naturopaths and medical conspiracy theorists have been spewing their usual bullshit about the Ebola problem, including claiming that the virus was created by the government to kill people. Now we get an advocate of Ayurvedic medicine who has the cure: drinking your urine.

My therapy to curtail and cure the Ebola virus infection is simple and inexpensive besides taking all preventive measures to come in contact. It is a precursor of a vaccine with production of auto-antibodies within the body of the infected patients. The therapy is called “auto urine therapy” (AUT). That is the infected person drinking his or her own urine.. Follow the guidelines below and call me if one needs further guidance.

As soon as the disease is suspected or diagnosed, before waiting for any therapy:

Start drinking all the urine that comes out the first day no matter what the condition of the patient is. If the patient is averse or has social stigma regarding this therapy, use a naso-gastric feeding tube to feed the urine. Collect the urine in a clean glass and feed the urine as soon as it is evacuated from the bladder through the urethra. Do not change the taste or save it to drink later.

The next day feed all the urine that comes out in the morning. Then feed in the afternoon and before going to bed. Follow the urine therapy with a drink of water.

The third day drink the urine all morning and drink the urine after mid afternoon

Fourth day drink the urine all morning. Then continue to drink urine in the morning for 11 more days and continue for one or more weeks. Morning urine drinking is necessary to get the benefits of AUT…

The Ebola virus particles as they are broken down in the body by the immune system are passed in the urine with other metabolic products including protein components, enzymes, and hormones. There are dozens of medicines we swallow to curtail and cure diseases which are extracted from urine. When you drink the urine, the broken down fragments of the Ebola virus pass through the intestines. The intestines are lined with B-lymphocytes (and lymphocytes producing lymph nodes called Peyers’ patches) which mature into antibody producing Plasma cells on the entire length of the gut wall (first line of immune defense). It is estimated that there are 180,000 immune antibody-producing white blood cells (Plasma cells) for every cubic millimeter of the wall. There are billions of these antibody synthesizing white blood cells in the wall of the gut. These plasma cells pick up the virus and their fragments, and synthesize antibodies against the Ebola virus. By the tenth day, billons of antibody particles are produced and circulating in the body, attaching to the Ebola viruses in the body, killing them, and clearing them from the body as you continue the AUT. Thus AUT cures the condition. It costs nothing and it is simple to adopt. Anyone can use the therapy whether in a village or in a hospital anywhere in the world. Starting therapy earlier can lead to decreased morbidity and mortality. It is only a theory and based on what I know about it, it will work.

*headdesk* You might as well pray or throw salt over your shoulder.

About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/billygutter01 billygutter01

    Wow.

    Disgusting and useless.

  • http://www.facebook.com/charlie.cain chuck c

    Do not change the taste or save it to drink later.

    Well, duh. It would lose all of its fresh uriney goodness.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    If it had some ur-ine,

    I’d drink it in the morning,

    I’d drink it in the eve-ning,

    All over this land.

    I’d drink out di-sease.

    I’d drink out E-bo-la.

    I’d drink out love between,

    My urine and me,

    All over this land.

  • HappyHead

    Um… if the person using this treatment has a urinary tract infection, praying and throwing salt over their shoulder would actually be better, since they’ll do nothing, where this treatment could potentially spread an infection from one body area to another.

  • rabbitscribe

    For once, the phrase “It’s only a theory” really does mean what the subject of a post here thinks it means: a worthless hunch based on no evidence whatsoever.

  • blf

    i assume — I don’t actually know — urine from an infected person showing symptoms is one vector of transmission? If so, then this “advice” is perhaps a good way of spreading the disease should someone who is infected (and showing symptoms) try it: There will be contaminated cups, washing-up (sinks, wastewater,…) and so on, as well as a probably not-isolated potential source.

  • DaveL

    If only there were some other way of exposing the immune system of ebola-infected patients to the ebola virus…

  • http://www.respectfulinsolence.net Orac
  • Sastra

    No, I do not read this and feel like banging my head on my desk. I read this and feel like smacking this Ayurvedic “healer.” Hard.

    This is evil. Either

    1.) Someone will follow this advice and not only spread the disease but cause even more pain and distress to someone who is already suffering from ebola. But not suffering enough, apparently.

    2.) Nobody will follow this advice but it will be waved triumphantly over the heads of victims and their families (and of course the general public) as something which WOULD work if only people were open-minded enough to try it … but, no, Western medicine is a hegemonic paradigm which brooks no dissent etc etc.

    Torture the victim or blame them. This advice is evil — and it matters not a whit that it’s probably given out of sincere good intentions.

  • Artor

    I knew a guy who “drank the Kool-Aid” urine pretty deeply. Supposedly it was for it’s amazing health benefits, but he somehow got a crippling case of gout, since none of those extra nitrates were able to make it out of the closed loop he created. He also would randomly pontificate about “nigger culture” and the damned Jews who ran Hollywood & the government, and faked the Holocaust for sympathy. He was one of the most spectacularly revolting beings I’ve ever met, and he couldn’t find his ass with both hands on a job site. I wonder if any of those features were related?

  • Artor

    And goddammit Modus! You owe me a new keyboard! Sell off a few of your internetz to pay for it. It’s not like you’re going to run out if you keep that up.

  • yubaraj boro

    Excellent !!!!!

    Such crony crooks need to be brought into limelight and exposed!!!!! Other than chest-thumping that “See, my aeons old religious medicine system did what modern medical science could not”, these people serve to accomplish nothing worthwhile.

    Meanwhile, in my country India, the motherland of such mystical woo-woo, such big claims are not just made simply, they are publicised and marketed in an “almost” mainstream way.

    With the new government , an ultra-right leaning woo-woo espousing one (the Health Minister said a few months back that the All India Institute of Medical Sciences, the finest medical institutes of my country , will introduce ayurveda, yunani, siddha, homeopathy etc thereby making even the card-carrying right wing doctors squirm), there are fraudulent babas and godmen who, with covert government support(in lieu of acquiring votes for them) have embarked upon stupidity and thuggery like never before.

    Please read this:

    http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/ramdev-claims-cure-for-ebola/article6502111.ece

    This guy, baba ramdev has an empire of fraudulent medicine (along with of course, yoga ) and this time, he claimed a “health pack” to cure Ebola. Later, when he came under criticism, he stated that he was not linked with the website which marketed the medicine in his name.

    But well, we know better who to believe in, as baba ramdev has till now, claimed to have discovered cure for

    1)cancer 2)AIDS 3)homosexuality as well.

    furthermore, he has on record said that he was able to extract gold from cow-dung.

    (a simple google search should help get mainstream links for all these divine claims)

    Once again, thanks Ed Brayton for the post.

  • http://wordsgood4598.wordpress.com/author/wordsgood4598/ wordsgood

    Good golly Miss Molly! That’s almost as brilliant as collecting a virgin’s menstral blood on the night of a full moon and making cookies out of it to cure The Stupid!

  • blf

    Wait a minute… full moon? I thought you had to do it precisely at midnight on the night of a new moon!

  • Phillip IV

    Well, I guess there is some potential benefit to it. The patient might still die of Ebola, but, after being force-fed their own urine for several days, they’ll probably mind it quite a bit less.

  • Subtract Hominem, a product of Nauseam

    This guy can’t possibly be serious. Surely he must be ….

    <dons sunglasses>

    taking the piss.

    YYYYYYEAHHH!

  • Phillip Hallam-Baker

    The penalty for making such claims should be to be locked in an Ebola treatment ward and forced to rely only on your own cure to fix the disease.

    In this particular case we don’t just have no evidence this would work, we have pretty solid knowledge of every Ebola case and know this has not been tried.

  • lorn

    I say we get all the people pushing this therapy, infect them with ebola, hook a NG tube to a catheter, and see what proportion survives. Given their confidence in the value of the therapy I’m sure they will all volunteer to show the power of Ayurvedic medicine. If during this test any beyond the expected proportion make it we can look into studying the process to find out why.

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