‘Coach’ Dave: Satanists Use Abortion to Fuel Themselves

‘Coach’ Dave: Satanists Use Abortion to Fuel Themselves July 12, 2018

“Coach” Dave Daubenmire just seems to be more and more whacked by the day. His latest theory, which can only be described as utterly bizarre, is that everyone who has an abortion is a Satanist and they induce adrenalin in the fetuses so they can use it to create some other chemical that they use to fuel their bodies. I wish I were making this up.

“Why are they so upset about abortion?” Daubenmire asked, rhetorically. “Why are they so interested about death? Why do they want so much, the most important right they are ever going to have is the right for a woman to be able murder her unborn baby?”

This question prompted one of the participants on the livestream to explain that abortion is “the basis of their power” because “these people are satanists [who] sacrifice children and they use the children’s blood for their drug, adrenochrome.”

Daubenmire agreed, claiming that the left uses abortion and torture to create an “adrenaline rush” in fetuses and young children, who are then killed so that their adrenaline-filled blood can be extracted and consumed.

“I know this is ultimate tinfoil hat,” Daubenmire admitted. “But can somebody explain to me why the left wants to kill babies?”

He’s missing the obvious answer: They’re delicious. It’s like cannibal veal, very tender. And they make the most amazing demiglace. Or, uh…so I’ve heard. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tend to the smoker on my deck. I’m cooking for 70 atheists this weekend. Fetus: It’s what’s for dinner.

"Even here in Portland, we have standards!"

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