Gloomy Glenn is Back. We’re All Going to Die.

Gloomy Glenn Beck has returned and that means we’re all going to die. The Dark One has come to harvest our souls and Obama the Terrible is going to begin to close his iron fist around the Christians, round them up and kill them. And don’t worry, he’s totally not exaggerating.

Glenn Beck opened his television program last night by declaring that “it’s time to go now” because everything he has been warning about for the last decare is now all coming to fruition.

Beck said that he sat all of his children down on Sunday night and told them that “now is the time, kids, this is the time that I have been preparing you for almost your whole life now, since September 11th. This is the time.”…

Beck continued with his misinformation campaign by then repeating his likewise untrue claim that the University of California has banned phrases such as “America is a melting pot,” before inevitably warning that all of this can only end in death.

“When you get down to banning ideas, the next step is banning books,” Beck warned. “First step. They soften the ground, biblical views can get you fired, expressing the idea of merit is bad. What’s next? I will tell you: book burnings, and re-education, and death. That’s not something I’m predicting, that’s not something I’m projecting, that’s not something I’m cheering for, I’m not using hyperbole, I’m looking solely at history.”

Jesus, imagine having that guy as a dad? His bedtime stories would give you nightmares. “Okay kids, the black helicopters will soon be here and the jackbooted thugs will soon be breaking down our door and dragging us away to the reeducation camps. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

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  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    Glenn Beck opened his television program last night by declaring that “it’s time to go now” because everything he has been warning about for the last decare is now all coming to fruition.

    He keeps promising but never comes through. If you didn’t know better, you’d think that he was insincere.

  • Larry

    His bedtime stories would give you nightmares.

    Those poor kids would be confused as hell trying to interpret all the circles and arrows Beck draws on the white board while telling the story of Jack and the Beanstalk.

  • dingojack

    Don’t you mean ‘Jak and the beanstalk’?

    Mr Bek don’t do ‘c’.

    Dingo

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Jesus, imagine having that guy as a dad?

    “You kids knock it off and go to sleep right this very instant, or Obama will get you!”

  • dingojack

    Hmm… maybe someone should lure the Witch King of Angmar away from Mr Bek…

    [/nerdy Tolkien reference]

  • http://drx.typepad.com Dr X

    First they came for nobody, and I spoke out.

    Then they came for nobody else, and I spoke out.

    Then they didn’t come for me, but I’m still yammering like an imbecile — G Beck

  • Big Boppa

    The Dark One has come to harvest our souls and Obama the Terrible is going to begin to close his iron fist around the Christians, round them up and kill them.

    He keeps promising this and it just never happens. I demand to see some results already. Oh, and a hovercar would be nice too.

  • jnorris

    I think what Mr Beck means is it’s time for him to move as much of his wealth out of the USA as possible before he loses the defamation lawsuit to Mr Alharbi.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Are those vertical blinds, or does Beck now broadcast – just as he warned us! – from inside a prison?

  • Pen

    Seems like the options on ‘places to go’ would be: Russia?, the Middle East? Parts of Africa? Not that any of those places really deserve Glen Beck.

  • busterggi

    “Jesus, imagine having that guy as a dad?”

    Jesus indeed – the traditional child’s bedtime prayer in which the child begs for Jesus not to kill him/her in their sleep.

    Gave me enough nightmares.

  • kenn

    OT: Has Rick Scarborough set himself on fire yet?

  • karmacat

    If his kids are teenagers, then they are probably rolling their eyes at him. I wonder what his wife thinks of him. I hope she is just using him for his money

  • grumpyoldfart

    His “yes-men” feed him those lines and they laugh like buggery every time he uses one of them.

  • Jared James

    Oh, is it Friday again?

    Who is doomed when, and what will he be shattering with his revelation next week?

  • Numenaster

    @busterggi #11,

    No kidding. My mom deliberately reworded that prayer before teaching it to my brother and I for that very reason. It was years before I knew that not everyone grew up chanting “And in the morning when I awake please make me good for Jesus sake.”

  • Michael Heath

    Ed writes:

    Jesus, imagine having that guy as a dad? His bedtime stories would give you nightmares. “Okay kids, the black helicopters will soon be here and the jackbooted thugs will soon be breaking down our door and dragging us away to the reeducation camps. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

    They probably have more nightmares because they have a moron for a dad rather than his dumb stories.

  • raven

    No kidding. My mom deliberately reworded that prayer before teaching it to my brother and I for that very reason.

    Now I lay me down to sleep.

    I pray the lord my soul to keep.

    And if I die before I wake.

    I pray the lord my soul to take.

    I just did this from memory. I was taught it at around age 5.

    WTH was mom thinking anyway? I suppose it was a different time and she never actually thought about it since it was taught to her.

    This cuckoo prayer needs to go the way of Jerry Falwell.

  • raven

    Jesus, imagine having that guy as a dad?

    Probably not so bad.

    Beck is very rich, ca. $100 million and going up. If they are remotely normal, they just smile and nod since Beck obviously is cuckoo.

    Or they might just be a lot like him. Look what happened to Billy Graham’s kids. All his viciousness and none of his minor charm.

  • lorn

    I imagine that Beck’s children might experience his parenting as a Groundhog Day sort of dynamic.

    Every bed time Beck speaks passionately, with tears in his eyes, of how the end is tonight and the sky will fall. Then, come the morning, Beck takes his medication and it is all sunshine and vertical light with Glen greeting the kids cheerily and happily bundling them off to school. By the afternoon a sullen and silent Beck picks the kids, takes them home, and grimly prepares dinner. By bed time he is back to open weeping and despair.

    Daddy is nuts and desperately needs his dosage adjusted. Perhaps smaller doses twice or three times a day would even him out. Perhaps his medication comes in a time-release version. In the mean time life with daddy is something of a roller coaster ride … Weeeeee.

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    Come on, raven. Having a rich father doesn’t mean he can’t traumatize the shit out of you.

  • dingojack

    Raven – the kids are probably happy in the knowledge he’s not genetically related to them —

    Since they know he’s “… obviously [a] cuckoo”.

    😉 Dingo

  • StevoR

    Gloomy Glenn is Back. We’re All Going to Die.

    Well, he’s right about that one thing. We are are gunna die. One day. Of varying individual causes. Stopped clock being right an’all. Its a bummer but it sure won’t be the way Beck “thinks” or predicts it will.

    And don’t worry, he’s totally not exaggerating.

    Indeed not,. Beckikins left mere exaggerations behind along time ago. I don’t know quite what you even call it now but its as far from mere exaggeration and hyperbole as extremely low frequency radio wavelengths are from gamma rays on the electromagnetic spectrum! (Which may be an actual slight exaggeration but only slight!)