Which Republican Does God Love Most Today?

Michele Bachmann believes God is on her side today during the Iowa caucuses:

“I think we’re going to surprise a lot of people,” said Bachmann, a Waterloo native and social conservative who is a U.S. representative from Minnesota. She serves on the House Intelligence Committee, which she thinks gives her an edge on national security and foreign policy issues.

“I think it will be a miracle,” Bachmann said in an interview aboard her campaign bus. “If you look at the current polling data, I think we’re going to see a miracle. I believe in miracles and the one who sends them, and so we are very confident about tomorrow.”

Funny. God told me she’d fall in a distant 5th

Actually, God’s calling Rick Perry:

During one speech last week, Perry implied, without quite saying as much, that he felt called by God to run for president. “I have basically been called to serve my country,” he said on Wednesday in Urbandale. “That’s what this election is about. It is not about me. It is about this country.” He added: “Your country is calling you. At a matter of fact, your children are counting on you to answer the call. And the Lord said to the Prophet Isaiah, he said, ‘Who shall I send? Who will go for us? And Isaiah held his hand up and said, ‘Here I am. Send me.’ Your country is calling you today. Your country is calling you to do your duty. And I would suggest and ask that you join me in this mission, that you hold up your hand and say, ‘Here I am.’”

That is, unless Newt Gingrich finally got ahold of Him:

“I pray before virtually every speech and virtually every major decision,” Gingrich said.

Gingrich converted to Catholicism only a few years ago, after marrying his wife, Callista, whom he credits for his faith.

“Callista is a cradle Catholic and grew up in the Catholic church, I’m a convert. But all I can tell you is I find taking communion an enormously rewarding and deepening experience,” Gingrich said.

Or maybe God’s just spreading the Santorum love:

Surrounded by pastors and spiritual leaders on Sunday, Santorum said he was trying to “walk down a path that God is leading me.” “I figured if this is what he is calling me to do, then I just have to go out and work hard”…

This will all be hilarious if Ron Paul walks away with a victory today :)

If you want a perfect indication of how godly-thinking messes with any semblance of logic, just check out this passage:

At a Santorum event in Polk City on Monday, Vicki DeValois, a pre-school teacher, said she felt sure God cared who won the caucuses.

“I think God definitely has a plan,” she said. “He has a plan for everybody and anything.”

Dave, her husband, said he didn’t think God cares about things like the outcome of NFL games, but that he did believe God had guidance to give on the caucus choice.

“It may sound strange, but we pray and seek guidance on an issue like that,” he said.

But if God really had a preference, why wouldn’t he make it unmistakably clear?

“Maybe it is as simply as God saying, ‘I’m not going to make it that simple,’” he suggested.

Or, you know, maybe your god doesn’t exist and you’re just gonna vote for whomever you’d like.

If Iowa Caucus voters were intelligent, they would realize that these candidates are just trying to pander to them. They know if they say the magical G-word, voters will flock to them. Don’t reward them with your votes. Call them out on it instead. Cast your votes in another direction.

Better yet, everyone just vote for Rick Santorum. He would get crushed so badly in a general election — even in America — that I’m actively rooting for him today.

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Anonymous

    So god has a plan, but they think that prayers can influence him. How does that work exactly?

    And they think atheists are the arrogant ones…

  • http://www.facebook.com/keithacollyer Keith Collyer

    The comments by Vicki and Dave remind me of something I heard in a church. The speaker (not the preacher, a congregant) talked about how they had a dilemma (can’t remember what it was) and prayed to god for guidance. “and god did the most powerful thing he could: nothing.” What! She even followed this with stating the fact that god did nothing and left her to make your own decision is proof that god exists.

  • Matto the Hun

    yeah, we don’t even have a plan!

  • Joolz

    I read these posts with a mixture of amusement and incredulity. If a politician in the UK made comments like this in public s/he would be crucified (see what I did there) by the press and seen as a joke candidate by an overwhelming majority of the public.

    • Anonymous

      Which is why Tony Blair wisely kept his deep religiosity to himself. He too prayed on decisions, but he never made a public spectacle out of it until he was out of office

      • Michael

        Which is also one of the first mistakes Brown made. Silly Presbyterian that he kept reminding us he is.

  • Andrew Morgan

    “If American voters were intelligent, they would realize that these candidates are just trying to pander to them.”

    FTFY

  • Liz Heywood

    It’s so strange to remember when I felt I could understand god’s plan for me. I was raised to pray every day & trust my life to god (as a Christian Scientist) until my thirties when I left. I had a series of breakdowns as the way I  viewed the world crumbled; I felt I was losing my mind, and in a way, I was–in a good way!  Now (eighteen years later, fifteen spent in therapy) I regard these people very warily. : )

  • Anonymous

    I wonder what message Vicki and Dave think God is sending when he makes Iowa a terrible predictor of future presidents? Maybe we should ask President Huckabee.

  • Matt

    As a Christian, even I’m sick of all that. I’m to the point that I don’t care what religion they are as long as they will support my right to freedom of religion and every other right we have as Americans.

    I don’t want a government sponsored religion. A quick look at history will tell you that ends poorly.

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    Well, every one knows that God’s a two-timing hussy.   He knocks up Mary, and does he stick around?   No.  He’s out the door before you know, and he even has someone else tell Mary that she got knock up.  Does he even pay child support?   The physical presence of God is absent through most  Jesus life.  At best, God sends his friend, the holy spirit when Jesus gets dunked in the river.   Who knows what Jesus could have been if he had a stable father figure in his life.   Maybe he could have had a stable relationship, and had kids of his own.  Or maybe he would have lived to 34 at least.

  • http://www.laughinginpurgatory.com/ Andrew Hall

    By the looks of it, the imaginary divine friend of the Christocrats will be voting for a Mormon.

  • Ronlawhouston

    You might be right with Santorum, but I doubt very many Republican caucus goers read your blog.

    • TheG

      Did you see the results? Turns out many Iowa citizens feel a Mormon or a fundentalist whack-job is exactly the way to go.

      Hermant, you apart got your wish.

  • Justin Miyundees

    God likes 100 squared Sudoku.  He’s saying, “it’s just not that simple.”  He’s saying, “yes, I could tell you, but then you’d know and it wouldn’t be half as much fun as watching you screw things up so royally.  Me & Jesus sit up here laughing like hell at all the stupid shit y’all pull and Jesus even crapped himself with that ‘mission accomplished’ stuff – think I’m gonna pass that up by telling you the simple truth?  No way!” is what God is saying praise God.

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    Also most of those statements are true.Bachmann is incredibly stupid.  The sun rising is a miracle to her.   So tomorrow, there will be a miracle in her opinion.  God did call on Perry to run for office, because as previously established God’s very passive-aggressive.  And Newt does pray, but if you notice, he does say what the answers are.  God, or even the shriveled voice that was his conscience, might be saying “Shut the fuck up” to him and he simply ignores what he hears.(also second quote is a euphemism.  The word “communion” should be in quotes.) Santorum said he was trying to “walk down a path that God is leading me.”   = Long walk down a short pier.  “I think God definitely has a plan,” she said. “He has a plan for everybody and anything.” =  He has a plan that includes utter failure and humiliation for her husband.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rexmundi71 Aaron Johnson
  • http://twitter.com/AtheistJohnny Johnny

    Better yet, everyone just vote for Rick Santorum. He would get crushed so badly in a general election — even in America — that I’m actively rooting for him today.

    I understand the sentiment here, but honestly can’t agree with this being the best thing for the nation politically.

    First of all, Santorum making it to a run for the presidency would make him feel legitimized. Thus he might easily assume that his bible-thumping anti-gay bigotry is what the entire Republican party really wants. Plus if when he lost, bolster his resolve to pursue it again next election.

    Secondly, we should always want the two best candidates squaring off against each other. Our political system has become all-too-often simply a vote for the lesser-of-two-evils; and it shouldn’t be that way.

  • T-Rex

    None of them will stand a chance as Zeus is pretty upset with all of them for their blasphemy. He will now release the Kracken on their ignorant asses. Hurray Zeus! My apologies to Odin, Horus, Ganesh, Mithra, etc………

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been a registered Republican all my life.  I endorse the limitation of government and pro-business initiatives.  I do not endorse all the party’s ideals, but I don’t think many people do no matter what party affiliation they have.  

    I’m not sure, but this election seems to have more religion in it than before – maybe I’m just paying more attention.  But it’s pushing me away from the Republican base, and I can only assume others are leaving the party for the same reason.  That’s an uncomfortable feeling, yet as an atheist I can’t help feeling good that I believe it’s in part because the religious right feel threatened, and I am glad we are making strides on that front.  

    • Silo Mowbray

      OCRazor, you’re not alone for sure. My wife’s uncle, a long time Republican — he worked as a lobbyist at the state level — has, in his words, “cast myself adrift from the party I once loved.” He identifies as an independent now, because, again in his words, “the whackos have taken over.”

      Speaking as a Canadian small-c conservative, I can’t say I blame either him or you.

  • Anonymous

    The fact that the media is all over this is just wrong on so many levels.  But for our entertainment purposes, it’s a nice laugh.

    I like that you used a Pat Bagley cartoon for this – Salt Lake loves us some Pat Bagley, that’s for sure.

  • Reginald Selkirk
  • Josh

    “Spreading the Santorum” sounds like a sick name for a heavy metal/punk band.

    • Silo Mowbray

      It’s even worse if you consider what “santorum” has been defined as in the gay community, courtesy of Dan Savage. I nearly peed myself from laughter when I read that particular column.

  • The Vicar

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: god is schizophrenic. It not only explains how he can tell five different Republicans to run for President (Cain claimed God told him to run, too), it also explains why Jesus can claim to be Old-Testament-God even though they are radically opposed in tactics and message. Old-Testament-God is what you get when Jesus neglects to take his Holy Thorazine. Suddenly, it all makes sense!

  • Anonymous

    As a side note, in the cartoon above, shouldn’t the divine figure’s thought balloon read, “Oh me” ?


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