Glenn Beck Will Make Your Daughter Beautiful. Because God.

In addition to being one of the most ridiculous players on the political stage in America, Glenn Beck is also a fashion designer (or at least employs them). He has a clothing company pretentiously named 1791 (because the connection between blue jeans and the signing of the Bill of Rights is so important). And now on Facebook he says he can make your teen daughter beautiful, as is her God-given right. And he just can’t help but be as dramatic and self-aggrandizing as he can be in the process.

Today I make good on a decade old promise to myself and my daughters.

Years ago when my oldest daughters were teenagers I would take them to the mall to buy new clothes…

But my trouble was not only that, mine stems from the fact that while growing up my daughter was a dress size SMALLER than America’s most famous model and sex symbol Marilyn Monroe.

God forbid a designer makes anything cool that would fit her! Most American women are shaped like Norma Jean not the 12 year old boy shaped models covering the walls of the ‘cool stores’.

As I wiped the quiet and hidden tears away store after store as she was told, “oh, no, it doesn’t come in that size.” I made myself a promise.

I wasn’t famous or rich at the time, but I vowed if I ever had a chance I would start a fashion line that was cool, hip, and great quality that would come in sizes that would fit my Marilyn.

Yeah, I’m sure that’s exactly how it happened. Fighting back tears, he dropped to his knees and pledged to Almighty God that he would one day bring justice to the fashion industry, probably with dramatic music playing in the background.

Today I make good on that promise. 1791 is proud to announce our new line of women’s Denim. We begin with denim jacket and jeans.

They were designed for and tested on all the girls in my life. It has taken us almost two years to get the design just right.

I am proud that finally I can rest knowing any dad who feels the way I do about the most beautiful girl ever born, my daughter, will be able to feel that way when she slips into her favorite jeans, blouse and jacket.

My wife who is a little more like the current runway models and my daughter who is more classic both can wear and love their new 1791s.

I kind of think it is one of those fundamental God given rights. To feel pretty.

Because you are.

Can’t you hear the hosannas and hallelujahs ringing out from all those teenage girls who now, thanks to Glenn Beck, have the God-given right to spend $150 on a pair of jeans? Yep, that’s the starting price on a pair of jeans. I mean, they’re blessed by Glenn Beck and all, and that has to help their value, but still more than a bit pricey.

Just when you think Beck can’t be more of a shallow buffoon, he proves you wrong.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • John Pieret

    Heh!

    I love this:

    http://www.1791.com/the-lincoln-axe/

    1791 has made a special edition axe to commemorate one of our favorite presidents. The A.L. encrusted axe, sharpened by an experienced hand, has been drop forged for strength and toughness. It was created with fine grit abrasives and leather, by hard working individuals who poured their experience, sweat and pride into their work.

    Remember, life is only what you make of it. So make something great.

    So get your 1791 axe so you can be like Abe Lincoln when you go out with your god-approved pretty women!

  • Al Dente

    Levi’s 505 jeans for women are only $45. JC Penny has Lee’s womens’ jeans on sale for $19.99.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    I wonder if those jeans are made in America.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    That’s actually a really fine-looking axe. Like most axes nowadays it’s probably made in Pakistan or China.

  • raven

    Affinity group scam from a serial hustler.

    I doubt if his clueless followers have $150 to spend on a pair of jeans. And don’t care if they waste their money.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Pants for women? Now I’ve seen everything!

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    @modus #6, cross-dressing’s OK as long as you’re sexually objectifying them.

  • Michael Heath

    Ed reports:

    . . . $150 on a pair of jeans? Yep, that’s the starting price on a pair of jeans.

    How much extra for the pair with the Mormon magic underwear sewed-in? Can you custom order ’em with titanium chastity belts?

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    Well, that’s one way to make up for years of shitty parenting, I suppose.

  • Tony! The Queer Shoop

    Why would anyone draw a connection between 1791, the Bill of Right, and American Indians?

    http://shop.1791.com/Product.aspx?cp=50107_52787&view_in=Mobile&pc=BXCT174

    Yeah great idea! Lets offer a shirt that serves to remind people how American Indians were treated in 1791. Im surprised Beck didnt name the shirt ‘Ode to the white mans colonialism’ or ‘Aint genocide grand?’

  • karmacat

    I just can’t see Beck going to go with his daughters to the mall. Actually, I can’t see his daughters wanting to go to the mall with their father.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    … while growing up my daughter was a dress size SMALLER than … Marilyn Monroe.

    A teenager was measurably smaller than an adult woman??!?

    What the hell kind of sin did her father commit to make that happen?

    And why was Beck trying to dress a girl up like a notorious slut, anyway?

  • Al Dente

    According to the Today I Found Out website:

    Marilyn Monroe at times would have her dresses so tight they’d have to be sown onto her, so something more comfortable in a size 4-ish (American) and something like an 8 in the U.K. is probably more accurate with most brands

  • ebotebo

    Fuck Beck!!

  • thebookofdave

    He has a clothing company pretentiously named 1791 (because the connection between blue jeans and the signing of the Bill of Rights is so important)

    Does any of his clothing line commemorate individual enumerated rights? I know most of his customers would wear 2nd Amendment jeans without question, but I feel more comfortable having my daughter covered by Amendment #3.

  • felidae

    I think it is safe to assume from his description that his daughters are a little wide in the beam–he could use the slogan–Designed with the behind in mind

  • sugarfrosted

    @3

    I wonder if those jeans are made in America.

    According to the site they are, but I suspect it’s in a sweatshop that’s technically in America. Unlike American Apparel they don’t even claim it’s sweatshop free.

  • Nemo

    He does have a point about the sizes.

  • busterggi

    G’wan if those are real Beck jeans they should have gold ingots sown into them to support his sponsor.

  • lorn

    GB – “I kind of think it is one of those fundamental God given rights. To feel pretty.”

    Oh Glen … take a lesson from a master manipulator. All she needs is “a respectable Republican cloth coat”. And reassurance – “I always tell her that she’d look good in anything”.

    Then again, generic jeans re-branded and sold for $150 is a good option. If she can’t feel good about herself because her father is Glen Beck, at least she can grow up rich and entitled knowing that you made your money the old fashioned way, serving as minion and counterpoint to those with real money, and fleecing the little people.