Nation’s Dumbest Evangelist Offers Every Conspiracy At Once

Josh Feuerstein, the dumbest evangelist in the country (and imagine the competition for that title), put up one of his usual pointlessly shouty videos on Facebook where he combines every conspiracy theory all at once to argue that the government is getting ready to round up Christians and kill them. It’s all there – Obama is a Muslim, he’s on the side of the terrorists, Jade Helm, the government has ordered 30,000 guillotines, FEMA camps.

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Is the GOVERNMENT SECRETLY preparing AND PLOTTING to KILL CHRISTIANS??? You decide. Wake up.

Posted by Joshua Feuerstein on Sunday, April 26, 2015

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  • themadtapper

    the government has ordered 30,000 guillotines

    If the government was going to bring back a disused form of execution, why would they not just go for the much simpler and cheaper firing squad? Or if we’re going to insist that it’s beheadings, why not machetes like Muslim terrorists usually use? And where exactly would someone even order guillotines from? Not exactly something there’s a big market for. Or even a niche market for, for that matter. And besides, since this is all being perpetrated by gay Nazis, wouldn’t it make more sense to just put gas chambers in all the FEMA camps?

  • Chiroptera

    Did you cut off the quote? I think it was supposed to end, “Wake up, sheeple!”

  • eric

    What the hell is Jade Helm?

    And did he go after fluoridation and chemtrails? No omnibus conspiracy theory can be complete without them.

  • ArtK


    Jade Helm is a planned special ops training drill. The conspiracy theorists have been eating this one up. In part because there were a few Walmart stores closed for somewhat bogus reasons (“plumbing problems”) and there’s some weak correlation between their locations and areas involved in Jade Helm. Naturally, this means that the gum’int is gonna round people up and use the Walmarts as staging areas.

  • Mr Ed

    I’d like to make a witty comment but I think we are quickly reaching the point where Poe’s Law breaks down. Any parody of these screeds by a rational person would be obviously a parody for the lingering traces of rationality.

  • raven

    And did he go after fluoridation and chemtrails? No omnibus conspiracy theory can be complete without them.

    He left out satan and the demons. Also the Space Reptiles. No UN Agenda 21.

    For a kook, this is not even up to Alex Jones/Glenn Beck standards.

  • Deacon Duncan

    Oh, I get it now. “You decide” is a secret code phrase meaning “Abandon any connection with reality, and just believe whatever you want.”

  • Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    @themadtapper, #1:

    And where exactly would someone even order guillotines from? Not exactly something there’s a big market for. Or even a niche market for, for that matter.

    This. Exactly this. When I read the guillotine comment, I sputtered, “Ordered from whom?

    [And, yes, I said “whom” out loud, not “who”. I’m not proud of it, but yes, I was a low-level guard in one of the GrammarNazis camps.]

  • eric

    “Ordered from whom?”

    The Bilderberg group keeps them in stock in case the commies try and steal their precious bodily fluids.

  • richardelguru

    “30,000 guillotines”

    It does seem a large number but the government printing offices produce a lot of stuff that needs to be trimmed!!1

  • daved

    I just took a look on eBay and didn’t find even one guillotine for sale, other than toy models. Either there’s a huge untapped market here, or dear ol’ Josh is into the cooking sherry again.

  • ArtK

    Actually, the government only wanted 15,000 guillotines, but the manufacturer uses the same lobbying firm as Lockheed Martin who got the order bumped up a bit. I understand that they threw in an extra C-5B as part of the deal.

  • eoraptor

    CripDyke @ 8:

    Actually, as the object of a proposition, whom is correct. As an easy to remember cheat, substitute she/her for who/whom. If the sentence would require she, then it’s who. Conversely, her would require whom.

    Works most of the time, so far as I know.

    Modern Major-General of The Grammar Nazis.

  • Modusoperandi

    Plus they’re laundering the money for the guillotines through the Clinton Foundation. Mexican ISIS agents will then smuggle them (along with ebola and nucular weapons) across the border in a reverse Fast and Furious guillotine-walking operation while the ATF looks the other way.

  • Sastra

    the government has ordered 30,000 guillotines

    Someone on Etsy has just made a fortune.

  • blf

    A quick search for modern beheading-type guillotine makers failed, not unexpectedly, to find any, but did find this debunking, Did the U.S. Government Just Purchase 30,000 Guillotines? No.:

    Q: Why did the U.S. government recently purchase 30,000 guillotines?

    A: It didn’t. You’ve been hoaxed.

    A June 19, 2013 article claiming the feds recently bought 30,000 guillotines […] and that Congress passed a law authorizing their immediate use for “governmental purposes” […] has sparked a conspiracist feeding frenzy.

    Never mind there’s not a shred of evidence to support either allegation. The first clue that they’re fictitious is the fact that the author to whom they’re attributed, retired FBI agent Ted Gunderson, died two years before the article was published.


    The debunking goes on to link to a 1997 bit of nonsense, Revelation Prophecy — Guillotine Execution, claiming (my redactions / comments are in [square backets]) “there were news stories concerning these ‘Guillotines’ all over the place. National news…but I can’t remember EXACTLY where I heard it. [snickers] The fact that it WAS announced is a matter of history now […]

    “In or around 1991, a convoy of military transport vehicles, manned by a group of marines, transported close to 100,000 units of SOMETHING…in CRATES…headed for a supposedely [sic] ‘closed’ military base in Montana. […]”

    No clew, however, who made, or where these N thousands of beheading-type guillotines were made, or how much they cost, or where they now are. The fictitious federal law is a nice-but-damaging touch, clearly a claim which could be proven rubbish with some effort.

  • bmiller

    Mr. Ed:

    When one passes the Event Horizon of a Black Hole in the physical universe, normal laws of physics break down.

    As we approach the Political Event Horizon of the Black Hole of right wing insanity, standard Laws of Discourse also begin to break down! Allowing, for example, the crazier members of The Brethren to travel back in time to claim Martin Luther King Jr. as a right wing capitalist militarist!

  • dingojack

    blf – “No clew, however, who made, or where these N thousands of beheading-type guillotines were made, or how much they cost, or where they now are.” [emphasis mine].

    So you don’t have any of the lower corners of sails, or ball of twine, string or the like —

    Well I suppose that’s useful to know.

    :) Dingo

  • Childermass

    Dumber than Kent Hovind? I think not.

  • felidae

    Josh, I’m sorry but guillotines are a slow and messy way to kill people–about 80 years ago our German friends came up with far more efficient and cleaner ways to get the job done

  • Al Dente

    blf @16

    “In or around 1991, a convoy of military transport vehicles, manned by a group of marines, transported close to 100,000 units of SOMETHING…in CRATES…headed for a supposedely [sic] ‘closed’ military base in Montana. […]”

    Torpedoes and cruise missiles without warheads are routinely transported around the US by unguarded trains and civilian trucks. The warheads are moved by military transport vehicles but that’s because moving explosives by truck requires special licenses and permits which most truckers don’t have. But when the warheads are moved the trucks are unguarded and the drivers are civilians, not military. So why would guillotines have military drivers and guards?

  • Michael Heath

    I never heard of Jade Helm till I saw it referenced in this thread.

    All the fundies that used to forward conservative viral emails to me stopped a few years back. I’m confident that was because I replied rather than forwarded.

  • grumpyoldfart

    When Josh sees the upward spike in his donations graph he will laugh and laugh and say to himself, “These clowns are fucking idiots. Now let’s see how far I can push the silly buggers.”

  • briandavis

    @1 themadtapper asked:

    And where exactly would someone even order guillotines from?

    Sharper Image

  • dingojack

    But where were the military trucks carrying un-marked crates of Madam Lefarges*?!?



    * or is it ‘Madams Lefarge’?

  • iangould

    Honestly, if you’re transporting people long distance by truck or disael traincto exterminate them all you nerd to do is feed the exhaust into the vehicle and have the capoea haul out the corpses.

  • dingojack

    In or around the nineteen eighties I heard from a friend of friend of mine’s dog trainer’s second cousin’s hairdresser’s housekeeper’s next-door neighbour’s electricity-meter-reader’s cousin, who overheard it from a homeless guy under a bridge somewhere, that the government was transporting 10,000 un-marked crates of SOMETHING to SOMEWHERE – under the cover of a false-flag operation involving Glen Bek killing, then raping and then eating one (or more) teenaged (or younger) boys (or girls)…

    Did those 10,000 un-marked crates contain PACKETS OF JELLO?


    You decide! I’m just asking questions

  • StevoR

    Is it me or did he say Jade helm was a “military exorcise” -WTF?

    Joshua Feuerstein : “You guys think this is crazy” – Yes, yes, we do.

    JF : “Does this bother you?” Nope. Because its unfounded crap.

    Disappointed he didn’t mention the Moon landing “hoax” and Global Warming here let alone the Reptilian Space nazi -Iilluminati Triumvirate preparing to rule the Nuew Werld Orrdah(! Eleventy-one!!11!) somewhere in there.

    False advertising Ed Brayton false advertising! 😉

    PS. 7,466 people liked this? For real? Come on ‘fess up how many of them were from here enjoying the comic relief?

    PPS. Yeah Idid dsre to google operation jade helm :

    seems to explain it pretty well. Excerpt :

    it’s also worth noting that the military has routinely launched exercises in the past in which regions of the United States are identified as hostile for the purpose of training.

    Yep. No big deal and something that’s happened a few times before with no conspiracy theory outcome , surprise , surprise.

  • lorn

    What?!? How could he leave out Nazi flying saucers working out of hidden antarctic bases flown by beautiful, and genetically pure, Arian women servicing the secret moon base where Hitler is being kept frozen until the time is right?

  • weatherwax

    #11 daved: “I just took a look on eBay and didn’t find even one guillotine for sale,”

    That proves it. The government’s bought them all up.

  • yoav

    why would they not just go for the much simpler and cheaper firing squad?

    Because guns are Murcan and therefore Obama, being a muslin, commie, atheist,nazi, is not going to use them. Instead he is going to use a method invented by the French, from which he learned how to surrender to Iran, hell, he may actually be a french Kenyan, I’m sure I can find images of him drinking some of their snooty wine instead of the abominable stuff frodulantly referred to in the US as beer.

  • StevoR

    @ ^ yoav : Yep. American beer as has been famously described is like having sex in a canoe – fucking close to water!

  • richardelguru

    Dingo @ 14

    Actually that is not wrong, just old fashioned (see the OED):

    Old English— cliwen, cliowen, cleowen, cliewen, clywen, Middle English—16 clewe, ME–15 clowe, ME clyw(e, ME– clew

    Clue is a later spelling of clew n., q.v. Used in all the surviving senses, but especially in the fig. In Middle English -ew was the normal form even for words from French in -ue, -eu, as blew, imbew, crew, dew, sew, glew; when these were in later times altered to -ue, this spelling was extended to various native words (from Old English -iw, -eow, -eaw) as hue, spue, rue (v.), true, and clue.

  • richardelguru

    Oh… and Ding, you are being a bit etymologically fallacious in either spelling :-)

  • StevoR

    @33. richardelguru : Umm, I’m seeing Modusoperandi @ 14 not dingojack. You mean Dingojack is #18 instead I’m guessimg?

    Also, okay , that is quite interesting. Etymologically speaking. English sur eis a strange language. Glad I grew up with it or I’d be in real trouble speaking it, which, erm, well, if you look at my usual issues with typos and shit, umm, I mean even worse trouble …

  • congenital cynic

    The use of “whom” is one of the vestiges of case declension that lingers in English. It’s the dative case and is required after certain prepositions such as “for, from, with, by, about, after and to”. In German, which has four cases, it’s the same thing. You use dative case after the prepositions: aus, ausser, bei, mit, nach, seit, von, and zu.

    One doesn’t get the notion of “case” in the study of English grammar, unless one studies Latin or some living language that uses case. There are just vestiges of it in English. But getting the whole “who/whom” thing sorted out is easy once you know where the rule comes from.

  • richardelguru

    You are right StevoR, but then I was doing lang. rather than maths!!

  • dingojack

    Richard – ‘etymologically fallacious*’, says the man using the obsolete and archaic form. Yes, you’ve positively convinced me. @@



    * the correct term to describe mine (#18) would probably be ‘etymologically facetious’

  • caseloweraz

    Never mind the identity of the source of these guillotines — the real question is how much they cost! It’s another case of government waste. It’s not like the federal gummint doesn’t already have a hundred ways of killing people it doesn’t like. I’ll bet they’re gold-plating the guillotine blades, too! Eleventy!!