Chuck Norris Joins the Jade Helm Idiot Brigade

Add Chuck Norris to the brigade of right-wing paranoiacs who think the Pentagon’s upcoming Jade Helm 15 military exercise is really a secret plan to take over the entire Southwest region of the United States. It’s all a conspiracy, dontchaknow.

Last week, I laughed as some progressives in the mainstream media tried to mock Gov. Abbott for telling the Texas State Guard to monitor the Pentagon’s Jade Helm 15 military ops that are occurring this summer in seven states, including California and Texas.

If you haven’t heard about Jade Helm 15, you need to. It is multi-state training mission for special operations soldiers scheduled over an eight-week period in July and August, with most of the activity happening on private property but some public, too. The official website press release from March 24 admits: “While multi-state training exercises such as these are not unique to the military, the size and scope of Jade Helm sets this one apart.”

Gov. Abbot was right in writing Maj. Gen. Gerald Betty, “During the training operation, it is important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed.” Abbott is demanding “regular updates on the progress and safety of the Operation.”

Concerned Texans and Americans are in no way calling into question our brave and courageous men and women in uniform. They are merely following orders. What’s under question are those who are pulling the strings at the top of Jade Helm 15 back in Washington. The U.S. government says, “It’s just a training exercise.” But I’m not sure the term “just” has any reference to reality when the government uses it.

“Well, I’m not trusting what we’re being told,” said Mike Hightower, an affable antique store owner and real-estate agent in the very small town of Smithville, Texas, where some Jade Helm 15 exercises will take place. He added, “I think there’s something a little more involved than what they’re telling us.”

Hey, what stronger evidence do you need than an affable antique store owner saying he thinks there’s something fishy going on? Checkmate, skeptics. Take your fancy logic and evidence thinking back to New York City, you gay hippies!

If Washington wants to cool the embers of controversy, then it should quit stoking the fire, as with the posting of a map of Jade Helm 15 “just” exercises that label some areas of the country, including Texas, as “hostile,” according to KHOU 11 News in Houston and verified by the Washington Post.

Yeah, see, it’s a military training exercise. That means someone has to pretend to be the bad guys and they have to be labeled on the map as such. That probably wasn’t in the script to Delta Force, which is as close to actual military matters as you’ve gotten.

Whatever Jade Helm 15 actually is, I think it is more than coincidental that the FBI director just confessed in February that the presence of ISIS can be felt in all 50 states of the U.S. and that the Pentagon is suddenly running its biggest military training exercise with every branch of the military across seven Southwestern states.

Wait, suddenly? This exercise was announced months ago and it’s still at least two months away from taking place. In what universe is that “suddenly”? And if you think it’s actually an exercise against the presence of ISIS, wouldn’t that be a good thing? Seriously, I know thinking isn’t exactly your strong suit, Chuck, but this would be incoherent for an average 9-year old, much less an adult.

Here’s the question that neither Chuck nor any other right-wing paranoid has ever tried to answer: Why would the federal government need to “take over” land that is already part of the country?

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  • daved

    which is as close to actual military matters as you’ve gotten.

    Much as it pains me to defend Chuck Norris, he is, in fact, an Air Force veteran, though not a combat veteran. He served in South Korea, which is where he first learned martial arts.

  • dingojack

    An Alternate Chuckie:

    “Concerned Texans and Americans Citizens of the Greater Fatherland are in no way calling into question our brave and courageous men and women in uniform. They are merely following orders.”

    @@

    Dingo

  • k_machine

    Concerned Texans and Americans are in no way calling into question our brave and courageous men and women in uniform. They are merely following orders.

    So we can’t call The Troops into question, even if they seize the state of Texas by force? And the “just following orders” defense has been tried, and failed in the past.

  • karmacat

    These people seem to be stuck in the authoritarian mode. They think the president has all the power and the military and Congress are powerless as well as the state governments.

  • scienceavenger

    Here’s the question that neither Chuck nor any other right-wing paranoid has ever tried to answer: Why would the federal government need to “take over” land that is already part of the country?

    Indeed, even my 14-year old got that. When told the governor was afraid the federal government was going to take over Texas, she screwed up her nose in thought, then said “But it’s in America”.

    Congrats Chuck, you just got your ass hande to you by a girl.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    IF TEXAS IS IN THE USA THEN WHY DOES IT HAVE ITS OWN NATIONAL GUARD?!!! CHECKMATE ED BRATYON!!!

  • grumpyoldfart

    And “Chuck Norris” is back in the headlines. Mission accomplished – with no need to pay fees to PR firms.

  • dingojack

    MO – if Texans didn’t have a well-ordered milita, how could they own all them gunz?!?

    Thanks Constitution!!

    Dingo

  • rationalinks

    Muahaha…soon we will turn all of Texas into one giant FEMA concentration camp, round up all pastors who do not perform same sex marriages, gun owners, and anyone who dislikes Common Core and put them in Camp Texas for reeducation. Not even your super hero, Chuck Norris, can stop us now!

  • Die Anyway

    If Chuck was in the Air Force, there’s a good possibility that he might have been involved in a similar exercise. I know I was, back in 1971, in… of all places… Texas. The poor Army guys were bivouaced in tents but we Air Force crews were housed in motel rooms. Joint maneuvers lasted for a week or more. It’s not like this is something new.

  • Kevin Kehres

    @9 rationalinks:

    Why do you think we’ve been chemtrailing Texas so hard? To soften them up. But you left out the Ebola-riddled Guatemalan children, HAARP, fluoridated water, and the ISIS training camp on the border.

    If I were in Texas, I’d leave right away and never come back. Heck, I’d cross the border into Mexico and try to get to Guatemala. Because there are no Ebola-riddled children there…they’re all in the US — lurking.

    Bwahahahahaha.

  • John Pieret

    @ 9 & 11:

    Don’t forget the nuclear and chemical weapons we snuck into Texas through a drug smuggler’s tunnel and the FBI is covering up by refusing to test the tunnel forensically.*

    _____________________________________________________________________

    * A Republican (of course!) Congressman from Arizona (natch!) sniffed it out but it’s too late now!

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/gop-congressman-we-know-there-are-isis-camps-just-across-the#.vvOPdzKjn

  • Al Dente

    Hey Chuckie, the fact that this is Exercise Jade Helm 15 should be a clue that there were 14 previous Jade Helms. Your concerns, while stupid, are laughable.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    If Chuck Norris is right, he will save the day, right? So either way, we’re good.

  • felidae

    Methinks Mr Norris suffered one too many blows to the head–of course, this may be his excuse but that doesn’t cover the other thousands of assholes in Texas

  • wildbill

    See abbott is using all this as a distraction. His secret plan is to create hysteria over jade helm and then declare martial law, He plans to use the empty walmarts as forced labor camps (I know, how is that different from walmart now? No greeters, that’s how). From there he plans to invade mexico (what good is having your own army if you can’t invade someplace). He will appoint Chuck Norris head of the texas rangers (what norris doesn’t realize is that abbott appointed him head of the baseball team). Oklahoma gets jealous and wants to join texas, but texas says their standards are too high to take in Oklahoma. The cowboys go 1-15 in the texas world football league (their only opponent is houston), the one win due to fact houston forgot to show up one week. Louis gohmert gets arrested as an illegal alien trying to sneak into texas. Residents are concerned about his anchor babies, who are now grown. Mississippi celebrates the loss of texas, hey they move up one on state rankings (No more being #50!)

  • StevoR

    I think Jim Wright summed it up perfectly here :

    http://www.stonekettle.com/2015/05/jade-helm-insanity-that-ate-texas.html

    Let me be blunt, or blunter than I’ve already been: anybody, anybody, who believes President Obama is about to send the United Nations to invade Texas, declare martial law, and herd Texans into FEMA Death Camps Of Death cleverly hidden in a secret network of continent spanning tunnels linking Wal-Marts across the nation, anybody who believes this ridiculous howling bullshit in any way whatsoever should be darted with powerful tranquilizers, netted from black helicopters, pumped full of happy juice before they start eating their own feces, and installed in a dark padded cell where the most dangerous thing they encounter each day is a small plastic cup of institutional butterscotch pudding pushed through a small opening in the bottom of the door with a stick.

    on his Stonekettle station blog.

  • llewelly

    uh oh. Obama better surrender soon. His Jade Helm invasion of Texas is clearly doomed, since Chuck Norris and his Action Jeans, with their unique hidden gusset, have joined the fight!

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    “The Jade Helm Idiot Brigade?” That sounds like a perfect name for a bigoted backwoods militia created by a Chuck Norris wannabee.

  • dingojack

    llewelly – I hear Chuckie’s trying to get R Money involved — that’ll add Magic Underpants to go with his Action Jeans (with unique hidden gusset) …

    @@ Dingo

  • http://cycleninja.blogspot.com cycleninja

    Two words: Robin Sage. The Green Berets (aka Army Special Forces) have been playing wargames over a third of the state of North Carolina for DECADES. But those weren’t initiated by a black president.

    Idiots.

  • Rick Pikul

    @Al Dente #13

    Hey Chuckie, the fact that this is Exercise Jade Helm 15 should be a clue that there were 14 previous Jade Helms.

    At least some of the time the numbers refer to the year, rather than how many times it has been done.