DeLay Claims ‘Secret Memo” Details ’12 Perversions’ to be Legalized

Tom DeLay went on Newsmax TV and, I’m quite sure, lied through his teeth about “finding” a “secret memo” from the Department of Justice outlining how they plan to legalize “12 perversions,” including pedophilia and bestiality. He offered no evidence for this claim at all, of course.

“We’ve already found a secret memo coming out of the Justice Department,” DeLay claimed. “They’re now going to go after 12 new perversions, things like bestiality, polygamy, having sex with little boys and making that legal. Not only that, but they have a whole list of strategies to go after the churches, the pastors, and any businesses that tries to assert their religious liberty. This is coming and it’s coming like a tidal wave.”

Malzberg, who was predictably shocked by the news that Department of Justice was now going to seek to legalize things like pedophilia, asked DeLay to clarify that that was what he had just claimed and DeLay assured him that it was.

“That’s correct,” he said. “They’re coming down with 12 new perversions. LGBT is only the beginning. They are going to start expanding it to the other perversions.”

Okay, so you “found” that “secret memo.” Since you found it, you should be able to produce it, right? So go ahead, let’s have it. We’ll wait. *tick tock tick tock* Oh, you don’t actually have the memo and can’t provide any evidence to support your claim? How shocking. Let me guess, your dog ate it?

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  • D. C. Sessions

    “I have, here in my hand a list … “

  • John Pieret

    He found it all right!!!

    And just as soon as he can pry his head out of his rectum he’ll show you exactly where he found it!

  • http://twitter.com/#!/TabbyLavalamp Tabby Lavalamp

    It’s interesting that the list is that precise. Not pedophilia, but “having sex with little boys”. Because sex with little girls isn’t a perversion to him, or is that a whole separate one? (That would definitely help bump the number of perversions on the list if you separate the pedophiles.)

  • Brent

    With a document potentially as explosive as that one, the PR strategy is “claim we’ve got it first, then leak it later.” You mean you wouldn’t publish it instantly, causing the DoJ to get on the defensive and have to deny its authenticity, and start blaming Obama for it? Yeah, right.

  • http://quixote317.livejournal.com/ Quixotic James

    He’d love to produce them, but they’re written in an unknown language, and besides, an angel took them back to the Justice department. Luckily, he translated them with a magic rock before that happened.

  • marcozandrini

    Looks like the bugman had inhaled a lot of his magic potions! Jerque!

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    It’s nice that he’s keeping busy doing what he loves, making the world a worse place.

  • Anri

    I think these preversions by preverts are attacks on our power of essence.

    (Yes, I’m mixing my characters. It still makes more sense than Tom DeLay.)

  • bahrfeldt

    The only question appears to be whether this nutjob really believes that the cabinet departments create the laws of the land or he is only pandering to fleece more from his flocked up, brain fried, tea tarded constituency.

  • rabbitscribe

    After seeing Michelle’s “Whitey tape” deep-six Obama’s 2008 campaign, I find your lack of concern here astonishing.

  • Doc Bill

    DeLay’s religious delusion has grown steadily worse over the years. He’s probably suffering from some kind of brain degeneration. He’s always been a greedy, self-centered little bugger, but this latest round of crazy delusions is new. He’ll probably be non-functional in a few years.

  • llewelly

    Give them time, Ed. They will release the secret memo soon. Their photoshop experts are hard at work.

  • dingojack

    They can have DeLay’s (wish) List of Legalized Perversions* —

    when they come and pry his head out from his cold, dead rectum… 😉

    Marcozandrini – Tom’s been huffing 12 Perversions before Breakfast, an eau de Boudoir from MO Industries (Pty Ltd)…

    Dingo

    ———

    * is it just me, or does it seem to anyone else: “The lady protests to much, methinks”. What have you been up to Tom? Hmmm?

  • abb3w

    A “secret knowledge” claim, triggering quasi-religious embrace and fervent reaction… but it’s a signal cheaply counterfeited. Though some may still covet secret knowledge, the more skeptically inclined seem less eager to accept the value without validation.

    So, as a refinement of Ed’s question: In this age of omnipresent camera phones and social media sharing, why has he only made his summary of the memo available, rather than present the actual memo?

  • Jeremy Shaffer

    So I take it Tom DeLay has just taken to referring to his ass as various governmental departments now. I would say that’s interesting but, given he likes associating with people who think every prolonged squeak from their asses is God talking to them, it just comes across more like a toady trying to emulate the cool kids without knowing why he thinks they’re cool.

  • http://onhandcomments.blogspot.com/ left0ver1under

    So go ahead, let’s have it. We’ll wait. *tick tock tick tock*

    His name *is8 Tom Dillydally, so don’t expect anything.

    As always, it’s easier to make the accusation than it is to refute it. And the wilfully ignorant and gullible will believe it without any evidence, even if after the refutation comes.

  • http://onhandcomments.blogspot.com/ left0ver1under

    Argh. That was supposed to be a second asterisk:

    *is*

  • grumpyoldfart

    The interviewer obviously doesn’t believe a word of it but he’s too gutless to say so and lets the liar off the hook when he says: “Nothing anymore would surprise me.” Such a piss weak reaction from someone who probably still sings that song about America being the home of the brave!

  • Nick Gotts

    The memo is entitled “Protocols of the Learned Elders of the Department of Justice”.

  • caseloweraz

    Here’s that “secret memo” — actually a syllabus:

    http://ncja.ncdoj.gov/Criminal-Sexual-Paraphilias-%28Sexual-Perversions%29–3327.aspx

    (Odd sort of URL…)

    An excerpt, reformatted:

    Common Paraphilias:

    * Fetishism

    * Exhibitionism

    * Transvestitism

    * Voyeurism

    * Necrophilia

    * Telephone Scatologia

    * Partialism

    * Zoophilia

    * Klismaphilia

    * Urophilia

    * Piquerism

    * Infibulation

    * Frotteurism

    * Hypoxphilia

    * Masochism

    * Pedophilia

    That’s 16 paraphilias/perversions. I wonder why DeLay stopped at 12.

  • Synfandel

    “Partialism”?! Is that fetishization of dental work?

  • Die Anyway

    Reading the list quickly I saw klismaphilia as ‘klesmerphilia’, and while I think love of klesmer music is a serious malady I couldn’t imagine it being a sexual perversion.

    So then I had to look up klismaphilia. Basically, love of enemas. Meh!

  • Pierce R. Butler

    …after 12 new perversions, things like bestiality, polygamy, having sex with little boys …

    None of those is “new” in any meaning of the word I know.

    Incidentally, all of the Seven Deadly Sins™ are already legal, which leaves only menial odds ‘n’ ends for the Libertinarianists in the Justice Dept to normalize: thanks, Obama!

  • dingojack

    Synfandel – perhaps a love of parting hair?*

    Dingo

    ———

    * A sexual focus on one particular area of the body (eg breasts, feet, necks or etc.)

  • JoeBuddha

    Synfandel is properly characterized as a love of wine…

  • http://www.twitter.com/jablair51 Ouabache

    I only recognize about half of those perversions but I’ll be damned if I google the rest of them.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Ouabache @ # 26: … I’ll be damned if I google the rest of them.

    Probably you would, if St Peter uses the same data-mining services as does the CIA et al.

    Not to mention all the, ahem, interesting and special ads you’d see on the internet while waiting your opportunity to stand in line at the Pearly Gates.

  • frankgturner

    I have a secret memo from DeLay’s proctologist that DeLay needs a special storage container for all of the fecal matter he produces as it goes far beyond the maximum capacity of fecal matter.

    .

    I will say it like I said of Santorum, comparing DeLay to fecal matter is an insult to fecal matter.

  • Crudely Wrott, lurching towards recrudescence

    Twelve perversions? Really?

    Damn. Where have I been, under a rock?

    I’m only aware of seven, not counting that one my cousin taught me. Looks like I’ve got some catching up to do.

  • dingojack

    Dear ‘Tail-Gunner’ Tom —

    Do each of the Communists working in the State Department get to practice only four nineteenths of a perversion each (on average)? How does that work, precisely?

    Love and Kisses,

    Dingo

  • Azkyroth, B*Cos[F(u)]==Y

    So then I had to look up klismaphilia. Basically, love of enemas. Meh!

    Perhaps this one *should* be promoted to DeLay and others who are notably full of shit.

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