Carson: Pyramids Built to Store Grain. By Joseph.

Credit: Michael Vadon

Credit: Michael Vadon

The more is dug up about Ben Carson, the more bizarre it all gets. Buzzfeed found an old commencement address Carson gave at Andrews University, a Seventh-Day Adventist college here in Michigan, in which, for some weird reason, he decided to declare that all the archaeologists who have studied the pyramids in Egypt were wrong and he has the one true explanation — with no evidence at all, of course.

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson told graduates during a commencement address in the late ’90s that he believed the pyramids in Egypt were built by the biblical figure Joseph to store grain, and not, as most archeologists contend, as tombs for pharaohs.

At the 1998 commencement for Andrews University, a school associated with the Seventh-day Adventist Church, Carson also dismissed the notion that aliens were somehow involved in the construction of the pyramids.

“My own personal theory is that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain,” Carson said. “Now all the archeologists think that they were made for the pharaohs’ graves. But, you know, it would have to be something awfully big if you stop and think about it. And I don’t think it’d just disappear over the course of time to store that much grain.”…

“And when you look at the way that the pyramids are made, with many chambers that are hermetically sealed, they’d have to be that way for various reasons. And various of scientists have said, ‘Well, you know there were alien beings that came down and they have special knowledge and that’s how—’ you know, it doesn’t require an alien being when God is with you.”

First of all, no, “various of scientists” have not said that aliens helped build the pyramids. A handful of crackpots like Von Daniken have said that; scientists have laughed at them. Just like they’re going to laugh at you for thinking that you have discerned, without any training in the field or study of the pyramids whatsoever, that every Egyptologist in the world is wrong. And no, this is not your “personal theory,” it’s your personal pile of speculative bullshit for which you have zero evidence. A theory is an idea that explains the evidence that you are entirely ignorant of.

About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.