Friendly Atheist Contest #10: Surprises in the Pope’s Encyclical

December 4, 2007 By 41 Comments

It’s been a little while since we’ve done a contest… A lot of you bailed on me for the roommate contest (thanks to the few who submitted stories!), but Richard stepped in and ran an atheist limerick contest that is just begging for a winner.

So… here are the Top 5 limericks (with submitters)!

5|

After the twin towers fell
My anger started to swell
Theist’s invisible friends
Yield such horrible trends
To my atheist meekness, farewell

(Ben)

4|

The theists say they have the truth,
and all was created in a poof,
but I say I’m right,
I’ll put up a fight,
Spaghetti’s a much better spoof.

(Michael B.)

3|

There once was a fellow named Hitch,
He advanced an irregular pitch:
“That Mother Theresa?
I’ll give her a piece o’
My mind, that old, fraudulent bitch.”

(Sexy Secularist)

2|

Why reject our dear Lord’s great command
When the reasons for faith are so grand?
There’s the Bible so sweet
The flagellum so neat
And bananas fit right in your hand!

(Greta Christina)

1|

A pain in the ass named D’Souza
Thinks God Is Not Great is a louza.
But by hitchin’ his game
To Chris Hitchens’s name,
He’s managed to stay in the nouza..

(The Exterminator)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

FriendlyAtheistBand

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest.

Pope Benedict XVI recently wrote an encyclical where he blamed atheism for bringing about the ”greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice.”

I know what you’re thinking.

The Pope against atheism?

Never.

Which leads us to the question:

What other shocking statements will the Pope make in his next encyclical?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!


[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

Filed Under: Contests, General 41 Comments
  • http://www.sexysecularist.com SexySecularist

    “Bible = good. Sin = bad. God = big. Saint = yay!”

    “I iz pope. U all b my flock.”

  • http://gretachristina.typepad.com/ Greta Christina

    Thank you, thank you. I’d like to thank the Academy, my cast and crew, my agent, and all the little people who made me what I am today.

    As to the new contest: In his next encyclical, the Pope will declare that he, himself, is Catholic.

    And that bears shit in the woods.

  • Bartlett

    “Holy…fires…burning…low!…Need…more…brains!”

    “I discovered a new testament of the life of Jebus!

    ‘And ye, did the multitudinous morons bow down in supplication to their Lord, who so smirked mightily behind his admittedly sweet beard. He said unto them ‘Read not books of scholarly value, nor listen to arguments of logical sense, for they are the Devil and, totally, I did so not just make that up. Praise be to me and my sweet beard.’ And it was good. Good fun that is, for the Lord, until he screwed up bad and they crucified him. The endeth. Oh yeah, and then he came back from the dead and other stuff happened.’

    So, Atheists, do you see? He didn’t make anything up! Says so right there!”

  • http://australianatheist.blogspot.com Australian Atheist

    “Talls hats the height of fashion.”

    “Condoms worse than HIV.”

    “Discrimination against women acceptable.”

    “Although I am a virgin, I am best placed to tell you all what to do, and what not to do, in the bedroom.”

    “While many have tried before, it will be the atheist blogs that finally end the undue influence the Catholic Church has in this world.”

    and the obvious:

    “I’m a Catholic.”

  • Chancelikely

    “Yes, I’m a Catholic, and bears, well, yeah, they do.”

  • http://religiouscomics.net Jeff

    “The only way to heaven is through the Catholic Church. All apostate protestant denominations are an abomination. Atheists have been hypnotized by the devil and surely will burn in hell. As leader of the one true Christian church, I am ‘God man’, I have a ‘God phone’, and live in the ‘God cave’. I am not irrelevant. I repeat, I am not irrelevant!”

  • jedipunk

    “BELIEVING that God created the universe in six days is a form of superstitious paganism.” – oh darn, the Vatican Astronomer beat me to it. (http://news.scotsman.com/international.cfm?id=674042006&amp ;)

  • Mriana

    I didn’t know there was a #9 contest. :( Guess I have had my head buried in books lately.

    Um… What will the Pope say next? You know, I don’t really pay any attention to him, but he could say women should stay in a perpetual state of virginity so the Holy Spirit can impregnate them.

    :roll: That’s bad.

  • Cade

    “I’m gay, and I’ going to burn in hell for it.”

    “The earth is flat, evolution is false, and Christians predated everyone else. Sherri Shepherd is my close disciple.”

    “Magic man dun appeared in my toaster strudel this mornin’”

  • Robin

    No matter how loopy he sounds, it’s 100% infallible, when it’s delivered to you from a German guy on a balcony.

    When we said “Limbo doesn’t exist”, we meant the dance.

    OK, it may have taken us 500 years to admit it, but Galileo was right after all. In two or three centuries, we might have a handle on the whole “evolution” thing we’ve been hearing about lately. We’ll get back to you on that. Now, have a nice day, but don’t go to see “The Golden Compass” this weekend. We don’t need 100 years–or even to have seen it!–to know THAT”S evil!

  • http://bjornisageek.blogspot.com Bjorn Watland

    This isn’t silly, or creative, but his next encyclical will probably be on love. For some, the concept of love is synonymous with religious experience, in the neither can be proved, and have no material representation, except, in both cases, we know which areas of the brain are activated when experiencing both, and can tell when someone is experiencing either by empirically studying the evidence, and need no verification from the person what they are feeling, generally.

    Anyway, love, the Pope will extol the virtue of the love of suffering. Those who suffer share in the suffering of Jesus, and like Jesus, will be redeemed. Suffering is not an evil, but a trial to be endured with joy and humbleness. A greater evil is desire. The desire to commit sexual acts before marriage is, as St Augustine wrote, like an open sore waiting to be scratched. We must deny ourselves of desire and temptation. The unnatural acts of homosexuality are a mortal sin, against the morals of nature, and not love. We must encourage those who feel the desire to commit these mortal sins to remain celibate and turn their lives over to God.

    Just wait a year or so, you’ll see something like that written.

  • Jen

    “Interestingly enough, I received word today from Our Lord that He wants you to donate money to the Church! Why, I never would have guessed, but He wants you to send money so I can continue to do things both Good and Holy, while wearing my Prada shoes. In fact, He wants 20% instead of 10%. That goes for all of you. I am looking at you, Third World. And so is Jesus.”

    Total disclosure: I saw the Pope in Rome and he looked like he was always wearing eyeliner.

  • Rob

    “Pay no attention to the rash of horrible homosexual child abuse cases brought against the church. Close your eyes to the $48,000,000 my Spokane dioceses is going to fork out in a cash settlement to abuse victims. Don’t think about the ramifications of having a bunch of men who have denied their sexual urges all their life run a school for young boys. Just repeat after me; ‘Catholics are good and Atheists are the root of all evil, Catholics are good and Atheists are the root of all evil, Catholics are good and Atheists……”

    http://insurancenewsnet.com/article.asp?n=1&neID=200701062650.1_43f1002abcd893dc

  • http://limadean.wordpress.com limadean

    Hmm, he will probably appoint Sherri Shepherd to the position of vice pope.

  • Rob

    “Pay no attention to the rash of horrible homosexual child abuse cases brought against the church. Close your eyes to the $48,000,000 my Spokane dioceses is going to fork out in a cash settlement to abuse victims. Don’t think about the ramifications of having a bunch of men who have denied their sexual urges all their life run a school for young boys. Just repeat after me; ‘Catholics are good and Atheists are the root of all evil, Catholics are good and Atheists are the root of all evil, Catholics are good and Atheists……”

  • http://u2019.blogspot.com Thor

    “Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC75FDqQ if you don’t get the reference.)

    “I wear a slightly odd hat.”

    “Dan Brown is an evil man.”

    “Pope is an anagram of ‘the mighty being whom you must obey no matter how stupid his demands are’.”

  • Viggo the Carpathian

    The next brilliant declaration by his Holiness Eggs Benedict XVI…

    The sex scandals that have been plaguing the American Catholic Church can no longer be denied and to prevent future problems we at the Vatican are going to implement a new educational initiative structured on the ever so successful school reform bill passed by George W Bush. We shall be calling our new program “No Child’s Behind Left”.

  • Dysentery

    To help uplift humanity the Catholic Church is going to be taking a bigger hand in international affairs. We need to bring help where it’s needed anywhere in the world and be able to do it fast. Therefore I would like to announce the creation of the Vatican Catholic Navy. We are purchasing several George W. Bush class aircraft carriers. As well, they will be loaded with Archangel jets to bring heavenly payload wherever there is a crisis of faith. Personnel aboard will be with the office of the Inquisitor General (IG) to assist in proper interpretation and instruction in matters of faith.

  • http://www.wotmwatchdog.org MorseCode

    Hey Hemant, just wanted to let you know that I got my wristband in the mail! It’s awesome, and thanks very much. You ARE a friendly atheist.

  • Mriana

    I can come up with one better than the Pope said, but this is strictly for the Pope. Oh, no, I have it…

    “I agree with the Archbishop of Mozenbique, except it’s not Europe doing it to them. It’s non-Christian China’s fault.”

  • Dysentery

    In light of the problems the Catholic Clergy has had in relation to sexual abuse of its priests by failing members of the Catholic body, I hereby institute the following decree:

    All members of the Catholic Church are now required to plug their anuses with Vatican brand glue. This will prevent the wonton and vulgar attempts to seduce and corrupt our beloved priests. Failure to adhere to this doctrine will result in the denial of the sacrament of Communion. No Jesus wafers for you. A long and thorough physical examination of each parishioner will determine compliance.

  • Old Beezle

    Pope:

    The Catholic Church IPO is scheduled for June 6. Blessed by the stockbrokers.

  • Old Beezle

    Pope:

    We are pleased to announce that we have signed Jesus, the Savior of Mankind, to an exclusive 5 year contract. In celebration, we will be issuing limited edition copies of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ signed by God himself.

  • Old Beezle

    Pope:

    To better align ourselves with Jesus’ teachings, we are liquidating all Church assets and giving it all away to the poor and humble of the world.

  • Old Beezle

    Pope:

    I just saw The Golden Compass and LOVED it! It was better than Cats!

  • Old Beezle

    Pope:

    I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the flesh (noodle). The big, pointy hat just helps hide my noodly appendages.

  • the Shaggy

    Benny might say:

    “So, people often say ‘Ratzi, what’s it like, y’know, having direct line to God? I mean the protestants all say they can, but we know that YOU are the guy with the line! to him!’ Well, see, the truth is, I don’t have a direct connection to God.

    “Let’s face it, God stopped hanging with the Humans thousands of years ago. Once we figured out chemistry and physics and other things which make His miracles physically possible and supernatually impossible at the same time, God was all ‘… OIC. Gotta go kthxbye!’ All that old direct-communication style was great for the naive crowd, but the Catholic Church knows Him too well for that. We know that He works in MYSTERIOUS ways, which is what sets us apart from the viscious, cruel, inhuman atheists.

    “Heck, the easiest thing for God to do would have been to pick me directly, but instead He decided that a Cardinal Kegge… Enclave was required. You know how I got voted in? Two falls out of three, the second being a submission hold called the Sharp Shooter. THAT is how God works.

    “So I don’t talk to God directly, oh no. I see Him in everything, like you should. When I’m playing on my Nintendo Wii, and Link totally misses Gannon, I’m like ‘OBVIOUSLY I’m not believing in God enough, and Gannon is clearly an atheist or a Muslim who must be smited.’ When I’m riding my Segway around the Vatican and I happen to notice a $3,000,000 painting of Peter and Paul hanging out together, I’m like ‘God is totally telling me that Gay Marriage is wrong.’

    “And when I’m eating my Cheerios in the morning, and I see all those white Os floating in milk, I’m reminded of how we are all God’s children, little boys and little girls, all of us truly small circles with holes in them. Tight, little holes. Holes which, through the Lord and the Catholic Church, must be filled with God’s milky white light.

    “I see all of these holes, and I become excited. Excited because God has spoken to me, and through me, all men of the cloth, telling me that in His graciousness, we must all spread the word like white liquid, filling the holes of small girls and tight boys and spreading them wide in the sanctity of the Bowl of Christ.”

  • Robin

    “There will be no more discussion of the so-called ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster’ or his ‘noodly appendage’ in the Roman Catholic Church…or I’ll show you a ‘noodly appendage’ you’ll never forget!”

  • http://www.bolingbrookbabbler.com William

    “Even though they like to wage unjust wars, the Bible commands us to only vote Republican.”

  • Luther Weeks

    I say to you that its atheists and false profits like Pat Robertson who do not believe in me that infected our priests with the false love of fondling little boys. The mortgage crisis is God’s revenge on a country that has a Methodist President, and four non-Catholics on the Supreme Court.

  • Rovakur

    It will be his Tricyclical, and the cover will look something like this: http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B000002MT4.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg
    [Grrr...Anyone else have trouble with Vista or IE7 allowing links/scripted windows whilst posting?]

    He will request that eggs benedict be renamed and, having by this time declared spatulas blasphemous, demand a cure for pancakes.

    Citing how positive his life has been, and how every experience has fatefully led him to where he is, he will suggest that all youth–and especially those in a troubled relationship with their bishop–spend at least two years’ conscription in the Hitler Youth.

  • http://mcshaggy.blogspot.com Brett

    Pope:

    Galileo is back in hell. We retract previous papal decrees to the contrary.

    Furthermore, Indulgences are back in. Buy your way out of heaven! Boxing Day savings now! Two years out of purgatory for the price of one!

  • Keith

    Upon hearing of some guy who “sold his soul” on eBay, the church has now reopened the opportunity to purchase indulgences both for oneself and for one’s ancestors. Online purchases available with major credit card or by PayPal. Please visit, popedaddyspasstoparadise.com.

  • http://mcshaggy.blogspot.com Brett

    I’m an idiot. You buy your way INTO heaven, and out of PURGATORY.

    Can my edited entry still count?

  • Karen

    LOL Keith! :-)

  • Mercredi

    “We need to broaden our outreach to fertilized eggs. At least 50% of naturally conceived fertilized eggs don’t implant – that’s half of humanity! Although a corner of heaven is reserved for them, dying before baptism means they are denied the beatific vision – all because their mother’s womb refused to grant them shelter.
    “To the end of saving these souls, we shall institute a weekly baptismal ceremony for the unborn, and require regular attendance of all married or fornicating premenopausal women the Sunday before their monthly flow starts.”

  • http://religiouscomics.net Jeff

    “In light of Matthew 5:28, with this file, I will grind away all the nipples on all the Vatican sculptures and with this paint-brush, I will paint over the offending paintings. This action will complete the pogrom started by Pope Pius IX concerning offensive genitalia and other explicit content in papal commissioned art work.”

  • anti-nonsense

    “I luvs Jesus, Jesus luvs me too. I has jesus and you can has Jesus too.

  • http://www.sexysecularist.com SexySecularist

    “Dude, okay, once it was me and John Paul, and we was hookin’ up with some bitches, yos, and I was shaking up some Natty Lights and was like ‘dude, you gotta spray that shit’ and he was like ‘no man, I got finals for revelations’ and I was like ‘dude, nobody gives a shit, quit being a fag’ and he was like ‘fuck you’ and I was like ‘SHUT UP AND SPRAY DUDE’ and then he was like ‘fine fuck you’ and he pierced that shit and went through like fuckin’ two six packs and he was like “dude, vodka and red bull’ and so I drank a fuckin’ fifth and then he was like ‘STREAK’ and I was like ‘FUCK YOU JOHN PAUL’ and he was like “RATZINGER, like, STREAK, like, fuckin’ STREAK’ and we were running and it was fucking snowing and then this stupid motherfucker slips on the ice, and when he gets up there’s fuckin’ blood cause he tripped and tore his nuts on a fuckin’ tree branch, John Paul was fuckin’ crying like a little pope bitch and I was like ‘quit crying like a little bitch, fag’ and we got in my fucking car and I was like ‘put down a towel, ass, I’m not getting your fucking blood on my Kia’ we had to take him to the emergency room cause his sack was fucking bleeding and shit, and he’s all like ‘this fuckin’ hurts’ and I was like ‘dude, your sack RIPPED’ and they gave him all this vicodin to take home and it was like way more than we needed, so the next weekend we invited over some Delta Phi bitches and we got fuckin’ wasted on that shit, and he wore his fucking pimp hat cause he’s sick like that, and my dawg, he got some palm loving from one of those Delta Phi pigs, like a real fatty, and I was like ‘bitch, you just got pig-handed, fag.’ it was fuckin’ sick.”

  • Robin

    Marriage is defined as the union of one man and one woman. But pre-marital sex is allowed, provided it occurs between one priest and one (or more) altar boys.

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