Meet the Republican God Squad

It’s routine for Republican candidates to claim that they are only running for office because God wants them to and told them so, of course, but this year it seems more popular than ever. Salon has a list of the candidates — six of them so far — who have made that claim in the presidential race.

I’ve already documented this about Scott Walker and Ben Carson, but here are some of the others. John Kasich:

My family is a consideration, and number two, the most important thing is, what does the Lord want me to do with my life? You know, he puts us on Earth, all of us on Earth, to achieve certain purposes, and I’m trying to determine if this is what the Lord wants, and I’m not going to figure that out laying in bed hoping lightning strikes, so I’m out there one foot in front of another. We’ll see what happens.

Well that’s an interesting take on it. He isn’t coming out and saying that God told him to run, he’s saying that the only way to find out if God wants him to run is to go ahead and do it and see how it works out. So when he loses badly — and he will — will he then admit that God didn’t really want him to run after all? Will he feel guilty for not doing God’s will?

Rick Perry:

And then this just entire organic buildup of people who basically said, you know, for whatever reason, we’re not comfortable with the host of people who are coming forward to say they want to be the next president of the United States. And we look at your record, we look you and we want you to do this. And it has been an incredible outpouring and I can tell you that has given me the calmness in my soul that, you know, God sends messages through a lot of ways and through a lot of messengers.

So Perry knows it’s God’s will because he “sent” people to tell him that he needs to run. But that’s true of every other candidate as well, isn’t it? Doesn’t every candidate have people who tell them that they should run for president? And how does he know that God is speaking only through the people who think he should run for president? Couldn’t God just as easily be speaking to him through the people who thinks he’s an idiot who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near political power?

Rick Santorum:

Like Perry, Rick Santorum’s family also had a divine understanding of what compelled his presidential ambitions. The former Pennsylvania senator’s wife, Karen, told CBN News in 2011 that her husband’s candidacy was about “defending God’s truth in the world,” explaining that “it really boils down to God’s will. What is it that God wants? … We have prayed a lot about this decision, and we believe with all our hearts that this is what God wants.”

And now that you’re polling so badly that he isn’t even going to qualify for the 10-candidate debate in a couple weeks, how’s God’s will working out for you?

And finally, Mike Huckabee:

And whether it’s me or someone else, and I do ask people to pray. For me, this is not just a political or financial decision, it is a spiritual decision. You know, the only thing worse than not being elected president would be to be elected president without God’s blessing. I can’t think of a worse place in the world to be than in the Oval Office without God’s hand upon you. I’d rather not get near the place. But if that’s a purpose, so be it. And that’s my prayer.

Ah yes, the old “I don’t want to do this, but the Lord wants me to.” It’s the equivalent of Jesus in the garden saying “father, please let this cup pass from me.”

You’ll notice that three of those four said the same thing about the 2012 campaign, in which they all lost. Kasich is new, but he knows how to play the game.

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  • busterggi

    Is every schizophrenic a Republican or does it just look that way?

  • Modusoperandi

    God wants me to run, too, but that’s mostly because I’m so out of shape. He’s worried about me.

  • John Pieret

    So God told Walker, Carson, Kasich (sort of), Perry, Santorum, and Huckabee all to run for president? I’ll say it again … the old boy has a wicked sense of humor!

  • naturalcynic

    … but he knows how to play pray the game.

  • Raging Bee

    I’d take one, or some, or all, of those claims seriously, but so far at least, God hasn’t told me — or anyone else AFAIK — to vote for either of them.

  • raven

    Ironically, after god told 3 people to run in 2012, the GOP went ahead and nominated a…nonxian, Romney.

    The xian god either isn’t very powerful or has a warped sense of humor.

  • gopiballava

    The problem is, too many of the voters are listening to Satan rather than God.

  • Big Boppa

    John Pieret @3

    Not only did this god thingy tell “Walker, Carson, Kasich (sort of), Perry, Santorum, and Huckabee” to run for president. It also pulled a double dog switcheroo on ’em all and put tRump @ #1 in the polling.

    Now THAT’s comedy gold.

  • Synfandel

    raven @6 wrote:

    …the GOP went ahead and nominated a…nonxian, Romney.

    Mitt Romney is an adherent of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It has “Jesus Christ” right in its name. How could he not be a Christian? I thought it was just hyper-sectarian Protestants who floated the idea that “Mormons aren’t Christians because I never see them at Elm Street Baptist on Sunday morning.”

    I have been acquainted with numerous Mormons over the years. They all consider themselves Christians.

  • colnago80

    Re Synfandel @ #9

    They are rejected as true Christians by most Christian sects because they reject the Trinity.

  • Trebuchet

    @9: But the fundies don’t. As far as that goes, they don’t consider Rick Santorum or Bobby Jindal (Roman Catholics) to be Christian either.

  • cottonnero

    Mormons consider themselves Christians. The sort of Protestant Evangelical that thinks God’s hand is at work telling Rick Perry or whomever to run usually doesn’t think Mormons are Christians.

  • raven

    I thought it was just hyper-sectarian Protestants who floated the idea that “Mormons aren’t Christians because I never see them at Elm Street Baptist on Sunday morning.”


    The Catholics who have half the world’s xians don’t consider the Mormons xians either. In fact, just about no one does but…the Mormons.

    The Mormons agree with me. They think all 42,000 xian sects are Fake. There is only one True Xian cult. Which is, not surprisingly….the Mormons.

    Once again for the nth time (I’m bored with this), there is no xian central. There is no way to determine who is a True xian. It’s all opinion. Half of all xians and 3/4 of all xian clergy consider the Mormons to be nonxian. The LDS don’t really care since they consider all of them to be…nonxians.

  • raven

    The Southern Baptists think Mormons are nonxians and they are all going to hell. It’s right on their web site.

    They send missionaries to Utah to save the Mormons. The LDS sends missionaries to the South to convert the Southern Baptists.

    Not surprisingly, there isn’t much love lost between them.

    It’s really not important though. It’s more important that the Mormons and SBC hate the same groups of people. While their gods might exist, they probably don’t. But Democrats and nonwhites definitely exist and are worth the time to hate.

  • Knight in Sour Armor

    Sociologists place Mormons firmly under the evangelical Christian umbrella (not theologywise, but how they act). Scholars of the study of religion get to hand out these labels, not the individual groups, so their opinions on the validity of one sect being Christian is null and void.

  • Synfandel

    raven @14:

    The LDS sends missionaries to the South to convert the Southern Baptists.

    Why bother? They can just wait until the Southern Baptists die and then convert their corpses.

  • raven

    Why bother? They can just wait until the Southern Baptists die and then convert their corpses.

    Sure. And they will definitely do exact that.

    The LDS convert the dead operation is so efficient that they have run out of names. They will get you after you are dead. And me.

    But dead people don’t tithe!!! The Mormon church raises $7 billion a year in revenue, out of a US total of ca. $100 billion. They are very wealthy.

  • Synfandel

    They will get you after you are dead.

    Hah! I will never have enough money to die.

  • bargearse

    I notice God never told any of them they’d actually win. He’s basically just screwing with people for the lulz.

  • LightningRose

    This is just further proof that the One True God is Loki.

  • Dr X

    I’ll say it again, God just wants to find out how many Republicans can fit in a clown car.

  • Al Dente

    “If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron.” –Spider Robinson

  • Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    You left off Trump.

    He looked in the mirror and said, “Do I really want to run for President?”

    He later reported that, “the almighty said I’m going to run, and I’m going to win, and I’m going to eat good food and look spectacularly good doing it – which will itself boost TV ratings and thus revenues and thus create jobs! I am the greatest!”

    No information was available at press time to confirm the assertion that Trump’s god is not Trump himself…but his hairpiece.

  • chris69

    Come on the Flying Spaghetti Monster is laughing his head off right now, after tellin all these fundies to run and making each one think they are blessed by his holy noodly appendages.

  • Owosso Harpist

    Looks like God wants them to fill the small Republican Clown car to the fullest despite them being too big for it.

  • mykroft

    I only counts if they are told by the Father, Son and Holy Kochs.

  • mykroft

    It only counts…

    Need to proofread better.

  • blf

    I read that as “Need to proofread butter“, which is a quite intriguing concept, and far more comprehensible than discussions of what is, and is not, an approved follower of magic sky faerie fiction.