Lies You Were Told…

Miriam has a list of lies she was told when she was younger. Here’s a sampling:

Being fat is the worst thing that could happen to you.

Men don’t like strong, opinionated women.

Your parents know best.

Sex can only be one of two things: Dangerous, or Special and to be saved for The Right Person.

Outside of the obvious religious myths, what would you add to her list?

First thing that comes to my mind: Meat-eaters are bad people.

(via Brute Reason)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Maverick

    First thing that comes to my mind: God exists.

  • Agnostic

    Saving sex for the right person is about self preservation, not necessarily about religion.

    • advancedatheist

      Not to mention that we actually have scientific evidence that sluts make bad wives:

      http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/ 

      • Patterrssonn

        And and you’ve given us plenty of anecdotal evidence that you’re an idiot

      • Coyotenose

         Obsessed with your little pet misogynist narrative much?

    • jose

       And let’s not forget circumcision is good for hygiene and reduces your chances to get dick cancer.

  • Glasofruix

    Men don’t like strong, opinionated women.

    Well… Too strong women (intellectually i mean) are kind of difficult to manipulate, but i like a good challenge :p

  • Pen

    Blatant lie: AIDS is a disease of the homosexuals.  It’s God’s punishment for living in sin.

    • B_R_Deadite99

       Fundies still say it all the time. Of course, the logic defeats itself. Only a fraction of homosexuals have HIV/AIDs. HIV/AIDs can be prevented by condoms, which means that “God’s Wrath” is no match for human invention. Plus, lesbians generally have very few STDs at all. And most STDs are curable. They’re just a trip to the doctor and a jab in your ass.

  • Agnostic

    Men don’t mind strong, opinionated women at all especially if the women can be main income earners of the family.

    • ruth

      Or they resent the woman. 

    • thorny264

      It comes down to each man differently in what he likes but I don’t usually make sure that my girlfriend can provide for me or that she would need too.

  • LinebackerLection79
  • Mike Laing

    A woman should stay at home and the man goes to work.

  • Xeon2000

    I always thought sex was meant to be saved until you were married.  Even after I gave up religion I wouldn’t have sex with my then girlfriend (which is ironic because she was a southern baptist and she really wanted sex).  I met someone else later and obliterated that lie. :P

  • Lydia Schoch

    Forgiveness is a synonym for acting like it never happened.

  • Bennybfromtheroc

    Anything that starts with “God hates…” as any nonbeliever can tell you, God is usually a projection of self and/or parental unit.

  • Buckgoose

    If you stand up to a bully they will disappear in a puff of smoke.

    • Glasofruix

      The smokey part depends highly on the type of fuel you use :p

      The last idiot who tried to bully me ended up with a few teeth less, never saw him again.

      • Stev84

        In my case it was always me who ended up being punished, although the teachers knew perfectly well that the bullying was systematic.

        Also, at best it only kept them away for a little while until they got bored and harassed me again.

        • onamission5

          For me, standing up to the bullies let them know loud and clear where my breaking point was. From then on, they made sure to start at my breaking point instead of working their way up.  Fighting back made the bullying worse, ignoring it didn’t make it go away either. I was, quite literally, powerless. 8th grade was hell.

          Sorry you got it too.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-Evans/1017276335 John Evans

          Oh filth, this. I was so small as a kid there were kids a year younger who were larger than I was. Yet when three of them came at me in a pack, I was the one at fault by default because I was older.

        • nakedanthropologist

          I had the same experience.  Catholic school?

          • Stev84

             Nope

          • Timelessapologist

            Yes, I went to a secular school and I noticed the teachers really didn’t care about pot.

            In fact I don’t think many of them cared too much about anything besides their paychecks.   I also noticed that they (moreso the female teachers) liked hitting on the teen boys and in some cases even did things with them.

            But it’s all good, because in secular schools only 3 things matter.

            Hooking up with the opposite sex
            Watching the Jersey Shore or other drama
            Pot, drinking and partying

            But hey when you don’t have God you have no discipline or a relative discipline and people just do whatever they please as they don’t feel the need to be morally responsible for their pointless, purposeless lives.

            When there is no belief in the afterlife I’m sure it is easy to come to the conclusion that all good deeds go unrewarded and all evil acts go unpunished.  So, it is what it is.

            By the way do you guys know if the Jersey shore will be on again?

            • OregoniAn

              Do your parents know you’re still up this late?

              • RobMcCune

                Don’t patronize Timeless, he’s a rage filled philosophy professor.

                • Coyotenose

                   Rage filled *student*.  He has to be in college. They get that screamy, stupid and self-important attitude after 1-2 Philosophy classes. The ones who don’t go any further remain assured of their super-duber smartikiness, because they wash out before they get professors who shred them*. The ones who do go for more education are eventually embarrassed that they used to be like this clownshoes.

                  My guess is that he is in fact “Guest” from weeks ago, with a few more stupid ideas under his belt from his Liberty University “teachers”. He’s headed for a painful burnout

                  *Or they go to a Christian Clown College like this guy and never get challenged, only preached at and pumped up.

                • RobMcCune

                  I see your point, elsewhere I called him an adjunct professor at an obscure seminary. I don’t think he is Guest, thought they do have the same assholish quality. He’s LeibnizianChristian from a few weeks ago. 

                  LC might have been Guest, Guest ‘left’ shortly before LC showed up, but that would require a change of MO from asshole to asshole plus pseudointellectual. LC also flooded 4 or 5 comment threads in a short time with the exact same stuff, then left until now.

            • Deven Kale

               One word (or maybe three, depending): LOL

            • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

              I’m sure you have a long string of symbolic logic to ‘prove’ that people who don’t believe in an afterlife don’t feel the need to be morally responsible?

              It would be nice to prove that Sweden and Denmark are so much worse off than the US.

            • Alex

               Take your meds. The sooner, the better.

            • Neuron

              Ah, Poe’s Law, how I love you.

          • Timelessapologist

            Oh maybe that was 5 things XD

    • Timelessapologist

      Yes, I’ve been noticing that when I stand up to all the village atheists who constantly pick on Christians the atheists tend to show their true colors and run away.

      • CelticWhisper

        So here you present us with an interesting dilemma.

        By starving you of attention, we render your trolling impotent (like the christian god).

        However, here you posit that our lack of response constitutes running away, which should lead us to believe that we ought to respond in order to show strength.

        However, closer examination reveals that just because you think our lack of response constitutes running away, that doesn’t necessarily make it so.

        See how that works?  Believing something and saying it’s so doesn’t actually alter reality.  So you can believe in that god of yours all you want, but I’ll be laughing at you (in spirit) when you lay on your deathbed and breathe your last, and finally realize that the god you’ve devoted your empty, pathetic life of trolling to was a great big lie all along, and that you’re bound for the same oblivion as the rest of us.

        And knowing that, your comments here go from mildly annoying to downright hilarious.  Please, post more and show us how fervently you devote yourself to throwing your life away for a god that is not and never was real.

      • Patterrssonn

        Feel the wrath of TA’s bombast!

      • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

        Vaguely reminiscent of school children taunting “bwaaak bwaaak”.

    • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

      The only cure for bullying IMO is for everyone ELSE to stand up to it.

  • mints11

    ….Dancing is evil

    • http://twitter.com/FelyxLeiter Felyx Leiter

      To be fair, if you ever saw my dancing, you might agree with that.

  • Piet

    My parents weren’t religious, so there was not much to lie about.
    One ‘lie’ was that I shouldn’t do things that were scary to do.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6OE7LEYELE4MZTVXGZUSVTBFUI julie

    Guys give love to get sex, girls give sex to get love.

  • dissident

    Umm, being fat may not be the “worst” thing , but it’s pretty bad – health-wise, socially, sexually, etc.  And most men, save for masochistic and desparate, do not like “strong, opionated women”, which I take to mean “bitchy and won’t shut up about feminism”. 

    @ Pen above:

    AIDS is assuredly not God’s punishment for homosexuality, but it does have an extremely high prevalance amongst gays.  When it first came about, it was known as “gay cancer”. While I understand opposition to the superstitious element, it’s plain dangerous to reject the connection between AIDS and homosexuality.

    • http://www.facebook.com/abb3w Arthur Byrne

      Fat and happy is better for your health than skinny and suicidally depressed, though.

    • Alice

      Trooooll! In the dungeon!

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

         Thought you ought to know *faints*

    • Pen

       @2d007e9c55cc871bf43877c56d9f4cea:disqus – My statement was meant to say exactly and only that — HIV/AIDS is not God’s punishment for homosexuality.  However I will point out that it was first known as “gay cancer”  – not because there were any reputable prevalence or incidence reports – but because the first cases were documented in homosexual men.  The media reported it as a disease of only homosexuals:

      “Dr. Curran said there was no apparent danger to non homosexuals
      from contagion. ‘The best evidence against contagion’, he said, ‘is
      that no cases have been reported to date outside the homosexual
      community or in women’”The New York
      Times (July 3, 1981).

      …and the public took it from there.  As to whether there is a connection between HIV/AIDS and homosexuality, yes, of course there is.  It can be sexually transmitted.  That also means that there’s a connection between HIV/AIDS and heterosexuality.  And not forgetting mother to offspring, contaminated needles, etc.  As to the actual correlation between HIV/AIDS and homosexuality, I don’t know.  However, prevalence is only useful when you’re attempting to look at the # of cases in a given population at a specific time, and would not at all be useful in trying to establish the sort of connection between HIV/AIDS and homosexuality that I gather you are referring to.  I wouldn’t begin to know how to set up a study that would be representative, while still eliminating (or accounting for with mathematics) all bias, of the homosexual population.  To my knowledge, no such study has ever been performed.

      I understand where you’re coming from, but I’d say it’s dangerous to reject the connection between HIV/AIDS and behavior (in most instances), not HIV/AIDS and homosexuality. 

      If you do have any studies you could link to, I’d be interested in reading them.

      • Pen

         *To clarify, “I understand where you’re coming from” was meant to be generous and give them the out that perhaps they MEANT behavior (i.e. any behavior where blood/body fluids are transmitted) rather than orientation…but re-reading their original comment, perhaps they meant exactly what they wrote. 

        • Patterrssonn

          Great response though and it probably gave “dissident”a headache trying to read it, so definitely not a wasted effort.

    • http://twitter.com/silo_mowbray Silo Mowbray

      The connecting isn’t being rejected; if anything, the connection between homosexuality and HIV has been OVERSTATED.

      Homosexuality doesn’t give you HIV. Bodily fluid transfer does. Lots of heterosexuals engage in anal sex, which is the sexual activity that has the highest chance of transmission. Lots of homosexuals are monogamous, and provided both partners are HIV negative, will have no chance of contracting HIV. And there are plenty of precautions one can take to minimize (and that means to ‘reduce to an extremely low probability’) transmission. It’s not as much the orientation as it is the sex practices and precautions taken or ignored that determines pass-on rates.

    • Cortex_Returns

      Interestingly, some evidence points to social stigma, not obesity itself as the source of obesity-linked disease:

      “Results: I forward four lines of evidence supporting the hypothesis that psychological stress plays a role in the adiposity-health association. First, body mass index (BMI) is a strong predictor of serological biomarkers of stress. Second, obesity and stress are linked to the same diseases. Third, body norms appear to be strong determinants of morbidity and mortality among obese persons; obese whites and women – the two groups most affected by weight-related stigma in surveys – disproportionately suffer from excess mortality. Finally, statistical models suggest that the desire to lose weight is an important driver of weight-related morbidity when BMI is held constant.”

      –Muennig, 2008 “The body politic: the relationship between stigma and
      obesity-associated disease” BMC Public Health

      And it’s not that homosexuality and AIDS are connected; unprotected anal intercourse puts someone at increased risk for contracting HIV, which then may progress into AIDS. You can be gay all day long, and as long as you avoid high-risk sex, your chances of getting HIV are about as low as anyone’s.

      • ruth

        Interesting analysis on obesity, thanks for the reference.

        • Cortex_Returns

          Glad you liked it! 

      • Michael

        Interesting stuff. I could see another hypothesis that obesity is a symptom and that stress causes all of it.

        • Cortex_Returns

          There’s at least a very troubling reciprocal relationship between the two. Stigma causes stress, and stress is known to contribute to obesity. 

      • Patterrssonn

        That makes sense that the social stigma of being fat would have such a profound effect. And also there are contributing factors to obesity that are unhealthy in themselves such as an unhealthy diet or being sedentary whether or not they lead to obesity for a specific individuals. But I find it hard to believe that obesity in itself isn’t also a factor. I recently witnessed a young man in his 30′s with morbid obesity die simply because his organs couldn’t keep up wih his weight.

        Reducing the social stigma of obesity would be great and probably have a huge impact on the health issues and the quality of life of people with obesity, I imagine it would also have an impact on obesity itself. I was going to say there needs to be an emphasis on reducing and preventing obesity as a public health measure but I now wonder if the emphasis should just be on the factors that contribute to obesity not obesity itself.

    • Rose

       “strong opinionated women” probably means won’t laugh at your jokes just to reassure you.
      Oh no the feminists.  How terrible to want equality, to want women to stop being blamed for their own rape or being shamed for their sexuality. Women can even vote these days. How shocking.
      If you are against equality for women I’m sure you’d fit right in at the Catholic church.

    • Coyotenose

      AIDS infection rates are LOWER among homosexuals than heterosexuals, thanks.

      Oh, and your MRA privilege is showing. Go back to YouTube and lick Thunderfoot’s name on your screen some more.

  • David McNerney

    I had to know how old she was… and there it is the in about page.

    Not that there is anything wrong with what she’s saying, but it is from the point of view of a 21 year old.  It would be fascinating to see what she thinks in 10 years time.

    Things that I would see different:
    - You’re parents don’t know best, in fact they haven’t a clue, but they do want what is best for you, even if they don’t know what that is or how to get it
    - I would sacrifice everything for my family – not my parents and siblings, but my wife and kids
    - You should try to make your partner happy
    - Being fat isn’t the worst thing there is, but you will pay for all those beers and burgers you are downing now
    - You can choose to be happy, but you probably won’t
    - College is the best time of your life, and once you leave it won’t be long before you’re desperate to get back
    - Nobody likes anyone who’s opinionated

  • Noelle

    Folgers makes good coffee.

    Mixing cream of mushroom soup with meat, noodles, and vegetables makes a good meal.

    Going out in cold weather with wet hair will give you pneumonia.

    You should pour hydrogen peroxide/rubbing alcohol/mecuricome on open wounds.

    Perms are a good idea for a 10 year-old girl.

    • Lurker111

      Good ol’ purple tincture of iodine on a cut.  That’ll make you dance!

    • CelticWhisper

      George Carlin (may his soul frisbee rest in peace atop Joe Pesci’s roof) had a great bit on parental pneumonia threats.  Never a cold, never “You’ll catch a rhinitis!”  Nope, it was always PNEUMONIA.  That, along with breaking your neck and putting someone’s eye out, was the only bad thing that could happen to you.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        And our standard response?

        “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-what? No, I didn’t say anything.”

      • Noelle

        Thanks for that. I love Carlin, and replaying that bit in my head made me smile.

    • Greisha

       Actually with wet hair in cold weather you really can get pneumonia. If you are really lucky you even can get meningitis.

      It is more nuanced with rubbing alcohol.  It is really good remedy for light or medium burns and in some cases you should use it even with open wounds as a last chance to prevent sepsis. 

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        LOL actually, no. Bacteria and viruses don’t work that way, and rubbing alcohol? Really? No. That’s just gonna dry out the wound and make it take longer to heal (though it will certainly clean it out).

      • Noelle

        Studies show that the best way to clean wounds is with water. Gentle soap and water’s ok. Saline’s ok. Chlorhexidine soap’s used commonly in medical facilities. The idea is to flush out foreign particles and debris. Using alcohol or peroxide kills the cells you need to start the healing process. Antibiotic ointment (or even plain petrolatum ointment) will keep those cells moist and healthy while they do their jobs.

        I can’t think of any way that cold, wet hair could introduce bacteria and/or viruses into one’s lungs.

        • Alex

           Introduce — no, but stress the body and weaken the immune system. That’s why common cold was for so long thought to have originated from, well, cold.

  • Frank Mitchell

    Background: I grew up in a time and place where no one heard of “self esteem” (and would have dismissed it as hippie psychobabble) and sports heroes were the best kind after perhaps soldiers.  (Also, Bill Gates hadn’t invented the Internet yet, and 128K of RAM was HUGE.)  So, here’s a partial list in no particular order:

    - Boys don’t cry.

    - Real men do rugged outdoorsy things (sports and hunting, mainly).  Real boys, too.

    - Childhood is idyllic and children are carefree.  You’ll miss it when you grow up.  [I don't.]

    - Kids bully other kids; it’s the way of the world, and it’s not like it hurts anything.

    - Reading may be fundamental but doing it too much is weird.

    (Portrait of the commenter as a young man.)

  • keddaw

    Don’t put your jacket on indoors or you won’t get the good of it when you go out.

    • Coyotenose

       What… huh? Someone actually said that?

      • onamission5

        LOL, I have heard that one, too. I was told something about wearing warm jackets indoors raising your body temp and then the jacket doesn’t keep you warm when you go outside. It’s bunk, natch. I tested it often as a kid and not once did wearing a coat too long in the warm house make me feel cold when I went back outside. It did make me get too warm and thus sweaty a couple times so I guess if you took the coat off again after going out then you could lose body heat faster. But, uh, yeah. Coats in house, not bad for you.

  • http://twitter.com/BuddyPteranodon Buddy Pteranodon

    Boys bully girls because they “like” them.

    • A Reader

      I heard that bullshit so many times. I wish now-me could go back in time and defend little-girl-me. That would be so kickass :)

  • Octoberfurst

    Let’s see if I can come up with any that haven’t been covered already.

    1) Masturbation is sinful. (Needless to say I spent a lot of time feeling sinful.) 
    2)  Being a virgin until you are married is the right thing to do.
    3) If a boy cries that means he is a sissy.
    4) Having any type of same-sex attraction is perverted.
    5) All boys love sports.  (I didn’t and felt like a freak because of it.)
    6) The Bible is 100% true.
    7) You can be rich if you work hard enough.
    8) Your teen yrs are the best yrs of your life!  (No they’re not!)
    9) Paper airplanes can hit someone in the eye & they”ll go blind!
    10) Marijuana is a dangerous drug.

    • advancedatheist

      10) Marijuana is a dangerous drug.

      The science supports people’s intuitions about pot:

      Persistent cannabis users show neuropsychological decline from childhood to midlife

      • Nathaniel

        So does professional football. Yet we don’t ban that. 

        • Patterrssonn

          Think of all the football players that could have been saved from debilitating brain injuries if only chronic pot use had derailed their careers.

        • Greisha

           It would not be a bad idea.

        • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

          Whether or not we should ban it doesn’t change how safe it is.  Alcohol is also dangerous, and we’re not about to ban that.

      • Dbaker13

        The important thing to note is this looks at cannabis use during adolescence and it’s impact on the brain later in life. It doesn’t look at long term use in strictly adults.

        • http://twitter.com/Noadi Sheryl

           Actually the study did look at those who started smoking marijuana after adolescence and found no negative effect. It also only found the effect in habitual smokers (more than 4 times a week) not those who only smoked marijuana occasionally. Which sounds an awful lot like the effect drinking alcohol has on adolescent brains.

          Supports my opinion that marijuana should be treated like alcohol, for adults only and you shouldn’t drive or operate heavy machinery under the influence.

          • Timelessapologist

            Actually MS. Pot-head

            I think you should take a look at this:

            http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9426205/Cannabis-smoking-permanently-lowers-IQ.htmlNot everyone has to be a pot-head only because selfish ignoramuses like yourself want to promote pot.  Given that you  believe in magical natural universes that come with blueprints to life.  I don’t find this very surprising.

            The fact is, we need stop coddling to pot-heads who can’t go through their pathetic depressing lives without smoking weed.

            It’s pathetic really, but I guess when there is no God everything is permitted.

            • RobMcCune

              You need to mellow out and stop trolling, feel the love dude.

            • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

              Sounds like someone needs to sit the fuck down and toke the fuck up, man.

            • amycas

               I guess we should stop coddling all those people who like to drink alcohol as well. And caffeine. Yeah those people who can’t get through the morning without coffee can just suck it.

              • RebeccaSparks

                Please let us never stop coddling caffeine addicts– even in jest.

      • Alex

         I might be wrong here, but something’s telling me that persistent abuse of just about anything will negatively affect your body.

    • Timelessapologist

      If atheism is correct, then ‘good’ and ‘bad’ do not exist.

      Genocide is not evil under atheism, in fact nothing is.  

      With atheism ‘anything goes’, nothing really matters, because there is no goal in life.  Except maybe if we listen to Richard Dawkins as he thinks we are all here to “Propagate our DNA’.

      cf:  ‘River of Eden’ by Richard Dawkins

      • CelticWhisper

        “The meaning of life is to give life meaning.”  -Arjen Anthony Lucassen

        If you find your meaning in blathering on about Lordy McJesusGod on an atheist blog, then while that is your prerogative, I pity you.

      • Deven Kale

         A persons belief system has little (if anything) to do with whether an action has positive or negative effects on others. Sorry to burst your bubble.

      • Keith Collyer

        ok, ignoring the fact that this is probably a troll…
        - what has atheism got to do with good or bad? under religion, good is defined as whatever is best for the people who give most support to the religion, so genocide of enemies is good (even their children in much of the old testament)
        - what does “under atheism” even mean?
        - http://xkcd.com/167/

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Adam-Patrick/100000027906887 Adam Patrick

    Masturbating is bad for your health(I never believed this one, and if it were true, I’d probably be dead by now)
    Homosexuals have something wrong with them
    Homosexuality is a choice
    Being short is a bad thing(I have always been short and even now am only 5’4″ so this one caused some problems for me)
    Atheists cannot be good people

    • Alex

       Being short and light presents certain advantages in the field of aviation. :)

  • Amakudari

    Most were harmless for me.

    But one in particular I just hated:

    - Being a nerd is bad

    It wasn’t adults who said it, but boy did they do nothing in my particular community to point kids to counterexamples in their alien, grownup world. I turned out just fine—I quickly turned out incapable of fooling anyone—but it would have saved a lot of adolescent handwringing.

    Maybe it’s part of the journey to find that out yourself, but I still feel like I missed out on something by receiving lackluster guidance and intense peer pressure, and that didn’t need to happen.

  • Frank

    There is no God. Biggest lie of all!

    • Greisha

       Why?

  • onamission5

    Mother (and/or father) knows best. (parents are perfectly capable of being mistaken) 

    The adults in your life/your elders only want what’s best for you. (really, some of them want what’s best for them, not you)

    If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. (talk about teaching a child not to speak out against wrong doing)

    You’ll understand why _really unfair thing that happened_ was right when you’re older, aka, you’ll thank me for this later. (I’m grey haired and still waiting for that understanding and thankfulness)

    This hurts me more than it hurts you.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

      This hurts me more than it hurts you.

      Heard that line everytime I was spanked.

      • onamission5

        Me too. Even then in my kid mind I kept thinking, “Oh, so you feel more enraged, terrified, humiliated, violated, powerless and betrayed than I do in addition to feeling my stinging welts and bruises? You being a tad regretful for how you act when you’re angry and having a sore palm is worse than what I’m currently going through? Bullshit.”

        Not in so many words, of course. More in a general fuckyouihateyou silently screamed into a pillow.

         

         

    • Patterrssonn

      “if you can’t say anythig nice…”. Or the modern version, “Don’t be negative.”

      • HypocriteisPatterrssoonn

        This coming from YOU!?! I have yet to see anything but spittle and vile and nasty name calling and foulness come out of you.

        • Patterrssonn

          Hi Panty Sniffer, love the new name.

          • ColomboJones

            Wow, cracked the case there, eh Magnum?

            I alert Higgins and Rick and TC so you can meet them at the club for post case drinks.

            • Patterrssonn

              I love you Panty Sniffer, you’re the best troll a guy could ever have.

  • The Captain

    [In the US] That everyone who works hard can make it.

    We are all treated equal.Drugs are bad.

  • CC

    Just ignore the name-callers and bullies and they’ll go away.

    • CelticWhisper

      What idiot first thought this one up and why?

      If I’d known then what I know now, there are a lot of schoolyard bullies I’d have fought really hard to hurt a lot worse than I did.  Probably would’ve been hurt  a lot worse myself but it beats looking back and realizing that my mother’s advice was completely fucking useless and that I ended up doing nothing to help myself.

    • amycas

       Not true at all.

  • Proudmama083

    who is she and how old is she?  no your parents don’t know best but they have more experience and know better than a child who hasn’t seen enough of the world to “KNOW” much of anything.

    • Troglodyke

      True. Many of the things listed as “lies” in the comments here have been true in other cases, of course. There are exceptions to every rule. MOST adults know way more about life than MOST children/young adults.

      Just because it wasn’t true about you (“men don’t like strong, opinionated women”), doesn’t mean it’s 100% false. “You’re too young to know what you are doing” is another one that is, most of the time, true. 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6OE7LEYELE4MZTVXGZUSVTBFUI julie

      Yes, parents tend to know more than kids, but they are also very imperfect. The problem is that parents try to pretend they’re perfect when they’re around their children and they tell them all this stuff that really isn’t true. The kid just thinks it’s true for years and years before they finally find it out for themselves.

  • Joe_Buddha

    Not said, but: Corporal Punishment is good for you.
     
    Note that I raised two children (mostly on my own) and never had to PUNISH, let alone beat them. Creating a cooperative family was my wife’s idea, and after she died, I put it into practice. Ended up with a cheerful, scarily intelligent, globe-trotting daughter, and a thoughtful, creative son.

    • Anonymous Atheist

      The common verbalization of that lie is “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” -gag-

  • RebeccaSparks

    *If you love your enemies and are kind to those who persecute you, they will admire you sticking to your principals, and eventually apologize for being mean to you and become your friend.

    *Ladies don’t cuss.
    *A college degree will guarantee you a good job.*If you are bullied, it’s because you don’t have enough self esteem.
    *If you are a bully, it’s because you don’t have enough self esteem.
    *There are tons of flaws with the theory of evolution.
    *What doesn’t you doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger.*Make-up is a crutch.
    *America is the best country-strongest, most humanitarian, best quality of living.
    *if you don’t like boys by 13, you’re probably a lesbian.
    *If you work really hard, you can get ahead.

    • ruth

      Excellent list!  I keep hearing today over and over, especially on my FB page the “what doesn’t kill you” line.  Yuck.  Getting beat up by life over and over makes you less resilient, not more.  

      And the like “if you work really hard, you can get ahead” is so much more conservative victim blaming for the underclass.  

      • CelticWhisper

        Not sure I necessarily agree with your point on “what doesn’t kill you.”  I definitely believe that that was your case and my heart goes out to you for that.  I’ve also seen the opposite, though – that being beaten down does make people more resilient.  It comes at the expense of trust in one’s fellow human beings and one’s ability to be hopeful, however.  My own experience has been that ending up face-down in the mud makes me that much hardier, but my worldview has become darker and darker over time.

        Whether that experience begets or follows from a cynical personality is, I daresay, beyond my grasp of human psychology to declare.

    • Timelessapologist

      Evolution in the naturalistic sense actually doesn’t agree with homosexuality.

      You see evolution speaks heavily the SURVIVAL of our species.

      Please L2natural law

      If 150 years ago the whole world was gay, and where no one had sex with the opposite gender, our species would be extinct.

      If 50 men were on an island, and they were all that was left in the world 100 years ago, it doesn’t matter how much gay sex they would have.  Our species would go extinct.

      Evolution doesn’t agree with homosexuality in fact it states it as a mutation.  

      See we evovled with sexual organs, do you know what ‘purpose’ of these sexual organs were for?  Or you do have to keep coming up with BS to deny the obvious?

      So in conclusion, a person who advocates naturalistic evolution should not be for the gays and lesbians, otherwise you are a hypocrite!

      • Coyotenose

         If Evolution was what you stupidly think it is, your goosebumps, coccyx and appendix would have already been wiped away. Why are you so stupid?

        • RobMcCune

          TimlessA has trolled here under the name LeibnizianChristian, I’ll be surprised if you get a response, but expect more sneer and stupidity.

      • Deven Kale

         I think you need to take a little time away from being a troll to study up a bit more on both evolution and homosexuality. I know that, being a Christian, learning about facts and truth is difficult for you but I have faith you’ll be able to break out of that stereotype pretty easily.

      • RebeccaSparks

        Hello!

           While this is blatant (and kinda weird) troll, let me just say that you could improve your understanding of how non-reproductive altruism fits into evolutionary theory.  I recommend Mother Nature by sarah blaffer hrdy but I believe it’s also covered in The Selfish Gene by Dawkins too, and basically every other evolution book written after 1964 .  
          Secondly, if there was only 50 males left living in the world it wouldn’t matter if they heterosexual sex because necrophilia doesn’t lead to viable offspring either. So in conclusion, when you feel more like discussing and less like trolling, please message me and we’ll have some fun discussions.

      • amycas

        Just about everything is a mutation of something. Mutations are not inherently bad thins-it’s  just a change.

        Edit to add: also, is-ought fallacy

    • Alex

       Yep, especially one about college.

  • http://twitter.com/Cafeeine Cafeeine

    Is it strange that I can’t think of anything? My parents very often told me what I could do or not do, but very rarely told me what to think.
    I think the only thing that qualifies is something my dad said about “You won’t meet any real lasting friends until your (mandatory in Greece) army service”.

  • Cortex_Returns

    We’ll be greeted as liberators.

  • Michael

    My own would probably be “You can wear your hair how you like after you leave school”

    Guess who had the biggest forehead aged 18?

    • PJB863

      How about “until you’re 21, you have to do whatever I tell you.  I own you until then.”  

      WRONG!  When I turned 18, I fled his evil clutches and watched him to try make me come back – it didn’t work.

      • B_R_Deadite99

         “He” (I presume your father) said he “owned” you? That’s a whole new league of  fucked-up. This whole parental authority thing has gone a bit too far. Congrats on getting out.

  • MariaO

    You will be allowed to go home next week.
    (Said every week for four months by the doctors at the hospital were I was incarerated as a seven-year old in the late 1950s.)
    This will not hurt.
    (Said by every nurse (but one)  in same hospital every time they were going to do something painful.)
    To my parents: she will never recover and probably not become very old.
    (They were wrong about that one too!)

    Other common ones:
    Bullies will stop if you ignore them.
    You can spell correctly if you take enough care, you naughty child.
    Men do not mind if you are taller than they are.
    Men will not mind if you earn more than they do.

  • advancedatheist

    Atheists engage in swinging, promiscuous sex, like at those conferences. 

    • B_R_Deadite99

       And no one saw fit to give me an invite?! It’s an outrage, I say!!

  • Laura Moore

    It’s okay to not do things you really want to do just because you’re afraid.

    You’re so grown up!

    I never need to worry about you. (mom, you really ought to have worried a bit more)

  • Boots

    That wealth or beauty were in any way related to the goodness or value of a person.

  • http://yetanotheratheist.com/ TerranRich

    “Yeah, well life isn’t fair!”

    This is partly true, but it assumes that existence is rigged to be unfair to all involved. In fact, this is because people are unfair to others, and it’s something that can be changed. But we’re told to accept it, like it’s unfixable.

    • onamission5

      So much this. So much, in fact, that I was coming here to write something very similar.

    • B_R_Deadite99

       That’s always a retarded reply. It’s conceding defeat before a shot is fired.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anthony-Rosa/1059360979 Anthony Rosa

        But… life ISN’T fair. And not all of it is because of human beings. An unexpected disease kills or cripples a close friend of yours at no fault of her own -who chose that? 

        A flood destroys your home. Who caused that?

        Humans are designed in such a faulty way that we can randomly die of cancer as our children watch. Who caused that?

        No one.

        • B_R_Deadite99

          Exactly. It’s so damn stupid when some preacher at a funereal says, “It’s God’s plan, etc….”

          Yeah, making my gramps slowly wither and die of cancer was a great plan. Letting my cousin get torn apart in an industrial accident was some cosmic plan. Bullshit.

  • onamission5

    I thought of a few more…

    It doesn’t matter who’s right
    It doesn’t matter who started it
    All things equal out in the end
    Life never gives you more than you can handle
    You get what you give
    Hard work = success, therefore poor people are lazy
    Friends come and go, but family will always have your back
    I’m doing this for your own good (most often followed by something really not good for you)
    You’re too young to know what you want
    You’re too young to know what you’re doing
    You’re too young to know what you think
    You will see things my way when you’re older
    Divorce is bad 
    Not speaking with (some abusive members of) your family is tragic and you’ll regret it 

    Okay, so more than a few…

  • Annie

    Whenever someone was mean to me, my mom would say,  “she’s  just jealous of you.”  Um, no, she was just mean.

  • Ida Know

    If you see or experience injustice, don’t try to fix it because you can’t.  You should be strong and rise above it (i.e. shut up about it and let it continue).

    If a woman is raped by a man, it must have been something she did or said or wore that caused it.  It’s never the fault of the man who raped her.

    If you pray for a sick or injured person to get well, and do nothing else for them, and they die, it can’t be because God doesn’t exist.  It must be because you didn’t pray right or you didn’t believe enough.

    Atheists just want to be free to rape, pillage, eat babies, kick puppies, jaywalk, etc.

    The reason you’re fat is not because society, economics, and your own
    body are all stacked against you, it’s because you’re lazy, greedy, and
    stupid.

    Life is fair.

    One size fits all.

  • B_R_Deadite99

    Being fat isn’t the worst thing to happen to you, but it’s definitely one of the most pathetic. And nauseating. Seriously, just do some sit-ups people, and for the love o’ christ, DON’T WEAR SPANDEX.

    • Cortex_Returns

      Becoming this douche is the worst thing that could happen to a person.

      • B_R_Deadite99

        Oh noes, I’m a douche for having an opinion. Whatever.

        • ruth

          You are a douche for the particular opinion.  

          • B_R_Deadite99

            So if I find it gross that some morbidly obese women try to squeeze into tube tops and short shorts, I’m a douche? How nice to know. I guess I’m also a douche for thinking that all these high schoolers running around with their pants hanging around their knees are stupid. Or that it’s stupid to tan yourself until your body looks like an Oscar Mayor wiener. Or I can just dismiss the idiotic insults being thrown my way and continue thinking for myself.

            • Patterrssonn

              No you’re a douche for saying moronic offensive crap.

              • B_R_Deadite99

                And you’re an idiot for saying nothing substantial whatsoever.

                • Patterrssonn

                  Keep your pants on douche I’m only trolling ya.

                • B_R_Deadite99

                   Shit, really? I trolled some guy only the other day by posting in AOL English; “Ur just angry cus ur dumb…” I hate not catching it.

                • Patterrssonn

                  Sorry BR, I’ have no idea what you’re trying to say.

                • SigmundFraud

                  Wow are you an angry lil’ sumbitch! Who hurt you to give you so much anger?

                • Patterrssonn

                  I’m ashamed to say that I have no one to blame but myself. I take angry pills.

        • http://twitter.com/silo_mowbray Silo Mowbray

          Hey genius, didn’t you get the memo? You can have an opinion all you like, but if you express it you’re NOT entitled to freedom from criticism.

          So either grow some spine or shut the fuck up.

          • B_R_Deadite99

            Where did I say I should be exempt from criticism? I didn’t. Only problem is, just saying I’m a douche dos not make a good argument. It’s not even an intelligent statement. It’s just an insult.

            “So either grow some spine or shut the fuck up.”

            Your whole post was a straw-man, so why don’t you find something useful to do with your time?

            • http://twitter.com/silo_mowbray Silo Mowbray

              “Oh noes, I’m a douche for having an opinion. Whatever.” Wah.

              I’m not going to explain the subtext for you because it’s in neon lighting. And it’s richly ironic for you to tell me or most of the people here to “go do something useful”.

              • B_R_Deadite99

                “I’m not going to explain the subtext for you because it’s in neon lighting.”

                Translation; I’m not going to explain the bullshit I read into your comment. My reply was mocking that poster’s comment. I did not say, or imply, that I should be above criticism. And of course, you can’t prove otherwise because you have nothing. Furthermore, if you have nothing better to do than sit around putting words in people’s mouths, then yes, you would probably be better off doing something useful.

                • B_R_Deadite99

                  And I find it noteworthy that none of the ‘wits’ calling me names are touching my original comment; that obesity is pathetic, and that the morbidly obese shouldn’t wear spandex. I suppose that’s because it’s so much easier to just call me a douche and a bigot. Maybe one of you should call me a racist next, or a homophobe, or a sexist. The unassailable logic will blow everyone away.

    • Anon

      Ahh the joys of the last socially acceptable form of bigotry.

      • B_R_Deadite99

        Right, because commenting on stupid, self-destructive behavior makes me a bigot. I guess I better not talk about how stupid drug addiction is, or I’ll be an even bigger bigot.

        • B_R_Deadite99

          And I find it noteworthy that none of the ‘wits’ calling me names are touching my original comment; that obesity is pathetic, and that the morbidly obese shouldn’t wear spandex. I suppose that’s because it’s so much easier to just call me a douche and a bigot. Maybe one of you should call me a racist next, or a homophobe, or a sexist. The unassailable logic will blow everyone away.

          • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

            By the time ‘morbidly obese’ came into it, you were only referring to women.  You also suggested that people “do some sit-ups”

            Doing sit-ups will not make one less obese.  It will strengthen the stomach muscles under lots of fat.  The way to get less obese is to consumer fewer calories and burn more calories.

            (yes, sit-ups burn calories, but it’s marginal)

            You’re entitled to your opinion, but your opinion isn’t going to help anyone lose weight.

            • B_R_Deadite99

              “By the time ‘morbidly obese’ came into it, you were only referring to women.”

              No, I wasn’t. In one comment, I mentioned morbidly obese women, although some guys do it too. As for the rest, I was not saying that merely doing sit-ups would take care of it, since there is also dieting to be taken into account (as well as other exercises), but basically, losing weight is not hard. All it takes is will-power, and the longer you put if off, the harder it gets. I was not, and am not, trying to write to write an in-depth exercise regimen. I’m just pointing out that obesity is indeed pathetic. I’m not saying people are stupid, or that I’m far better than they are. I made a point, and several people called me names. Kind of makes me think back to all the debates I had with frothing-at-the-mouth creationists.

          • Deven Kale

             Dude, please, stop being such a whingy asshole.

            • B_R_Deadite99

              Dude, please, stop being an asinine idiot. It’s funny how asking for a logical explanation makes me “whingy”, but I guess this is what I get for talking to children.

  • Antinomian

    Jesus will return..

    • B_R_Deadite99

       I almost said “sure he will….”. Then I remembered the name of the thread, lol. I wonder where the Christian trolls are? Surely they’re getting worked up over this.

  • B_R_Deadite99

    Lies I was told:

    *God is real.
    *The world is only 6,000 years old.
    *Evolution is a liberal/atheist/satanic conspiracy.
    *Atheists are bad people.
    *Western Civilization is a result of Christianity.
    *America is a Christian nation.
    *If you don’t worship god, then you worship yourself/idols/demons/Satan.
    *All liberals are gutless commie cowards who want to take your guns and freedom away.
    *Homosexuals are deviants and are undermining society.
    *Prayer works.
    *Faith is good… for something.
    *A Jewish carpenter turned into a magical Jewish Sky Zombie 2,000 years ago.
    *The bible is the true Word of God.
    *[insert inconvenient fact here] is just a theory.

  • Aaron Scoggin

    “This is for your own good” as they drag you off to church on Sunday.

    • PJB863

      Anyone who tells you “this is for your own good” is lying – a lot.

  • Barb Schaarschmidt

    If you just smile and act like everything is okay, it’s all going to be fine.
    It’s important to hide who you really are and blend in as much as possible.
    Being really bad at something or really good at something is a source of shame.
    Boys don’t like it if you win.
    Everything happens for a reason.
    Being “overemotional” or “oversensitive” is bad.
    Life is really hard if you choose to take chances.
    Life is more fulfilling if you take the easy road.
    Don’t bother to try to change anything…if everyone isn’t on board you are just wasting your time.

    I could go on and on.

  • The Vicar

    Several lies:

    - Everyone wants to get married and have children. And this is a good thing.- Unlimited freedom is the best thing you can have.- Antisocial behavior should be tolerated because it is an expression of freedom.- If we use strong punishment on major crimes — no matter how certain we are of the guilt of the perpetrator — then we are bad as [either the criminals or some other negatively-viewed person or group].- Politeness is arbitrary and useless.- To be polite is to be a doormat.- Teachers are uniformly good, wise, and talented.- School administrators are necessary, and it is entirely justified to hire lots of them, give them lots of authority, and pay them at least as much as — and often more than — teachers.- Guidance counselors are teachers.- Deep down, everyone wants to drink and smoke and take drugs, and the rules against these actions constrain human nature.- If there is something seriously wrong, the authorities will tell us.- People who point out impending serious problems will be rewarded for their assistance.- Everyone running for office is corrupt and/or stupid, but the government composed of these elected officials does what is best for us.- The U.S. Military is well-disciplined and beneficial.- There is a not-really-definable and definitely unmeasurable thing called “emotional intelligence”. This is as desirable as actual intelligence. If you factor both “emotional intelligence” and actual intelligence together, everyone is more or less equally intelligent.- People who write computer programs are uniformly intelligent.- We shouldn’t bother teaching things in schools which will not be used in the workplace or home.- What is popular (in the broad sense) is good and right.- Democracy is the best form of government.**This is not necessarily a lie, but it was taught as brainwashing rather than as a reasoned conclusion, and anyone who attempts to learn enough to be able to demonstrate that it is true is considered to be subversive. It is, you might say, lie-shaped.

    • The Vicar

      Arrgh! Where did all my line breaks go?!

      • B_R_Deadite99

         Edit it.

        • http://v1car.wordpress.com/ The Vicar

          I don’t see an “edit” link anywhere, so I’ll try a repost. (This may be because I just entered an e-mail address and name last time and let the system link me up with my WordPress account.) Under the assumption that single line breaks followed by punctuation get deleted, let’s try it using numeric headings instead, logged in via OpenID, and phooey on Disqus. :P

          Several lies:

          1) Everyone wants to get married and have children. And this is a good thing.

          2) Unlimited freedom is the best thing you can have.

          3) Antisocial behavior should be tolerated because it is an expression of freedom.

          4) If we use strong punishment on major crimes — no matter how certain we are of the guilt of the perpetrator — then we are bad as [either the criminals or some other negatively-viewed person or group].

          5) Politeness is arbitrary and useless.

          6) To be polite is to be a doormat.

          7) Teachers are uniformly good, wise, and talented.

          8) School administrators are necessary, and it is entirely justified to hire lots of them, give them lots of authority, and pay them at least as much as — and often more than — teachers.

          9) Guidance counselors are teachers.

          10) Deep down, everyone wants to drink and smoke and take drugs, and the rules against these actions constrain human nature.

          11) If there is something seriously wrong, the authorities will tell us.

          12) People who point out impending serious problems will be rewarded for their assistance.

          13) Everyone running for office is corrupt and/or stupid, but the government composed of these elected officials does what is best for us.

          14) The U.S. Military is well-disciplined and beneficial.

          15) There is a not-really-definable and definitely unmeasurable thing called “emotional intelligence”. This is as desirable as actual intelligence. If you factor both “emotional intelligence” and actual intelligence together, everyone is more or less equally intelligent.

          16) People who write computer programs are uniformly intelligent.

          17) We shouldn’t bother teaching things in schools which will not be used in the workplace or home.

          18) What is popular (in the broad sense) is good and right.

          19) Democracy is the best form of government.*

          *This is not necessarily a lie, but it was taught as brainwashing rather than as a reasoned conclusion, and anyone who attempts to learn enough to be able to demonstrate that it is true is considered to be subversive. It is, you might say, lie-shaped.

          (And, of course, this failed to post properly. Drat. Let’s see if this edit fixes things.)

          • B_R_Deadite99

            Yeah, Disqus really sucks sometimes. Not as often these days, but every once in a while it crashes, or rearranges all the comments on a thread in reverse order or even random order.

  • nakedanthropologist

    It’s a miracle!  That wafer and wine really are flesh and blood – tasty, tasty flesh and blood.  Also, if anything bad happens to you, God is punishing you; you’re only making it worse if you don’t forgive.

  • Guest

    Being fat is the worst thing that can happen to you?  That’s still being told.  It’s in our media, our culture, our government.  I’d hate to hear that this is really just a myth.

  • PJB863

    Gems of wisdom from an idiot father:

    - Sitting on the ground will give you hemorrhoids later in life.
    - Drinking directly from the faucet will give you mouth cancer and you’ll die.
    - Wearing your (prescription) eyeglasses too much is bad for your eyes – you’ll become dependent on them.
    - Taking your asthma medication as prescribed is bad for you – you’ll become dependent on it.
    - Eating a piece of apple pie will make your acne worse (so he ate it instead).
    - Eating a burger from Burger King is better than McDonalds for your acne.
    - Masturbation will cure acne, but can cause blindness.
    - Sitting within 5 feet of the TV will cause blindness.
    - College is a waste of your time and my money.
    - Learning how to drive a car is a bad idea for you – get a job instead, you’re old enough .
    - I wonder if you’re really my son – you’re so different from your brother.
    - Breaking your foot was god’s punishment for chasing your sister down the hall with a broom – I’m not paying for a doctor to tell me what I already know (or treatment for it).
    - This is a perfect job for you.  All you have to do is sit there and do nothing all day.

    And they wonder why I smirked for days when he dropped dead.  Hehehe.

    • Patterrssonn

      Masturbation cures acne, but causes blindness?

      I would be hoping that #11 is true

    • Renshia

       I just went to the funeral to make sure the jerk was dead.
      I know exactly what you mean.

  • NoRhythm

    *You can change how you feel by acting happy

    5 years later I was diagnosed with chronic depression

    • NoRhythm

       Did I menti0n that both parents who told me this were on medication for chronic depression themselves at the time?

  • AnyBeth

    worst lies that influenced  my life?
    1. You are worthless.
    2. You are evil to your core.
    3. You shouldn’t bother anyone about your problems.
    4. You wouldn’t let a child molester molest you. (Entails the lies that you can prevent becoming a victim of sexual abuse and that becoming such a victim is a choice, something you can “allow”.)
    5. If you let sexual assault bother you, you’re an attention-seeking drama queen.
    6. You should never disobey your parents.
    7. You should always respect your parents.
    8. Your parents have your best interests at heart. (They didn’t consistently. They told me many of these lies, including the ones about sexual violence.)
    9. Your parents are doing the best they can. (No, because they did much better when they were in the presence of non-family.)

    I was told all of these lies before I was 16. Some lies are paraphrased, mostly with relevant words substituted for filler.  (4 was actually “You wouldn’t let him do that to you”, so I paraphrased to give context.)

    Anyone want to tell me 8 and 9 again? All my teens, I was taken to be a liar. See, parents are good (and mine “good Christians”) and things I said meant my parents weren’t good, therefore I must be lying. All teenagers lie and don’t get along with their parents, after all. Nowhere near good reasoning, and it always hurt to hear.

  • Gregory Stacey

    I’d just like to query the use of the word “lie” here- I think that if somebody tells a falsehood in good faith, that’s a pretty strong word to use, particularly if the statement made is not a priori false or without arguments which could be advanced in its favour. Consider carefully whether you’d like to use the following syllogism-
    1. God does not exist
    2. All theists say that God exists
    3. Anyone who professes an untruth is a liar
    4. Therefore, (all) theists are liars.
    I can’t but think that this is likely to contribute negatively to one’s appreciation of other viewpoints and their adherents, and lead to mutual name-calling…

    • Patterrssonn

      No sure how useful your syllogism is as everyone has at some point, intentionally or not, told an untruth.

      • Gregory Stacey

        Yes, everybody has told deliberate falsehoods in the past, but most people aren’t considered to be persisting as “liars” for continuing to adhere to a controversial philosophical position (i.e. on this view to practice theism is necessarily to be a liar at any given moment). My point is that the perjorative nature of the word “lie” here hardly helps irenic debate and leads to agressive and self-congratulary thinking.

  • PeePants

    Feminists are  well-adjusted. 

    I bought into that for about two years in college, then I dated a radical feminist. That lie was soon found out.

  • StinkyLePew

    Single-ply toilet paper works just as good as two-ply…..

    Figured that lie out the hard way. Let’s just say the guys in the carpool were not happy with me that day.

  • FeltUpDuringConfession

    It is safe to go into a locked room with a priest.

    Whoo hoo, did Father Johnson have a set of paws on him. Lying bastards….

  • SlobbenZeeNobbin

    Nuns do not perform fellatio.

    Ah, Sister Anne-Marie and her “duck and bob” moves…..that was a special summer indeed.

  • ShesGonnaBlow

    Patterssonn is sane, well-adjusted and not reactionary.

    I think the record speaks for itself on this one.

    • Patterrssonn

      Thanks PS.

  • DaddyWarBucks

    Money does not buy happiness.

    BULLSHIT. I have been both scratch-ass broke and now, quite flush, and lemme tell you I am so much happier with the money then without! Anyone who says money doesn’t buy happiness doesn’t have any.

    • alt+3

      Actual studies into this suggest there’s a correlation between happiness and income up to a point, but after that point the effect largely wears off.

      My favorite way of putting it is “money doesn’t necessarily buy happiness but poverty absolutely IS miserable.”

  • Giddyup

    Money can’t buy love.

    Tell that to the Girls at the Mustang Ranch…..

  • Ouchies

    Oh that, I caught that on a public toilet seat….

  • glenmorangie10

    Your father will get better some day.
    Your mother will get better some day.
    This is all part of God’s plan.

  • keddaw

    What goes around comes around.

    What’s for you won’t go past you.

    You’re handsome.

  • Timelessapologist

    I’d add that if atheism is true, then the only thing that makes lying ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ is a subjective opinion.

    But if one is going to go that route then we might as well talk about our favorite taste in ice-cream, because that has just as much credibility as asking whether or not lying is ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’.

    • Patterrssonn

      You should write a book.

    • Guesty

      Lying is bad, so yes, that family was right to tell the nazi police they were hiding Jewish families in their basement. Nuanced views on things is equal to immorality!

  • Renshia

    How about;
    Jesus is the answer to your problems.
    Ask and ye shall receive.
    Jesus will give you peace.
    Jesus is the only way to happiness.
     Don’t ask questions they create cracks of doubt the devil can use.
    Your responsible for making me angry.
    It would have been better, if you had told the truth.
    I only hit you cause I love you.
    Preachers have a special connection to god. God talks to them.
    Only Jesus can cure the dark empty hole inside of you.
    Booze doesn’t help.
    Marijuana is a gateway drug.
    20 tequila shooters will kill you.
    Most girls don’t.

  • CelticWhisper

    If you get a chance, can you elaborate on that?  No rush, nothing serious, I just love hearing “escape” stories like that where asshole parents realize their rug of power has been jerked out from under their feet.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    “…and they lived Happily Ever After.” — There ain’t no Happy Ever After, man. Truth is, relationships take work. On both sides.

    “Marijuana is a gateway drug. If you smoke even one joint, you WILL become a homeless junkie.” — This, and the claim that marijuana is “highly addictive” is about all I got out of D.A.R.E. (Anybody else remember those days?) So I like my “catnip”. It has yet to corrupt my soul, curve my spine, or cause the world to stop spinning. let alone result in me using other substances, becoming addicted, or being a bum. I resent the fact that police officers are brought in to lie to children about drugs.

  • alt+3

    Success and hard work are strongly correlated (I now think that the two are at best weakly correlated, or that many paths to success involve hard work but luck is mostly the critical factor, and I consider this the only outright LIE my parents told me as I know they know it’s false).

    Successful people are mostly good and unsuccessful people are mostly bad (in my experience with both very wealthy and poor people I’ve found this to be almost exactly backwards).

    Drugs are bad (I’m personally quite the teetotaler, but I don’t think drugs are bad or wrong, just not for me).

    Things always work out in the end (this is just plainly false on several levels).

  • EivindKjorstad

    I guess I was lucky, I wasn’t taught any of these things. I *did* grow up thinking it was some kind of obligation to be social and somehow “wrong” to be perfectly happy spending a saturday entirely alone in the forest, though. Nobody ever bothered explaining to me *why* exactly that was “wrong”.

  • Mandocommando23

    Jesus loves you.
    Nice girls don’t call boys.
    High school is the best time of your life.
    Santa is real.

  • Keith Collyer

    - jesus died for our sins
    - the death penalty deters murder
    - prayer works
    - santa exists
    - so does the tooth fairy

  • LiarLiarPantsOnFire

    Atheism+ is not about thought control, man-hating or suppression of ideas or behaviors.

    Well, that is a WHOPPER right there.

    • http://twitter.com/m_ethaniel Mistletoe Ethaniel

      Given the thread is about lies you were told AS A CHILD, your response makes more sense.

      • OoofDa

        Oooo…SNAP.

        That was a zinger honey!

  • Mightymeg

    I laughed at the meat-eaters one, and I’m a vegetarian!
     

  • http://twitter.com/m_ethaniel Mistletoe Ethaniel

    *There’s such thing as a tooth fairy, an Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Jesus, and Prince Charming.
    *Black people are dangerous.  They’d just as soon kill ya as look at ya.
    *You should only have sex with someone if you’re in love with them.
    *God never gives you more than you can handle.
    *Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

  • amycas

    So dissident, it seems you equate “strong and opinionated” with “bitchy and won’t shut up about feminism.” Does the same work for men who are strong and opinionated?

  • amycas

     Why did you have to know how old she is?
    And why do you think nobody likes anyone who’s opinionated? I love opinionated people; it makes conversation more interesting.

  • amycas

     I know plenty of atheists in my local group that engage in swinging and promiscuous sex. The thing is, they’ve never harassed anyone. It’s possible to be flirty and promiscuous without harassing and making others feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

  • amycas

     Me too. Also, they told me to pray more.

  • Greisha

    I am going to swim against current here.1. Being fat is the worst thing that could happen to you.                    It is quite a bad thing that could happen to your heath and quality of life.  And very difficult to fight.  I    know because I am trying to fight it my entire life.2. Men don’t like strong, opinionated women.                     Sadly, but many men don’t.3. Your parents know best.               Up to some age point it is statistically true.  Otherwise humanity would not survive.4.  Sex can only be one of two things: Dangerous, or Special and to be saved for The Right Person.                  Call me old fashion, but I think it is true, if the third option is added – meaningless.  Indeed it is my very personal opinion.
     


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