O’Reilly: I Won the War on Christmas

Bill O’Reilly, always eager to cast himself as a brave hero, has declared himself the winner of a war that never existed. He says he single-handedly won the War on Christmas that he invented out of thin air, just like America beat Albania in the movie Wag the Dog.

He then went on Seth Meyers’ show and said it again:

“I won the ‘War on Christmas!'” he said. “I’ve been doing this for about 10 years and this is the only year we have not had a store that commanded its employees not to say ‘Merry Christmas.'”

“It’s over, we won,” he proclaimed.

Tell it to the Satanist display, Bill.

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  • John Pieret

    Gee, BillO, then why does the AFA still have its “Naughty or Nice” list of businesses? Haven’t all the troops gotten your memo?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Who can forget that iconic photo of O’Reilly raising the Christmas tree on Iwo Jima?

  • davefitz

    Does this mean that Fox News will STFU about this…forever and ever..amen? Because, they won, afterall.

  • lordshipmayhem

    Pictures of Santa handing his sword to O’Reilly, or it never happened.

  • busterggi

    Every synagoge will be celebrating midnight mass this year!

  • raven

    Don’t forget!!!

    The War on Easter is coming up.

    Fundies don’t have holidays. They have Wars on Holidays.

  • D. C. Sessions

    I noticed that this year. In not one single store I’ve been to has anyone said “Happy Holidays.” Not one. The only conclusion I could reach was that the Christmas Warriors had terrified the management in every place from Ace Hardware through Kroger all the way to Wal-Mart and convinced them to never, ever, under any circumstances risk Bill O’Reilly’s wrath by saying “Happy Holidays.” To this date, not once have I heard those words from a retail employee.

    It was a remarakable thing, right around Thanksgiving every place I went I got the same greeting, word for word: “Have a nice one.”

  • http://dharmaubuntu.wordpress.com/ Aspect Sign

    I would just like to say I have won the war against Chinese new year, as evidenced by the fact it will once again be celebrated this year throughout china, southeast Asia and in Chinese communities worldwide. It often felt like I was fighting this war alone I must say as neither my opposition nor my allies ever showed up but I persevered alone and won the war!

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    D. C. Sessions “It was a remarakable thing, right around Thanksgiving every place I went I got the same greeting, word for word: ‘Have a nice one.'”

    Was Thanksgiving earlier than normal? Was everybody wearing puffy jackets? Did they call winter hats “toques”? Did the staff ask “Can I help you oot?”? In short, are you secretly Canadian? Please answer “Yes” or “No”, sir!*

     

    * Transcript from the House Committee on Too-Canadian Activities, 1948.

  • Sastra

    “I won the ‘War on Christmas!’” he said. “I’ve been doing this for about 10 years and this is the only year we have not had a store that commanded its employees not to say ‘Merry Christmas.’”

    Oh, you delightful fool. Don’t you realize that you’ve been working at cross purposes? Making Christmas an American holiday and having “Merry Christmas!” become the all-purpose national greeting is the OPPOSITE of “Keep the Christ in Christmas.”

    It’s one or the other. Either Christmas is a sectarian, obviously religious observance like Rosh HaShana or Ramadan — held only in churches and mosques and temples and private homes and therefore obscure and little remarked by the population at large — or it is secular, a holiday for everyone regardless of what they believe! Pick a horse and ride it, mister.

    Oh, look. Bill O’Reilly is helping us secularize Christmas! WalMart ecumenicism with a vengeance. When Jews say it to Hindus and atheists say it to Buddhists and pagans say it to Christians then it’s pretty freaking obvious that Jesus is not the Reason for the Season. Did you think all the nonchristians were going to convert? No. Did you think they would be humbled and grateful to be living in someone else’s country? No. If it wasn’t already a holiday cobbled together from many traditions, your continued insistence on everyone in public schools and government celebrating a ‘Merry Christmas’ has ensured that it damn well is now.

    Goose. Be careful what you wish for. Looks like Santa Claus, the jolly ol’ pagan elf, has just brought you a great big present of Pyrrhic Victory. Merry Christmas!

    And ho ho ho.

  • hexidecima

    seems like ol’ Bill declares victory just like Duh-bya did. And for just as much reason too!

  • John Pieret

    Well, maybe BillO has won after all … at least if you consider this:

    City Councilor Bud Williams said he wasn’t engaging in religious triumphalism when he uttered “Jesus is the reason for the season” at Tuesday afternoon’s Hanukkah menorah-lighting ceremony in Springfield [Massachusetts].

    http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2014/12/springfield_city_councilor_bud_7.html

  • magistramarla

    Here in Texas, every cashier tells me “Merry Christmas” as they hand me my purchase (usually pursing their lips at my reusable bag), and I always respond with a cheery “Happy Holidays!” and watch them gape as I walk away.

  • Al Dente

    Next up, keeping the Thor in Thursday.

  • dingojack

    Sure it’s not just a flesh-wound, Billo?

    Dingo

  • thebookofdave

    Old culture warriors never die. They just get stuffed back in the crate to collect dust in the attic, until it’s time to hang them back up next season.

  • mfuller

    #2 It’s not Iwo Jima, but it’s the closest thing I could find.

    http://thegops.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/xmasquagmire.jpg

  • throwaway, never proofreads, every post a gamble

    magistramarla @13

    Here in Texas, every cashier tells me “Merry Christmas” as they hand me my purchase (usually pursing their lips at my reusable bag), and I always respond with a cheery “Happy Holidays!” and watch them gape as I walk away.

    I’m going to go with “Happy Hannukah” the next Merry Christmas I get from a stranger. What presumptuous asses Christians are. I think they need that shock, that realization that there are others beside themselves who may not be like them.. and that’s what BillO’s “war on christmas” is all about: enforcing conformity to cater to the majority. That’s their one true issue. It’s not about the freedom of the worker. It’s not about being PC. It’s about making them feel all warm and fuzzy that they’re in control.

  • John Horstman

    Don’t tell Bill: my state school has “Happy Holidays” and “Have a Nice Break” posters up all over the place.

  • Georgia Sam

    Sorry to disappoint you, Billy, but I’ve heard at least 5 people say “happy holidays” in the past couple of days. It seems there are still a few pockets of resistance that remain to be stamped out.

  • raven

    All my year end cards have Happy Holidays on them. I couldn’t send out a sappy Xmas card and sleep at night.

    I do have some that say Season’s Greetings though with a picture of a snowperson on them.

  • magistramarla

    Raven,

    My friend from the Freethinker’s group gave me the perfect card. It has the message “Season’s Greetings” on the inside.

    On the outside is a line-up of three adorable kittens wearing Santa hats. It’s sitting on the mantle next to the vase of red roses that the hubby gave me a few days ago when he realized that he was in the doghouse.

  • latveriandiplomat

    Given the way that previous “losers” of American wars have been treated, I fully expect “Happy Holidays” to be added to numerous state flags a la the Confederate flag, numerous retail clerks convicted of excessive secularism to be given prominent positions in the US space program, and Halliburton awarded billion dollar contracts to redecorate America’s malls with shoddy materials and substandard workmanship.

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist
  • dingojack

    The next exciting episode is entitled —

    “Billo wins the War on Sadie Hawkins’ day” … @@

    Dingo

    ———

    magistramarla – see, chaos on a biblical scale! Cats and Dog(houses) living together! :)

  • dshetty

    Fat guy in a red suit beats everyone as far as I know – even most atheists get along with this guy

  • Matt G

    Notice how he uses the word “commanded” instead of told, asked, instructed, etc.

  • =8)-DX

    In the war on Christmas there are only losers… who get drunk and knock over the tree and say laugh at rude jokes with grandma.

  • generalfactotum

    Pshaw! Everyone knows that Stephen Colbert won the War on Christmas. I saw with my own eyes how he ascended into the heavens with Santa himself, his work completed. In your face, Bill-o!

  • destry

    Maybe I’m wrong but according to the data, he lost. I thought that his side was that Religious Christmas symbols should be used instead of secular and non-Christian symbols. And our position is that they should not be displayed or, if they are, then you must permit other traditions to be displayed too.

    So 44% say Christian symbols should be permitted on Government property and 48% say that none or multiple religions. Seems like that would be loss for Bill.

    http://l.yimg.com/os/publish-images/news/2014-12-18/b8c7a1b0-86de-11e4-8bc2-979faadb888b_PR_14-12-15_Christmas-01.png

  • shadowwalkyr

    I don’t get it. The War on Christmas is a major source of revenue for him.