Ask Not What God Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For God

Janet Porter thinks people are selfish for always asking God to help them but they never ask him what they can do to make his day just a little better. Let me emphasize that this not an Onion article. I repeat, not an Onion article. She’s actually serious.

We go through life thinking its all about us. How we feel. What we want. How our day is going. What we don’t have yet.

But, did you ever once stop to ask God, “How is your day?” “How do you feel?” “How can I make it better?”

Spend today thinking about how God feels with all that’s going on and what we can do to make it better for Him? How can we love Him better? What love language most reaches God? Words of affirmation? Quality time? Gifts? Service? Touch? How do we even touch a God we can’t see? I think we do that in worship. But ask God what He thinks.

My challenge to you today is to seek the heart of God and to love Him fully. Because, after all, it’s all about Him.

I’m all for that. From now on, I will “seek the heart of God.” Bring me the heart of God, I order you all! Bring it to me!

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  • http://atheist-faq.com Jasper of Maine

    Obligatory “What does God need with a Starship?”

  • eric

    Spend today thinking about how God feels with all that’s going on

    “Muhahahahahaha!!!!”

    and what we can do to make it better for Him?

    Sacrifice our first born sons? Stone sinners? Slaughter some Midianites? There are so many bloodthirsty ways to make God happy, it is hard to choose.

    But lets stay with the happy-Jesus messages I know you will prefer. I got one for ya, Janet. Matt 19:21 (KJV): “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.” Hear that? Sell all your possessions. ALL. I suggest you start by selling your computer and internet access. That will not only make God happy, but the rest of us too.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Some of us already try to make things better for Him. Since Jesus is the reason for the season, every Christmas I set out milk and cookies for Him, but that bastard Santa eats them. Then he leaves me socks.

    I’ll get you for this, Santa Claus!

  • sabrekgb

    Because, after all, it’s all about Him.

    This, right here, is the summation of what is wrong with a worship-centered religion. It’s all about…a god. A being we don’t actually have proof for. That is the right and just center of all concern in such an ideology. This is a problem because it is wrong… In reality, it’s all about us. Persons who inarguably exist, suffer, want, interact with each other, and must operate in the real world under sometimes insurmountable hardships and constraints. Asserting that everything is really about your god diverts both tangible resources away from the solving of real peoples’ problems, and, perhaps worse, tries to reframe actual suffering as less important than worship of a being that, even if we grant its existence, has the power to fix everything (both it’s own bad day, and the terminal suffering of every human). It is a very deep and universal sort of self (and other) deprecating mindset.

    Care about the real persons must come first in any truly ethical system.

  • Loqi

    Spend today thinking about how God feels with all that’s going on…

    “All these unfortunate events over which I have no control are really making me feel powerless and depressed.”

    How can we love Him better?

    Practice blowjobs. Kind of awkward for male Christians, really. But alas, being bludgeoned to death with rocks is the price one must pay.

    Gifts?

    You know what’s the worst? Having someone re-gift you the handmade gift you made for them.

  • Sastra

    This is language and advice which sounds like it’s addressing children. Stop asking your mother for all those things you want. She works so hard.. Why not come up with ways to brighten her day? Maybe you can make your own bed, or bring her some flowers, or just thank her with a hug.

    Sheesh. This is what happens when the God-as-mystery-beyond-mysteries side/pretense is dropped and we really try to make our relationship with God a major part of our daily life.

    Bill Maher gave a talk to an atheist convention and had us rolling in the aisles. For the most part, all he did was read from Rick Warren’s bestselling A Purpose-Driven Life. The passage he selected was filled with this same sort of homily balderdash bromide re hurting God’s feelings and God being in the dumps because his beloved children aren’t grateful enough or whatever. It all strikes me not just as maudlin and ludicrous, but probably skillfully aimed at a target audience of middle-aged parents of teenagers.

  • http://www.clanfield.net janiceintoronto

    So, bring god a heart, a human heart. With mayo on the side.

  • wreck

    Porter: “How is your day?”

    God: “Feels like it will never end.”

  • caseloweraz

    Janet Porter: Spend today thinking about how God feels with all that’s going on and what we can do to make it better for Him?

    Good idea. [Thinks, picks up phone, dials.]

    So, God, how is your day going?

    [silence]

    That bad, eh? I bet that Todd Starnes fellow’s praise of American Sniper‘s got you down. Tell you what: Why don’t you smite a few Jihadis yourself? It’ll make you feel a whole lot better.

    [silence]

    Jihadis. They’re Muslims who take up violent methods. From the Middle East. That’s next to Egypt…

    (h/t to Bob Newhart for the method)

  • rationalinks

    Animal sacrifices….don’t even think about fruits and vegetables or god will straight up contract murder your ass.

  • Larry

    People are always asking god to let their favorite sports team win but nobody ever asks god if, maybe, s/he’d like to play. It’s got to be quite dishearting always having to guide that field goal kick through the goal posts but never, ever have the chance to make the kick Himself. Yeah, he can be a little clumsy at times, maybe a bit forgetful, and that smiting can be a bit tough, but its worth it if you wanna get to the superbowl every year.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    But, did you ever once stop to ask God, “How is your day?” “How do you feel?” “How can I make it better?”

    Strangely, every time christians ask that, god seems to want money.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    BTW, someone obviously was smoking a bowlful, listening to that stupid Joan Osborne “what if god was one of us” song.

  • John Pieret

    Now, there’s a poser …

    … just what can you get an omnipotent, omniscient, eternal being that he/she/it doesn’t already have? I bet that would even give Martha Stewart pause!

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    I’ve got something that Porter’s God needs and doesn’t have: A moral compass. You know, respect life; don’t screw with people just because you can; don’t throw tantrums because things do go exactly your way. In other words, more maturity than a 2yo.

  • kagekiri

    Because, after all, it’s all about Him.

    Ew.

    I remember believing this shit to my fucking core, so hearing Christians talk about how everything is about God still makes me feel ill. That is some serious poison.

    Yup, God-ordered genocide is okay, because it’s all about him. Killing children or raping them or enslaving them is okay when he says it is, because it’s all about him.

    All the horrors experienced by man throughout history are somehow not God’s responsibilities, even when he FUCKING claims them as his actions in the Bible, and has many stories where he EXPLICITLY abets the fucking Devil or foreign “heathens” in killing his followers for the “crimes” of their forefathers (or for his personal pleasure, like the case of Job). We deserved it, we were asking for it, why didn’t we just listen to him.

    God: victim-blaming, authoritarian monster.

    Fucking hell, God is “sovereign”, as in, everything that happens is his plan, so even non-specifically claimed horrors are on his fucking imaginary head. When you’re claiming God is all powerful and all knowing, excuses for horrible things happening no longer work.

    Well, okay, the excuses they work at first, but mostly also because they tell you how horrible and unworthy of love us humans are, and the whole “mysterious ways” gambit of obfuscation.

    The Bible is a fucking pick-up artist pamphlet, negging you and trying to make you feel unworthy via the idea of original sin and thought crimes, before trying to capitalize on your lowered self esteem. “God loves you despite how shitty you obviously are! Now are you gonna have sex with him, or what?”

    God: the ultimate PUA piece of shit.

    Or Christians try to give God credit for all the good stuff in life, and say how he only respects our free will so much, which is why he lets us suffer on earth and never contacts us directly in ways indistinguishable from delusions or the rants of his most terrible followers. Why can’t you selfish humans stop whining about your silly problems and see how great God is to you, even though he literally never talks to you? Stop friend-zoning God!

    God: silent, seething, Nice Guy MRA who wonders why you like douchebags, and maybe he’ll have his vengeance and fuck you up for neglecting him.

  • lofgren

    I keep asking God how his day went, and he just says “Fine.” So I ask him what he did and he says, “Stuff.” Then I ask if he learned anything interesting today and he says, “I dunno. I guess.”

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Bring me the heart of God, I order you all!

    Yessuh! Rare, medium, or well-done?

  • lorn

    What we need here is a gift buying guide written by a person trained and experienced in providing a lift for hypothetical, all-knowing, all-powerful beings.

    Lacking any competition for such a person can I set myself up as the resident expert? Perhaps a web site “Gifts Ideas for Gods” where I can, for a nominal fee, make suggestions of what might lighten the heart of a deity. Would it be wrong to suggest that they purchase said gifts from a completely unrelated business “Gifts for God”?

    Of course once you have the idea, and the gift how are you going to get the gift to the God? This is the really great part because last I checked no other delivery service can handle this job. Enter another completely unrelated service: “God’s Gofer”. They promise to, for another nominal fee, by semi-supernatural means (deleting the product from the delivery queue and adding it to in-stock listing at “Gifts for Gods”) deliver your gift to the deity of your choice.

    I figure each of these three completely unrelated businesses, which coincidentally share the same office and server, might each, individually, get hold of Huckabee’s mailing list and drum up some business.

    Of course, none of this is exactly new. Priests have long offered to suggest gifts, offer a place to buy them, and deliver the offering. I just tune it up a bit by removing the spirituality and specificity as to which God, or Gods, you wish to send gifts to. We will be glad to, for a nominal fee, to suggest, provide and deliver gifts to Jesus, Satan, the FSM (in all its noodly goodness), Gia or the black hole at the center of the galaxy. For us, all three completely unrelated services, it is just a job … and profit.

  • thebookofdave

    Strangely, every time christians ask that, god seems to want money.

    Fine by me, Marcus. I’ll tip him for his service. He can show up in person anytime to collect.

  • howardhershey

    This is God: I want blind obsequiousness. You know you’ll love it. You know, fifty shades of grey, black leather, and chains without a safe word. Lick my boots, maggot. And, BTW, a tithe of your worldly goods for my minions who are providing you this wonderful opportunity.

  • bones

    Fundamentalism is a race to become the biggest asskisser of the lot.

  • Kermit Sansoo

    eric: But lets stay with the happy-Jesus messages I know you will prefer. I got one for ya, Janet. Matt 19:21 (KJV): “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.” Hear that? Sell all your possessions. ALL.

    .

    No, no, no. Jesus didn’t mean that literally. “All” is a metaphor for …well, some. As much as you can give. Unless, you know, it’s inconvenient.

    .

    Now, the story of Noah’s Ark – that was literal.