Touchdown Jesus Will Soon Be Replaced by Hug Me Jesus

In June, 2010, the Touchdown Jesus statue in Monroe, Ohio burned down:

There’s good news, though, for lovers of Jesus statues.

In a couple of months, you’ll be seeing a replacement:

The new statue created by Cincinnati native Tom Tsuchiya is called “Lux Mundi” or “Light of the World.”

The original statue the “King of Kings” was destroyed by fire caused by a lightning strike two years ago.

Jesus just wants a big hug. And if you give it to him, you will probably drown.

If only his hands were closer together, we could all shoot baskets…

(via Christian Nightmares)

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  • 3lemenope

    Just on an aesthetic level, I liked the old one a lot better.

  • LabSpecimen

    I think it looks like he’s telling us how big the One That Got Away was.

  • Akathealias

    True believers won’t drown trying to hug Jesus, because they can walk on water  just like he did! Matthew 14:22-33

  • C Peterson

    Bragging about that fish he used to feed the multitudes. It was a miracle in his younger days, but by the time he was older, the tale was conflated to the point that no miracle was needed to explain things.

  • Conspirator

    Have they explained why god burned down the old one yet?  Did he just not like it?  Did he want the church to get a new statue for some reason?  Did the pastor sin?  Surely they have some reason as to why an “act of god” destroyed their graven image.  

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Atheist, duh!

  • Conspirator

    Of course, that’s just like us.  

  • Kodie

    He couldn’t believe it’s not butter.

  • Michael

    It was transported to heaven to brighten up the swimming pool.

    I wonder if this one has a lightning conductor…

  • Renshia

     I wonder how hard it would be to disconnect it?

  • Mary Byers

    Heywood Banks wrote a song about touchdown Jesus.  I hope he comes up with an equally funny song about its replacement.  =)

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    The song and yes, it is funny.

  • Richard Wade

    Jesus appears to be looking to the right.

  • too slow

    I dub thee “Lying Fisherman” Jesus

  • DelAnaya

    I go to the Dayton/Cincinnati area periodically on business and sometimes drive the I-75 corridor where this church is located. I always feel uncomfortable in this area. There seems to be a Stepford Wives vibe, with a fundamentalist church around every corner. This one is the most blatant of all, clearly visible from the highway.

    I laughed hysterically when I heard that this outrageous statue had burned down. Maybe lightning strikes twice?  

  • LouisDoench

     Yeah, the area around Solid Rock is all exurbs. 30 years ago it was all corn fields. Now its sprawling McMansions full of morons who commute an hour each morning to work. Fertile ground for megachurch growth.

  • Houndentenor

    Except there’s a giant adult bookstore across I-75 from that church and the statue.  I remember laughing every time I drove past it.  It’s funny that lightning would strike the tacky Jesus styrofoam statue and leave the porn safe and sound.

  • DelAnaya

    one big business wins over the other?

  • Coyotenose

     Free Market in action, I suppose. Or Natural Selection. Either way.

  • AJ

    The old Jesus burnt down because it was Struck By Lightning! I’m pretty sure there’s some commandment that says not to worship false idols. Rebuilding can surely be considered openly defying God’s visible displeasure. If they rebuild this, something bad is sure to happen. Like the legalization of gay marriage or Rush having a heart attack.

  • Justin Miyundees

    Gonna miss the Big Butter Jesus – it was iconic.

  • edgar ayala

    I actually like the borg like Jesus best.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Touchdown Jesus 911 Call – 14 June 2010

  • John A. Anderson

    Bragging about his penis Jesus.

  • A3Kr0n

     Hey, that reminds me!
    Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis

  • Thackerie

    Well, the Bible does tell us he was “hung” … on the cross.

    Possibly he was hung before then as well, but only certain disciples would have known for sure.

  • Marylynne7

    My daughter was at Ohio Camp Quest right up the road when it burned down.  The counselors took a quick road trip, and she now has a melted styrofoam chunk of the Melting Jesus.  

    I miss it – every time we went by, I said what it was crying out to say:  “I’m melllllllltting!”   Although the robot cricket thing that remained after it burnt down was interesting too.  

  • jeffj900

    This Jesus doesn’t even know how to signal a touchdown properly. He won’t be refereeing in Sunday games any more.

  • GeraardSpergen

    Hey – shouldn’t we be seeing a right nipple?

    Also… looks like JC has porked up a bit… usually he has some great abs.

  • M. Elaine

    (BBgun + spitwad)*250 = nipple

    Also, as a graphic artist, I have to point out the horrible faux reflection job on the water.

  • Daniel Parker

    No nipple necessary. Look at his arms. Jesus is wearing longjohns under his toga.

  • ReasJack

    In Ohio we used to call the old one Butter Jesus because of its resemblance to a state fair butter sculpture.

  • thebigJ_A

    Cyborg Jesus showed his true form, and they’re trying to cover it up again!

  • Coyotenose

     Ah’ll be back.

  • Atoswald

    And how much will this new monstrosity cost? How many sick and hungry people could have benefitted from the money they have now wasted twice? Perhaps they should hang a few giant grocery bags from its hands and fill them with loaves and fishes.

  • TrickQuestion

    “Come at me, bro jesus”
    all he needs is a backward baseball cap and a jersey.

  • Cincinatheist

    I unfortunately live about ten minutes south of this monstrosity. Just a bit north of it (also on I-75) is a big, giant HELL IS REAL billboard too. Yeah, I’ve got a lot in common with my neighbors, let me tell ya.

    Also, in keeping with the theme, I’m going to call this one Fourth and Inches Jesus.

  • JoeBuddha

    If this one gets hit by lightning, will the next one be a “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” Jesus?

  • Isilzha

     lol, but shouldn’t it be…”don’t taze me DAD!”???

  • Michael Koch

    At Catholic churches, it’ll be a ”Bend me over the Alter” Geezus…………

  • Robster

    Betcha jesus has never had a shower or brushed his teeth. Why on earth would anyone want to hug the baby jesus? Smelly breath, rotting teeth and nasty BO, that’s before the nonsense starts.

  • Miriam Mogilevsky

    I live near this monstrosity. It was always a joke among my friends, even the religious Christian ones.

  • Gus Snarp

    Saw this on the local news and the anchors actually called it Touchdown Jesus. Man if local TV anchors can’t help making fun of your Jesus statue, you know it’s bad.

  • Isilzha

    Guess they failed to get the message the first time.

  • NickDB

    For the first time in a long time I’m tempted to pray for something.

    Please Please Please may this also get hit by lightning.

  • Gus Snarp

    I think they’re including lightning rods on this one.

  • Sue Blue

    What – they don’t trust God?  O, ye of little faith!

  • Gunstargreen

    I miss touchdown Jesus. This one’s boring.

  • Sue Blue

    To me, Touchdown Jesus always looked like a shipwreck victim going down for the last time in that lake or pond or moat or whatever it is.  The new Jesus looks like a plastic detergent bottle or a really bad clay sculpture done by an untalented kid in ceramics class.   Whoever hacked that one out was no Michelangelo.

  • Kodie

     Mr. Butterworth.