Greatest Court Filing Ever?

I wrote a couple weeks ago about the couple in Kansas who filed a motion to intervene as a defendant in the suit challenging that state’s ban on same-sex marriage because letting gay people get married would destroy their marriage. Now here’s an even better one in South Carolina. This court filing is so stupid that it’s hard to believe it wasn’t written by Larry Klayman. It begins:

DON BOYD, MUSICIAN AND PSALMIST, Anointed and Assigned as a Watchmen of the souls of the people errantly calling themselves lesbian and gay WOULD PURSUE DISMISSAL of what is in essence and in truth a RELIGIOUS matter couched of late as a secular deprivation of constitutional rights by the Gay Agenda (of said people errantly identifying and calling themselves lesbian and gay) apostate and rebellious from The Most High GOD and Creator LORD of all the Earth, covetous of the Portion of those marrying and given in marriage in this world, troubled and incited of that Wicked One Lucifer the Devil unto discontent with Divine Constraint their Portion and glorious Calling in this life unto Reward of the Next. [snip] Any ratifying of gay “marriage” would compel me to leave off worshipping THE LORD with music and psalms – free exercise of my religion – to assume the life of a protester and wedding crasher.

And it just gets weirder and weirder:

donboyd1

donboyd2

I’m sure it will be given all due consideration before being passed around to much laughter. Here’s the whole thing:

3:13-cv-02351 #83 by Equality Case Files

POPULAR AT PATHEOS Nonreligious
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Chiroptera

    …Anointed and Assigned as a Watchmen of the souls of the people errantly calling themselves lesbian and gay….

    Oh, he has an official position. This must be legit.

    This court filing is so stupid that it’s hard to believe it wasn’t written by Larry Klayman.

    Hee hee hee hee.

  • http://sotonohitoblogs.blogspot.com sotonohito

    I thought I was up on right wing religious terms, but apparently not. WTF is “portion envy”?

  • Pierce R. Butler

    … the original rebel Lucifer …

    Did he fly the Stars and Bars™ and yell “Yeehaw!” as he went to battle, or was he just another pretender?

  • reddiaperbaby1942

    Are those linguistic entities “sentences”? Palin pales in comparison.

  • dhall

    Too bad gawd doesn’t tell him to mind his own business. Too bad gawd doesn’t tell all of those clowns to mind their own business. But maybe the judge will. Sort of.

  • http://Reallyawakeguy.blogspot.com somnus

    He’s a “psalmist?”

    I’ve been reading the Bible, and blogging about its contents largely as a way to maintain enough interest to keep at it. As bad a read as it may be, Psalms is the only book where I have literally thrown up my hands and declared “screw it! I can’t read this drivel anymore! I’m skipping it, and maybe I’ll come back to it later.”

    If that book is any indication, “Psalmist” may possibly the most useless and bankrupt profession ever dreamed up. If this guy’s writing is any indication… yeah, no need to revise that position.

  • themadtapper

    That almost crosses out of the realm of “religious” and into the realm of “schizophrenic”. I’ve known, lived, and grown up with a lot of extremely religious nuts, but I’ve never seen anything quite like this. He even throws in some racism (beware the “black agenda”) and insinuation that LGBTs are terrorists (note the intentional capitalization of “crISIS”).

  • Sastra

    Not laughing. I am both assuming and hoping that this court filing is due to a sad case of insufficiently treated schizophrenia (or some other mental illness.) I’d hate to think that mere piety can cross the line quite this far.

  • matty1

    Maybe the court will order remedial English lessons.

  • Crimson Clupeidae

    Pierce Butler @3: No, Lucifer was ‘Red 4’, the X-wing pilot…..

  • D. C. Sessions

    DON BOYD, MUSICIAN AND PSALMIST, Anointed and Assigned as a Watchmen

    Woah! Dude! Really? One of the Watchmen?

    I kinda doubt that he’s Dr. Manhattan, but this filing sorta suggests the Comedian!

    Awesome!

  • dugglebogey

    Is there some link between delusional behavior and random capitalization?

  • http://www.clanfield.net janiceintoronto

    Betcha they own guns. That’s a pretty scary thought…

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Don’t laugh. If he was incorporated he’d have a chance.

  • John Pieret

    Gomorrahites? Is that the next thing to panic about after Ebola?

    If it were closer to April First, I’d be tempted to think it was one of the law clerks having his/her compatriots on but I’m afraid Sastra is probably closer to the mark.

  • cactuswren

    And somewhere a judge is frantically leafing through a stack of legal tomes, searching for the legal-Latin for “Plaintiff is batshit”.

  • moarscienceplz

    Anointed and Assigned as a Watchmen of the souls of the people errantly calling themselves lesbian and gay

    I don’t call myself lesbian and gay. Does this mean my soul doesn’t have a “Watchmen”? Does it at least have a part-time mall cop?

  • Numenaster

    I believe it’s “non compos mentis.”

  • Al Dente

    Who “Anointed and Assigned” this guy “as a Watchmen [sic] of the souls of the people errantly calling themselves lesbian and gay”?

  • John Pieret

    Al Dente:

    Who “Anointed and Assigned” this guy “as a Watchmen [sic] of the souls of the people errantly calling themselves lesbian and gay”?

    As Numenaster said, it was that great ancient Roman jurist, Noncompos Mentis.

  • comfychair

    Or maybe a ‘Thought Leader’ of some flavor or another.

  • moarscienceplz

    As Numenaster said, it was that great ancient Roman jurist, Noncompos Mentis.

    I always preferred his brother, Dietcokeand Mentos.

  • Broken Things

    Gomorrahites? Is that the next thing to panic about after Ebola?

    Gomorrahan mites. Like nano Gomorrahans.

  • sezme

    Awrite my fellow Sodamites, I have a confession to make. I have Portion-Envy. In fact, I have a large Portion of Portion-Envy. My large Portion of Portion-Envy is Enviable…. well, ok, Largely Enviable.

  • Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    I believe it’s “non compos mentis.”

    I’d say this is closer to “compost mentis”.

  • Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Who “Anointed and Assigned” this guy “as a Watchmen [sic] of the souls of the people errantly calling themselves lesbian and gay”?

    I kinda assumed he was oiling himself up before watching gay men and lesbians.

  • dingojack

    Ah Don – it’s not the size of the portion, it’s what you do with it!

    Dingo

    ———

    And since you’re a (self) appointed voyeur (I beg your pardon) ‘Watchmen’* of gays and lesbians it takes little imagination to guess what you’ve been doing to your portion. (You naughty boy, don’t you know your god’s an even more prurient , and vindictive, voyeur?)

    * Do ‘Watchmen’ call themselves ‘Legion’, I wonder?

  • caseloweraz

    This guy’s stuff reads like he’s channeling the Emperor Norton — badly. Emperor Norton was a lovable eccentric whose funeral was attended by some 15,000 people. This guy Boyd: not so lovable.