I Was Wrong About Donald Trump

I admit it, I was wrong. After saying for years that Donald Trump will never run for president, he threw his toupee into the ring yesterday. The clown car is now a clown Gulfstream G650. But I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to be wrong about something. He began his announcement by going full-on xenophobe:

“When do we beat Mexico at the border?” Trump asked the crowd at his announcement at his namesake Trump Tower in New York City. “They are not our friend, believe me…The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems…When Mexico sends its people, they are not sending their best. They are not sending you. They are sending people that have lots of problems, and they are bringing those problems to us. They are bringing drugs and they are bringing crime, and they’re rapists.”

“Some, I assume are good people. But I speak to border guards and they tell us what we are getting,” Trump continued. “They are not sending us the right people. It’s coming all over South and Latin America and it’s coming probably from the Middle East. But we don’t know because we have no protection and we have no competence. We don’t know what is happening and it has got to stop and it has to stop fast.”

Uh, Donald…they aren’t sending us anyone. People are coming here all on their own, and yes the ones who are coming are desperate to build a better life for their families. That’s exactly why immigration is a good thing and always has been. They said the exact same thing about the Irish, Germans, Poles, Italians. And all of those groups and many more have made this country a far better place by their presence.

Looks like Trump is going straight to nativist demagoguery, as so many right-wing candidates have done in the past. Make people afraid of other people and you scare them into wanting you to protect them. It’s pretty standard fascist politics.

But I’m very happy he’s in the race. His giant ego and his total ignorance of public policy guarantees that he will implode while campaigning and he will do so in the most spectacular fashion. So on behalf of comedians and writers everywhere, Donald, let me say thank you.

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  • John Pieret

    I heard someone on NPR speculate that he sees himself as the Right’s Bernie Sanders and expects to get the same sort of crowds. But people come to listen to Bernie’s ideas, while the crowds for the Trumpster will be hoping to see the wind blow the dead thing off his head.

  • colnago80

    Can the Palinator be far behind?

  • eric

    I also appreciated the humor in The Donald saying he was going to bring all our overseas jobs back into the US, because it was just incredibly stupid of our politicians to let that happen.

  • colnago80

    According to the Donald’s own theory, he is ineligible to be president because his mother was not a US citizen at the time of his birth.

  • blf

    I liked this bit from The Grauniad’s snark, Donald Trump’s bid to be president: as ridiculous as his hair (all emboldening from the original):

    […] He’s going to cut spending on education, massively. “People are tired of spending more money on education per capita than any other country.”

    Yes, that is a national disgrace. And he’s going to be “the greatest jobs president that God ever made” and reduce the real goddamn unemployment rate from 20%.

    I thought the US unemployment rate was 5.4%? That’s just the official government figure. Trump believes it to be 18–20%, so that is what he is going to reduce it from.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    In honor of Trump’s declaraton let me drop a couple ideas:

    1) mix sriracha sauce and coarse sea-salt 50/50, stir well, spread on parchment paper and leave in dry oven at 100 overnight. Let dry then crumble in pestle or blender and put in a salt grinder. Use on lightly buttered popcorn.

    2) peel garlic cloves (1 head) and leave 1-2 weeks in 250ml virgin olive oil, shaking daily. Add liquid 50/50 with butter, microwave briefly to melt, stir and drizzle over freshly popped popcorn

    3) #2 substituting one white truffle for garlic. Serve on popcorn with a whisper of shredded asiago cheese

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems…

    The US was always a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems. The colonies before it, too. Huddled masses and religious kooks.

  • picklefactory

    I have been waiting for this post since yesterday, and I figured that you would be delighted! It’s looking to be just as hilariously awesome as it was during the 2012 election.

  • ragingapathy

    After I heard the announcement yesterday, I resolved to watch both the Daily Show and Larry Wilmore to get some more comedy. They had plenty of clips from Dumbald’s “Speech” if you could call it that.

    Aside from “Mexicans are rapists,” did anyone here know:

    1. Dumbald is VERY RICH, he pointed to a sheet of paper and said his “net worth is 8 billion. Net worth, not assets.” So clearly very qualified, dontchaknow.

    2. He’s gonna have the Next Great Wall built on the US southern border, and get the Mexicans to pay for it. “Guaranteed.”

    3. He Descended from The Heavens on an Escalator to the tune of Neil Young’s “Rockin in the Free World.” Used without authorization, of course.

    4. He sold a hotel to a Chinese national. Isn’t that amazing?

    I heartily recommend finding the “speech” online and following Marcus’s recipe above to add to the enjoyment. It was the most incoherent rant ever for a candidate, even worse than Ben Carson or Herman Cain. OH, and he thinks Oprah would be an excellent VP choice. She even invited him onto her show, at some point. Just think!

  • busterggi

    It is kind of pleasant to see a Repub who doesn’t use dog-whistles or code words and just spews his bigotry openly.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    @10 living where I do in Pennsylvania, I may as well support Trump, because the eventual smoking crater will be bigger and funnier.

  • John Pieret

    Even National Review thinks The Donald’s campaign is going to be a freak show. Its article about his announcement is entitled “Witless Ape Rides Escalator.”


  • Synfandel

    We don’t know what is happening and it has got to stop and it has to stop fast.

    At what point does the Trump Circus go all Rob Ford and stop being funny and start just being sad?

  • The Other Lance

    DNC response is awesomely Trollsome!

  • Kevin Kehres

    Well, I for one want to see a notarized copy of his long-form birth certificate. Because it appears by his appearance that he is not a US citizen, but rather an Oompa Loompa.

  • http://www.facebook.com/den.wilson d.c.wilson

    If it makes you feel better, Ed, I’m sure he’ll find and excuse to drop out before he has to fill out any financial disclosure forms.

  • llewelly

    Trump’s plan:

    (0) Commit so many absurd and ridiculous errors that liberals decide to donate money in order to prolong the hilarity.

    (1) Go to the Kochs and say “look at me, I’m getting donations from both conservatives and liberals, so I can WINNNNNN!”

    (2) Spend the money on a Gulfstream G650 named Buraq, a new yacht, a couple of beach houses, and a tower called Burj Khalifa Captain America Extravaganza Superbo.

  • John Pieret

    Glenn Beck, of all people, went after the Trumpster. However, before clicking on the link, unship your irony meter, drain it of any residual power and secure it in a bunker at least 10 feet underground with concrete walls at least 3 feet thick:


  • blf

    I would not be surprised if:

    (1) He starts claiming he’s getting lots of death treats and needs Secret Service protection unusually early. He’ll then either whinge Mr Obama is denying him the protection (if he doesn’t get it), or bragging he is so important only he now has such protection.

    (2) Claims he was changed the course of everyone’s narrative and they are all stealing ideas from him.

    (3) Sets up several SuperPACs and simply pockets the money raised.

    (4) Repeats all of the above until he gets bored or all of his staff walk, leaving no minions to do the actual work.

    (5) Is strangled by his own “hair” in a desperate effort to prevent the few remaining people on the planet from also dying of excessive laughter.

  • Larry

    We don’t know what is happening and it has got to stop and it has to stop fast.

    And what’s more, we’re coming to a fork in the road and when we get there, we’ll take it.

  • eric

    @17 – I believe that logic was the reason Ed thought he wouldn’t declare. Before yesterday, he could spend campaign contribution on Gulf Streams. Now, he can’t.

  • scienceavenger

    @16 Yeah, I, along with Ed, was having a nice helping of crow yesterday when I learned he hasn’t filed his FEC forms that make him an official candidate. My money says he finds some excuse to quit over that.

  • captainoblivious

    This will indeed be great.

    But what if he wins?

  • Donnie

    Marcus Ranum says

    June 17, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    In honor of Trump’s declaraton let me drop a couple ideas:

    1) mix sriracha sauce and coarse sea-salt 50/50, stir well, spread on parchment paper and leave in dry oven at 100 overnight. Let dry then crumble in pestle or blender and put in a salt grinder. Use on lightly buttered popcorn.

    Fuck yeah! I am doing this next week……thanks! I will eat my popcorn watching the clown bus grow, and grow while listening to me some Daily Show.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    @Donnie – truly sriracha salt goes on the popcorns like a dead raccoon goes on the trumpster.

    You will thank me someday. Sriracha salt on fried eggs is a revelation.

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    It’s still just a PR stunt, Ed. You weren’t really wrong.

  • Donnie

    @marcus ranum: for breakfas eggs try ghost pepper salt! Awesome….there is a chain out of Florida…..Tea and Spice Exchange. They sell it. If you like spicy with flavour, try it.

    As Fry from Futurama says, “don’t tell me what not to do’!” Or something…


  • Doc Bill

    You guys! You miss the point! TheDonald ™ could get all of this stuff done if he was Dictator of the World. He could just command things. ISIS, go home. China, behave! Mexico, no Fords for you.

    Alas, TheDonald ™ is not Dictator of the World and has to stoop to hiring background actors at $50 a pop (hey, he’s worth 8 billion!) to cheer his announcement. Just think, we could all get $20 and change if he just distributed his 8 billion around the USA.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Is the ghost pepper made with real ghosts!? I will see if amazon.com has. Thanks for the tip!! (El yucateco chipotle sauce is also amaaaazing on omlettes)

  • eric

    Just to reiterate what @22 said, Trump has not actually filed with the FEC. He is not yet technically running. He has 15 days (13 as of Thursday, I guess) to do that.

    15 days seems to be a mighty short period of time if he’s just grifting grift campaign contributions out of people, however, so given the announcement I won’t be surprised if he does fill out the paperwork. So instead of my prior 0.1% expectation that Trump will run, its now more like 50-70%.

  • eric

    Follow up: it appears at least some people think Trump is breaking the law by doing things the way he’s doing them (i.e., exploring a run before filing any paperwork).

  • http://composer99.blogspot.ca composer99

    I believe John Stewart basically thanked Trump for making his last six weeks on the job his best six weeks.

  • http://cycleninja.blogspot.com cycleninja

    Kathleen Madigan on Facebook yesterday: “And today Trump says Oprah would be a great VP. Every comedian’s brain is blowing circuits. It’s almost too much to process.”

  • Mobius

    So, are we approaching critical mass for Republican candidates? Can we see the Republican party implode into a black hole of irrelevance?

  • DataWrangler

    re 33: Maybe we can get Dr. Oz as Surgeon General too.

    (almost starting to hope my H1-B renewal gets rejected)

  • rietpluim

    I’m not so sure. Many Americans are so strange, they may even elect Trump.