Conway: People with ‘Poison Keyboards’ are Attacking Me

Baghdad Kellyanne Conway has gone from lying to whining about all those terrible people with “poison keyboards” who criticize her for her dishonest and inane defenses of Trump. And it’s just so terrible, you guys, because she didn’t ask for it.


Kellyanne Conway could barely move across the White House lawn at the Easter Egg Roll on Monday without being accosted by a crush of selfie-seeking fans and enraptured young girls who wanted to stare at her.

The attention hardly came as a shock to Conway, who has been recognize-on-the-street famous since her ubiquitous television appearances during the 2016 campaign. Being swarmed by crowds — some full of adoration, others full of disdain — has become the new normal for the White House counselor, who is often stalked by paparazzi as she makes her way around Washington, now with her own Secret Service detail…

The aides themselves are adjusting to the sudden fame. “This is nothing I ever sought or expected,” Conway said in a phone interview as she boarded Air Force One on Tuesday to travel to Kenosha, Wisconsin, with the president. “It’s not as if I said to my children, ‘Mommy is running for governor, or starring in a new film, so attention will intensify and the unhappy people with poison keyboards will get nastier.’”

Oh, you poor dear. You didn’t ask for it, but you did accept a job that pays you a huge salary to be a professional liar. And now you’re whining when people call you a liar. You have two choices: Quit your job or stop lying so shamelessly and saying so many idiotic things. Or, ya know, STFU.

About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.