Cindy Jacobs Prays Away Two More Terrorist Attacks

Cindy Jacobs, self-declared “prophet” and the scourge of Olive Gardens everywhere with her divinely-ordained bottomless bowl of spaghetti, told her “prayer warriors” to go “shields up” last week to prevent terrorist attacks that came to someone in a dream.

I just received a call from Anne Tate, prayer leader for Chuck Pierce, who relayed to me a disconcerting warning. A prophetic intercessor was warned in a dream of a severe attack from ISIS, possibly targeting the Memorial Day Parade in Washington DC.

Last week, another prophetic intercessor contacted me directly with a warning to pray against potential ISIS attacks against the Pentagon. Is an attack imminent?

All this said, shields up! Please pray for our intelligence community and law enforcement folks as they work to secure Washington DC from any attack. Let’s continue to pray for hidden plots to be exposed before they can be hatched!

And guess what? No terrorist attacks. What clearer proof do you need that prayer works? Checkmate, atheists! It reminds me of the guy who walks around all day clanging two pans together. When someone asks him why he does that, he says he does it to prevent shark attacks. “But sharks live in the ocean, they don’t attack people on land,” the guys says. “See, I told you it works!” Prayer is 100% effective in preventing things that weren’t going to happen in the first place.

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  • colnago80

    Laugh it up. Thousands take this phoney seriously.

  • busterggi

    Too bad Jesus didn’t tell her to pray up the shields against the recent flooding in Texas.

  • StevoR

    Anti-tiger rock in a country where no tigers live (zoos & Las Vegas casino shows excepted) – like in that ep of The Simpsons Homer was convinced of course .. and the US seems to have a lot of real life Homers except without the charm and unkillability and with more hair but less intelligent and fun.

  • StevoR

    ‘Prayer is 100% effective in preventing things that weren’t going to happen in the first place.”

    Sadly terrorist attacks aren’t quite in that category -we do know that Jihadists plot to attack soft targets (& hard ones too) in the USA as here in Oz and elsewhere inspired by extremist religion (not just Islam) and ideology (ditto) and sometimes other shit too.

    Prayer of course isn’t going to stop it and terror attacks whilst rare and unlikely to affect most people can and will and do happen.

  • moarscienceplz

    Cindy Jacobs also keeps my neighborhood completely Tyrannosaur-free. Checkmate, atheists!

  • johnm55

    I’m not sure if she makes this stuff up deliberately or if she really believes it. I’m not sure which scenario bothers me the most.

  • Larry

    Prayer leader 1. Prayer leader 1. This is Prophetic intercessor 3. Do you copy?

    Prophetic intercessor 3, this is Prayer Leader 1. I copy.

    Prayer leader 1, we have bogies at 11 o’clock. Repeat, bogies at 11 o’clock. Do you copy?

    Prophetic intercessor 3. I see them. ISIS warriors, damn it! Jacobs squadron, arm your smart prayers and prepare to attack. On your knees. Pray!!

  • Modusoperandi

    busterggi “Too bad Jesus didn’t tell her to pray up the shields against the recent flooding in Texas.”

    Praying against ISIS left us open and undefended to gay marriage-related natural disasters.

  • caseloweraz

    Well played, Larry. I would add one thing: If that bottomless bowl of spaghetti really worked as advertised, it could be mounted in a plane and used to pasta-bomb ISIS into submission.

  • Trebuchet

    Obviously, since we’ve got Cindy, we don’t need to spend all that money on the military. Their budgets can be cut immediately.

  • grumpyoldfart

    That Schuller guy from the Crystal Cathedral used to pull the same sort of stunt. Poncing around on the stage during the healing schtick he would say things like, “Heal. Be Healed. There is a dear sister in the Philippines with cataracts and the Lord is healing her right now. The scales are falling from her eyes. She is healed. Thank you Jesus.” (And his ratbag audience actually thought they had witnessed a true miracle!)