Ted Cruz is Running for President for Jesus

He may be the only Republican officially in the race, but Ted Cruz is already putting out campaign commercials that look like they were produced by the people who made God’s Not Dead. The first one is a rather baffling ad that implies that he’s running for president because Jesus gave him a daddy. Or something.

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  • daved

    I watched the ad. Then I watched it again. It didn’t make any more sense the second time. I looked up Cruz in Wikipedia to try to find out how it was that Jesus held Cruz’s wingnut father hostage and forced him to stay with Cruz’s mother (which is the only interpretation I’ve been able to come up with for the first few sentences of the ad). No luck there either.

    The rest of it is several grammatically-correct, but content-free, sentences about American exceptionalism and how God’s on our side. I think. Boy, if all his ads are like this, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them garnering him a lot of support.

  • Mr Ed

    I think Ted is running for vice president. Who ever gets the nomination will have to appeal to the center their vice president can acts as conservative surrogate.

  • blf

    [Ted Cruz] may be the only Republican officially in the race…

    Apropos of nothing, another eejit is now karting about in the kandidate klown kar, Rand Paul announces presidential bid with promises of ‘liberty and limited government’: “The US senator from Kentucky is the second declared Republican candidate in what is expected to be a crowded 2016 field”.

  • Trebuchet

    Holy crap! Very holy. And as I type, Rand Paul is taking the stage to announce his candidacy. That’ll be just plain ordinary crap.

  • jamesramsey

    Nehemiah Scudder?

  • John Pieret


    He’s four years late … but maybe Future History is no better than past history.

  • tbp1
  • grumpyoldfart

    One day someone like him will be the president. Then what?

  • raven

    One day someone like him will be the president. Then what?

    Wondered that myself as my blood ran cold and my body temperature dropped 20 degrees.

    I’d leave. Mentally that is. Just turn my computer to sites with no news and try to figure out where the fallout patterns are.

    Cruz is one of the GOP War with Iran warmongers.

    The big debate in nonwingnut nonfundie xian circles is whether Cruz is crazy or just pretending to be crazy.

  • colnago80

    Re raven @ #9

    I still think that Cruz is pretending to be crazy as a means of preventing the real crazies like Rick Santorum from entering the race. The idea is to have the crazy field all to himself while the non-crazies (if any) divide up the non-crazy vote, in an attempt to duplicate the success of George McGovern in 1972.

  • blf

    One day someone like him will be the president. Then what?

    Cheney ][, hand-cranked hurdy-gurdy 2: Another couple of pointless staggeringly expensive wars, another depression (probably with deflation), increasing GHG emissions, more gutting of the social safety net, complete gutting of environmental protection and civil rights, corporations will receive knighthoods and enhanced- / “super”-voting rights, FEMA will actually build those camps, and all TVs must be continuously on, tuned to Faux, to hear the daily pronouncements from Kochroach Bros.

    Only approved-church approved candidates can appear on ballets, and failing to vote, or not voting for all of the pre-selected candidates is an invitation to visit a FEMA camp. Weirdly, there is no mandatory church attendance, albeit it is required to attend the stoning of all local gays, atheists, people with the wrong color skin or who sneezed during the sermon, parents who didn’t volunteer their children for extra Sunday school (private lessons with the priests), and those who fail to attend zero or more stonings.

    However, the attempt to restore chattel slavery failed due to a technicality (Faux & Kochroach Bros. claims sabotage by gay liberal commie atheist sharia-law stooges), and, rather inexplicably, not all schools are closed. The libraries, however, have been burnt by the police. The police, of course, are now a minor part of the all-conscript army, and referred to in the samizdat as “albatrosses” (believed to refer to the banned term “goons” via “gooney birds”).

  • lorn

    Contemplating the history of the presidency it registers that the last really good Republican president was Eisenhower. Nixon had some good points, he proposed national healthcare, he pushed the expansion of the social safety net, opened diplomatic relations with China, and, overlooking four years of diddling around looking for a nice way to leave while thousands died in Vietnam, he did eventually pull out. The dirty tricks, enemies list, pardoning gangsters for money, and generally being a vindictive crook tends to muddy the image a bit.

    Irony is that Nixon would be far too liberal to make it onto the Republican ticket and Eisenhower would be far too liberal to make it onto even the Democratic ticket.

    IMO Nixon was the first president of the 20th century to need political office so badly that they would resort to ‘any means necessary’ to get and stay there. The American people were shocked. After a few years they warmed to the idea. We really got comfortable with the duplicity when we elected a B-grade actor and have continued to explore the depths of how low the bar can be set in a game of political Limbo. How low can we go. When we elected a hollowed out patrician and his frat boy son the trend was clear. An unreconstructed evangelical tent preacher and political faith healer is not that much lower.

    Sometimes the progression suggests a certain perverse logic. As if a group of very wealthy and influential people decided to see what they could do if all the levers of power were applied in one direction, and then in the other. Like over fine brandy and cigars one turned to the other and said ‘I know, we take the absolute worse of the wealthy families and make them leaders. Let’s see if we can get your crack smoking second cousin into high office. Wouldn’t that be a blast? What a great way to discredit the idea of good government and democracy’.

  • felidae

    So, Teddy was conceived in sinful act of premarital sex–how does that reflect on his claim of sainthood? Best I can figure, the message of the ad is: pray for me because I don’t have a prayer of elected president

  • Nick Gotts


    Yes, I’ve seen Nixon described, not wholly facetiously, as the USA’s last liberal president. In addition to the items you mention, he also signed a highly-significant arms control treaty with the USSR (SALT I), took the USA off the gold standard*, remarked that “We’re all Keynesians now”, and was in favour of gun control:

    “I don’t know why any individual should have a right to have a revolver in his house,” Nixon said in a taped conversation with aides. “The kids usually kill themselves with it and so forth.” He asked why “can’t we go after handguns, period?”

    Nixon went on: “I know the rifle association will be against it, the gun makers will be against it.” But “people should not have handguns.”

    Few American liberals today will take (or at least admit to taking) such a clear anti-gun position. Admittedly, Nixon didn’t take it publicly.

    *By unilaterally abolishing the convertibility of the dollar into gold. This signalled the end of the Bretton-Woods system, although it was already under strain. The results are still debated. Whether it counts as a “liberal” measure is perhaps dubious but support for the gold standard mostly comes from the right.

  • colnago80

    Re lorn @ #12

    Well, Eisenhower’s successor left office feet first, his successor left office one step ahead of a lynch mob, his successor left office one step ahead of the sheriff, his successor was voted out of office, his successor was voted out of office, his successor barely made it to the finish line, his successor was voted out of office, his successor came measurably close to getting the boot from Congress. Not an impressive record.

  • EnlightenmentLiberal

    @Nick Gotts

    Don’t forget other good stuff. IIRC, Nixon also created the Environmental Protection Agency, and proposed and argued for a Clean Water Act (despite an interesting turn of events where he vetoed half of it or something). Nixon has done more for the environment than any president in quite a while, or at least he’s very high on the list.

    Nixon was also batshit insane, but he had some good things to him.

  • dingojack

    “They shouldn’t have impeached him [Nixon], they should have got Teddy Kennedy to give him a lift home”.

    :) Dingo


    EL – you forgot Universal Healthcare

  • EnlightenmentLiberal