Alex Jones Talks About Cranking

The ever-macho Alex Jones went on a rant about sex robots that was the usual mishmash of idiocy and exaggeration, if not outright lies. From sex robots it went to people marrying toasters and then to the absurd claim that you’ll be viewed as a homophobe if you don’t have sex with cars. Seriously.

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“They’re now saying sex with machines or sex with cars or sex with appliances—there’s a whole big movement where people are marrying their cars, marrying their toasters, marrying their dogs, their cats, their horses. I’m not kidding,” Jones said.

No, actually, there is no such “movement.” There have been a handful of people who oppose gay marriage who have tried to claim that it means they can now marry their pets or their computers, an argument used to mock gay marriage, not a consequence of it. But there’s no need for facts here. This is, after all, Alex Jones.

Jones continued, “They’re catching people in public places—you see it all the time—trying to have sex with a Ferrari or trying to have sex with a ’57 Chevy. And they actually—I’m not going to get into the details of what they do, but they lube up the tailpipe and everything and then the police come up and there’s a guy hunching your car.”

LGBTQ activists, Jones claimed, plan to teach children that anyone who opposes having sex with cars or sex robots is homophobic.

“If you don’t let somebody have sex with your car, you’re a homophobe, you’re a bigot, you’re a horrible person,” Jones said. “By the way, this is not satire. I’m not kidding here. This is what they’re teaching kids now.”

Actually, I know of only one case of a guy who is into “cranking,” which is what he’s referring to here. He was a Republican legislative candidate here in Michigan a couple years ago. He ran on an anti-gay, “family values” platform. He’s been arrested multiple times for cranking. And no one has called anyone a homophobe for laughing at him or not letting him use their cars for it (he likes to use other people’s cars, for some reason).

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