Everyone’s Getting Married the Wrong Way! Except for This Guy, Apparently

I write a lot of articles about a lot of un-fun topics: People doing physical harm to themselves or others, people crying foul because they don’t get their way all of the time, sundry injustices throughout the world, all sorts of awful things.  I try to keep myself somewhat emotionally separated from the stories, because if I didn’t, I would just drive myself crazy.

For some reason, this story, an opinion piece — on FoxNews.com of all places! — just got under my skin.  I should know better, but I just couldn’t help it.

I’m going to tell you about Steven Crowder’s piece and do my very best to not sink to his level while doing so.

The title of his article is “Waiting till the wedding night — getting married the right way” which wasn’t a great start.

Full disclosure, I am reading this from the standpoint of a 26-year-old gal who lives with her boyfriend.  We have been dating for nearly three years and marriage is definitely on the table once our lives stabilize financially.  I love him very much, and moving in together was a big decision that we made together, and I am thrilled that we did.

Crowder and his wife made the (perfectly fine) decision to wait until they got married before they had sex or lived together.  

According to him, they “did it right.” Which, of course, implies that you (you know who you are) did it wrong.

Crowder talks about how he and his fiance were

… judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.

We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.

Well that sucks.  People weren’t supportive of the decisions they made as a couple.  That’s pretty lousy of their friends.

Here’s where he loses me, though:

Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.

Umm… well, that’s quite a sweepingly judgmental statement, Mr. Crowder-Who-Purportedly-Subscribes-To-A-Book-That-Says-’Judge-Not’.  All women who have sex before they get married are “floozies”?  Isn’t that sweet.

And then he dives head-first into the heavy-duty judging.  He tells the story about the morning after his wedding.  He and his new wife were sitting and basking in each other’s warm newlywed glow, when they overheard that the couple at the table next to them had gotten married. too!  Unfortunately, the groom wasn’t going to make it down to breakfast because of a hangover. And this was Crowder’s absurd reaction:

My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck’s “good time” was simply getting snookered. Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.

Quite a leap, isn’t it?! From “he drank too much last night” to “He was blackout drunk from the moment the bar opened! He probably fell into the cake because he couldn’t stand on his own, drunken legs!  He probably ignored the bride the whole night because he was doing shots!  I bet he just punched his 90-year-old grandma in the face!”

Crowder realized that his wedding was so much more amazing because of all of the aforementioned basking; screw those guys who just wanted to have a “big party.”

I’m not here to tell you whether he did, in fact, get more out of his wedding than that “poor schmuck.”  Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.  All I am saying is that I think it’s too bad that someone who felt like he was being judged for the decisions he made with his partner is so very quick to slap that judgment on literally the first other married couple he encounters.

Oh, yeah.  And he ended his ever-so-brilliant piece with this:

Do yours the right way.  If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way.  If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.

Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?”  You’re darn right I did.

You’re right, Crowder.  I “gave in.”  I wanted to live with my boyfriend, because I love him and we have a committed relationship.  We had hectic schedules and we never got to see each other, and I wanted him there when I walked through my door, and vice versa.  It was the right decision to make at that moment in our lives in every way, and it was the best decision I have ever made.  I have no regrets.

Call me whatever the hell you want.  Just so long as you don’t “laugh, scoff, or poke fun” at anyone, because you know how it feels to be on the other side of that, right?  Or don’t you remember the first paragraph of your own piece?

I really hope that we all take notice of this Christian love we see here.

What would Jesus do?

Probs call me a harlot.

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • Bruce_wright

    Looks like Crowder turned his wedding into a “Hey everyone, we’re about to have sex!” party.  How kind of twisted and public of him.  I guess everyone has their kink and that’s his.

    • http://www.allourlives.org/ TooManyJens

       Seriously. For all the douchiness and self-righteousness of that column, this was probably the part that squicked me the most:

      “Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two
      young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly
      give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that
      very night.”

      Your family traveled from far and wide to celebrate that you were going to have sex for the first time that night? That’s such a distorted and weird view of what a wedding is about.

      • Stev84

        I’m not saying this is true for him, but a lot of more hardcore evangelicals marry earlier than they should just to have sex. It’s why their divorce rate is somewhat higher than in other groups.

        • http://www.allourlives.org/ TooManyJens

           Yeah. It’s just a terrible idea to push that as a requirement for all couples.

        • Nigel

          Yup.  Happened to me. Engaged at 17, married at 20, divorced by 23.  (now 53).      Stupidest thing I ever did.  

        • http://www.facebook.com/ronaldtroyer Ron Troyer

          Yeah, I actually posted a long anecdotal response to that article on reddit. I totally agree.

          http://redd.it/105c0h

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6OE7LEYELE4MZTVXGZUSVTBFUI julie

          Almost happened to me before I became an atheist. Happened to a lot of people my sister knew at her Bible college.

  • http://www.theaunicornist.com Mike D

    What’s crazier is that he’s basing this all off of one night of sex. Hey cool guy, give it a year and see if it’s still a magical gift from Jesus. 

    • Antinomian

      My guess would be that his sexual skill set isn’t very magical. 

  • Martin

    Sounds to me like he doesn’t realize his friends were probably scoffing at him because he was more than likely making snide comments about their decisions to do the opposite.

    • Alexandra

      That’s what amazed me – that he didn’t seem to get that the judgement he was getting was because he’s a total douchebag in the first place.  Also, how often does this come up for him?  I’ve never even had the opportunity to talk to my religious friend’s choices re sex, because they aren’t out talking about it all the time. 

      • snoozn

        Yep, it has to be either 1) He didn’t realize his friends were actually mocking him for being a douche-bag rather than for his sexual decisions or 2) His friends are douche-bags just like him.

    • Stev84

      Also because he probably made a big deal about it constantly talked about being a virgin.

    • RobMcCune

       Thats my take too, he seems to have no problem being a complete judgmental ass, but complains about people making fun of him.

  • Alexandra

    Jezebel does a great gif parade version of this article.  It completely made my night yesterday.

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said. 

    Yes, because two virgins pawing at each other with no sexual experience will make for some truly terrific, non-awkward sex.

    You are right though. This opinion piece does really get under your skin. 
    “Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.”

    Umm, why can’t it be both? It’s not like you can’t have a huge party that is not the most memorable day/night of your life. These kinds of people really bug me. The ones that look down on those that decided they weren’t going to wait to have sex with just one person. Who look down on those that live together before they get married. Most likely because they think if you are living together you are having sex. 

    • Jessica

      Thank you for saying so!  The first time I read it, I was palm-sweating mad.

    • Stev84

       Their first kiss probably looked somewhat like this:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp-jZyzQSms

      • Hot like Bea

        Oh my God. LOL

      • http://www.allourlives.org/ TooManyJens

        We don’t need to mock people who make different choices about their love lives to make the point that it’s OK for people to make their own choices about their love lives.

        • Alexandra

          But we do have to appreciate how much their eager awkwardness is exemplified by that kiss.  You don’t have to be mocking to appreciate that.

          • http://www.allourlives.org/ TooManyJens

             That is certainly true. I think eager awkwardness is kind of sweet.  :)

            • Alexandra

              Sweet is a word for it.  I just couldn’t imagine having my first kiss being that kind of public event.  Horrifying is the word that comes to my mind. 

              • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

                Me, either. I’m an incredibly private person, and I can’t imagine being expected to have my first kiss in front of an audience. Sounds like a nightmare!

      • Pascale Laviolette

        AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….  That’s what my friend’s beagle does when you finally put down his food dish.

    • http://twitter.com/FelyxLeiter Felyx Leiter

      “Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.”

       It’s pretty depressing to think you’ve had “the most memorable day and night of your life” before your first anniversary.  I’ll be spending my wedding day celebrating the start of a wonderful future together, not obssessing over my virginity, thank you very much.

    • RobMcCune

      The article appeared on foxnews.com, my guess is this guy’s “comedy” career is just an example of wingnut welfare.

  • PJB863

    I must have done it backwards:  I always had sex before the first date to see if it was even worthwhile pursuing a relationship.

    • Heepsprow

      I’ve always subscribed to this idea as well!  I did this when I met my husband, and decided he was worth keeping around. Twenty-nine years, three children and one very spoiled granddaughter later we are still together.

  • Rick

    What’s more important, picking the right partner or buying a car?
    And yet you’d insist in taking the car for a test drive…

    Sexual incompatibility is a big cause of marital hell and divorce.

    And that guy is a turd.

    • Richard Wigton

        I agree with you completely. (And not because you have the same first name as me.)  :-)   Sex is a big part of any marriage and if you wait until your wedding night to find out if your partner is good in bed  you are taking quite a risk in my humble opinion.  I’m no Casanova but I have had my share of sexual partners and some were fantastic, some were good and some were terrible.  If I had waited until marriage to have sex and I picked someone who was terrible in bed I would be really disappointed to say the least.  You don’t buy a car unless you have given it a test drive. So why wait until your wedding night to find out if you and your partner are sexually compatable?  

      • http://www.facebook.com/eukota Darrell Ross

        Sex is something that can be practiced. If a couple has good, open, honest communication, then even if they are awkward at first, they can bring their sex to new levels.

        The idea that you have to be “good in bed” at the outset is odd to me. It’s like insisting in “love at first sight”.

        Don’t get me wrong, I am still a fan of the test-drive. But I am also a fan of trying everything. I love trying things – adventures. And putting off having sex until marriage just wasn’t high on my “adventure” list. ;)

        • Emily

           It’s not just being “good in bed” that makes people sexually compatible.  What if one of them has a fetish (something as mild as oral sex or as hard core as watersports), without which they are unsatisfied and unhappy?  What happens if, for some reason, the other partner is unwilling or unable to provide that thing (due to extreme aversion, previous trauma, etc)?  What happens if one partner wants sex every day and the other is perfectly content with once a month?  One partner is bound to feel pressured, while the other will most likely feel constantly feel rejected.

          A lot of that kind of stuff you can’t just guess about before you have sex.  You learn these things about yourself through sexual exploration.  And sometimes, not amount of “good, open, honest communication” can bridge a gap created when two people are fundamentally sexually incompatible.

  • Loic

    He did NOT do it right. You are supposed to slip away from the wedding for about three minutes with the blushing bride, and then rush back into the reception bearing a bloodied sheet! Otherwise you lose a lot of cred.

    • The Other Weirdo

       But only if the stones are prepared ahead of time.

  • http://skepticsplay.blogspot.com/ trivialknot

    Being borderline asexual, having sex before marriage is a must for me because sexual compatibility is far from guaranteed in my relationships.  Oh, and because of prop 8.

    But clearly I also do it because I tie my fickle manhood to my pathetic sexual conquests.  I learn something new every day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001627228091 Alexander Ryan

    While I certainly am not totally supportive of getting absolutely shitfaced at your own wedding (it helps to actually be able to remember the day you get married…) I really can’t get behind pretty much anything this guy is saying.

  • Moira

    Apparently, his twitter feed seems to be busy as of late.

    https://twitter.com/scrowder 

    • Moira

      Oh man.  I had never heard of this guy.  He says he is a comedian though.

      So I found this:
      http://youtu.be/sr56_qxmejQ

      Seriously.

  • Tainda

    Anyone that can’t say the word sex, shouldn’t be having it.

    I was married for 2 incredibly horrible years.  I will NEVER do it again.  I will live with someone but I won’t marry them.

  • MargueriteF

    I’m a floozy, and proud of it!

    • Tainda

      I’m there with ya!

    • amycas

       Floozy here! Looks like it’s about time for another Slut Walk.

    • coyotenose

       Hell, I’m a guy and I’m a floozy!

      Or at least I would be if not for the fact that every mutual attraction event I experience involves a woman who was already married when we met. And there’s no way I’m going anywhere near Adulteryville, even as a tourist.

    • onamission5

      Floozies, unite!

    • TiltedHorizon

       I married my floozy, 18 years together and still going strong. Not too shabby for  a couple who did it the “wrong way”….   and the right way,wrong way, naughty way, this-a-way & that-a-way.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=813165390 Annika Raaen

      Proudly joining the floozy-train!

    • Mogg

      Floozin’ with the best of ‘em :)

    • Tyrrlin Flamestrike

      I’m part of the Floozie brigade!  

    • Baby_Raptor

      Floozy here too!

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      Hey, I have needs and desires, you know? Nothing to be ashamed of.

    • Pisk_A_Dausen

      Can I be an honorary floozy or something? Up until now, sex was just a thing I hadn’t done yet. Now I feel like I need to tell the world that the only thing I’m “saving” myself for is the day that I want to have sex. :|

      • allein

        Floozy-in-waiting?

        • Pisk_A_Dausen

          I like it!

  • Grizzz

    This just in, to not be offended by someone getting married and their remarks, do not read them. 

    Yes Jessica, you are 26 years old. It shows. You surely show the misguided notions of youth and the self righteousness that accompanies it.

    Sugar, when you get older you will look back on your tantrums and shenanigans and say “why did I get so worked up over that”.

    • Alexandra

       Ugh, that was douchey. 

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Not to mention entirely unnecessary. *makes “ick” face*

    • Blaphemous_Kansan

      This just in, to not be offended by what bloggers on public websites write, do not read them.

      Yes Grizz, you are old enough to use the internet.  It shows, because you’re here.  You surely show the misguided notions of someone who thinks the internet revolves around them and the self righteousness that accompanies it.

      When you get older you will look back on your posts whining about topics that bloggers choose to write about and say ‘why did I get so worked up over that?’

    • http://www.allourlives.org/ TooManyJens

      If everyone who thought that article was douchey didn’t read it, he’d have gotten three hits. I’m sure he’s enjoying the attention.

    • RobMcCune

       So whats the deal with your tantrums and shenanigans?

    • Levon Mkrtchyan

      Grizzz, I’m just here to let you know that you are not contributing to the discussion.  You chose to attack jessica and tell her how wrong she is without explaining anything constructive.  Since you’re so much older and more mature than the rest of us, perhaps you could share your wisdom?  If you did it without attacking us, we might even learn something!

      Jessica, keep up the good work! I enjoyed the article and appreciate your perspective on this.

    • http://twitter.com/enuma enuma

       What tantrums and shenanigans?  I don’t see either in this blog post.

    • mikespeir

       I’ll be 57 in a few days.  I endorse what she wrote.

    • coyotenose

       Punkin, you should be old enough already to be able to spot the misogyny you ooze whenever you address a woman. You’re looking for excuses to demean and dismiss them. Are you really unaware of that?

    • Lefty Lewis

      “try not to be offended by someone getting married.” 
      “try not to be offended by someone getting married.” 
      “try not to be offended by someone getting married.” 

      • http://www.allourlives.org/ TooManyJens

         Liberals and atheists are anti-family, you see, so of course we’re offended when someone gets married.

    • onamission5

      You know what I think is misguided and self righteous? When people around my age or older speak condescendingly to other people just because they happen to be a little younger than we are.

      Bad form, Grizz. Ageism for the lose.

    • Baby_Raptor

      I’m 26, and I can guarantee you I’ve been through more in my life than you’ll ever handle. And this piece offended the hell out of me. 

      Take your condescension and shove it up your ass. I’ll give  you the lube…Judging by your response to this, you probably need it.

  • beijingrrl

    I really don’t understand this logic.  Except for everyone else knowing it’s the first time they have sex, it doesn’t sound any different from my experience the day after having sex for the first time with someone I was in love with.  I still recall clearly both times that happened.  But equally wonderful are the countless memories of having sex with my partner of 24 years, husband of 15.  If you think no other sexual experience will ever live up to or surpass your first time, I just have pity for you.

    • http://twitter.com/Noadi Sheryl

       Yeah, my first time was memorable but the best? Not by a long shot, we were both virgins and we weren’t exactly experts. I’ve had 13 years experience since then to improve my skills and my boyfriend of 2.5 years has had even more experience considering he’s 9 years older than I am. Sex is like everythign else in life, you get better at it with practice.

  • Blaphemous_Kansan

    It seems to be a nasty case of projection from which Mr. Crowder suffers.  The part about the sexual dominating males being ‘threatened’ by his purity gives him away.  The Christian persecution complex is well-known and discussed, and in the end I believe it is because they are the ones who constantly feel threatened by an increasingly secular society intruding onto turf that was the realm of the religious.  They see a perfectly happy person doing good things in their life without the help of a deity and they feel threatened by the possibility that someone might find peace of mind with their fellow man and the universe without the help of any deities.  With the existence of a deity as a premise in their mind, the only logical course remaining to them is that this person thinks they’re happy, but they’re actually terribly, terribly, wrong.  I wouldn’t know, but I bet that judging a stranger to be a heathen is easier than thinking that maybe your god of choice might be wrong about some things, or might not even exist.

    I’d wager that the same mindset comes into play when discussing ‘purity’ issues of this nature.  The chaste, purity ring-wielding, couple observes a perfectly happy, functioning couple living together (a ‘live in harlot/mimb’ in the author’s mind), and the threat level ups dramatically.  The thought that all the sexual repression, the nights of blue balls, repressed lust, and awkward petting (for which much forgiveness was asked afterward.  Or not) might be all for nothing, well now we’re all just harlots, whores, fornicators and sinners who are ‘doing it wrong’.  Obviously.

    Best of luck in your marriage, Mr. Crowder.

    • Blaphemous_Kansan

      Also, it seems to me that the entire notion of being ‘threatened’ by the sex life of another human being is entirely a religious phenomena.  At least in the context in which the author was referring, which seems to be a sort of checklist of sex acts that all us fornicators keep and compare on the sly, chuckling at our prudish neighbors like Mr. Crowder.  
      I simply can’t wrap my mind around someone who is so intently fixated on the sex lives of strangers, and who is not watching porn at the time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=813165390 Annika Raaen

    Wait a minute. Something doesn’t make sense about this supposed couple he claims they met to so conviently support his stupid story.

    He and his innocent nymph overheard a couple next to them talking about their wedding, and moments later the innocent nymph asks the other former bride where the husband is?

    hahahahahaha Crowder, you really are funny. 

    • Alexandra

      I know, that story is a total fake.  And if it is real, I’m just confused as to why/how they were paying any attention to people at the other tables.  You’d think he’d be too completely absorbed by his new wife to be listening in. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=813165390 Annika Raaen

        Right?? I’m too absorbed in my partners to give a shit what other people are doing. I can’t imagine being on my honeymoon and caring. Unless they’re being loud and obnoxious. LOL

    • coyotenose

       Yeahhhh, I reread that part, trying to see if I’d missed something, but no. He’s a liar.

  • http://benny-cemoli.myopenid.com/ Benny Cemoli

    Nobody can be so fucking saccharine sweet like he is trying to come across. Therefore I regrettably have to give Mrs. Steven Crowder one year in which she will realize what an absolute asshole she married and one year and one day before she hires herself a divorce lawyer.

    (Oh, and why is everyone assuming he, or she  for that matter, is a virgin. Nowhere does it say what they were doing before they met and started “courting”. All it says is that once they met they didn’t shack up or have sex. Think about it.)

  • Matthew McCrady

    No, no, no. He did it all wrong. What’s supposed to happen is that those family members who traveled from far and wide to celebrate the breaking of her hymen were supposed to bear witness to the consummation. It’s tradition! After the feast, the families strip the couple naked and carry them to the bedchamber on the shoulders of the crowd. There, everyone stands around and watches while the new groom initiates his bride. Then the bloody sheet is displayed from the manor’s bedroom window for all to see.

  • http://thefloatinglantern.wordpress.com/ Tim Martin

    The original article seems to be gone. Quick, grab the cache!

  • Glasofruix

    I bet he really enjoyed his wedding night, the whole minute of it and the awkward remaining 8 or 9 hours.

    • kagekiri

      Eh. Even if he WERE amazing at sex without prior practice, and his wife was too, that wouldn’t make him any less of an insufferable jerk.

      • Glasofruix

        I really doubt it was the case ;)

    • Lorimakesquilts

      I’d like to hear her version of how great it was.

  • mikespeir

    They just got married at the end of August??!!  Don’t even talk to me until it’s been at least 10 years.

  • smrnda

    This view of sexuality and marriage degrades marriage to ‘the release valve for all your pent-up sexual feelings.’

    I actually had a friend who told me she was very happy that she had sex before marriage, and her parents were too. If you feel it’s a tragedy to have sex before you’re married, you might end up married at 17 or 18 just because you want to *do it,* unable to think clearly. She told me that once she had sex, she realized that sex wasn’t what changed your life and it was clearly not the high point of any relationship. I just loved it how she explained that ‘I thought sex would change my life until I had it. I was happy I didn’t step into marriage that naive or else I’d think, after the sex, it’s all easy sailing from here!”

    Though on the issue of experience/compatibility, for people who don’t see anything wrong with sex before marriage (I don’t) it makes no sense, I think a bigger factor with these people is the ‘ickyness’ that someone had sex *with someone else*. So, regardless of how the sex goes, it’s all about what’s ‘icky’ and ‘not icky.’

    On being threatened, I think the problem is that these people have to be ideologically committed to ‘the right way’ that the possibility that another way works has to be dismissed out of hand by some sort of mental gymnastics, or by projecting onto other people their own feelings. Guys like this have to believe that the guy who married a woman who wasn’t a virgin is going ‘ick’ every time they do it thinking of the boyfriend she had when she was 16 who got to ‘do it first’ because only the right way is allowed to work.

  • http://mittenatheist.blogspot.com/ Kari Lynn

    My fiance and I live together. We also have sex. I wouldn’t have it any other way. When we get married next year, I’m not going to have the memories of the pain from my first time. 

  • Don Gwinn

    I was ready to chide you (gently) for assuming that if he said he did it “the right way” then he must be saying everyone else was wrong.  I was going to point out that we all have to decide what the “right way” is for ourselves, and that if his decision was to do it in his own “right way,” that didn’t imply that he didn’t understand that other people were entitled to make their decisions differently.

    Then he called me pathetic and my wife a floozy, so fuck that guy.  Crowder is genuinely funny, and I like him, but . . . nobody gets a pass to talk about my wife like that, pal.  

    Maybe I should go read the rest of the piece now.

  • http://fivedollardayblog.blogspot.com/ Ruby Leigh

    I guess you’ve got to do something with that stifled sex drive.  Might as well start judging people! 

    • coyotenose

      *uncontrollable snorting laughter*

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        *giggles*

  • jose

    I think religion has an unjustified focus on sex.

  • snoozn

    Wow, that’s about the most self-righteous thing I’ve ever read in my life! 

    Here’s my view as someone who’s been happily married for 23 years and who lived with my husband for a year before that:

    First, I don’t think we did it “right.” We did what worked for us. Other people have other arrangements that work better for them. I would never ridicule a friend for when they choose to start having sex!

    Second, my wedding was lovely and memorable and a celebration for us, our family and friends. Neither of us got drunk, though again, if other people do because that’s what they want, that’s their own business. Our having lived together in no way made the occasion less special.

    Third, looking back, I have to say it’s not the wedding that’s important at all. It’s the relationship. I don’t think our marriage has been strong and long-lasting because we had a great wedding. It’s because we love each other and are best friends and are willing to work at our relationship.

    Fourth, it’s a bit early to be bragging about how your marriage is the best super-special most perfect union ever when you’ve only been married about a month. I feel pretty confident my marriage is going to last at this point. But I don’t feel like we did everything “better” than everyone else. Sure, we have made pretty good decisions and worked hard. But some people do that and still end up divorced. 

    Good marriages are a combination of behavior and luck, not some kind of competition that this douche-bag just “won.” As for his “Feeling judged?” question — well, no. I mean he certainly is judging people, but I’m not feeling it!

    • http://www.facebook.com/eukota Darrell Ross

      Yes. I should have read a bit further. Your post says most of what I would have said. Thanks!

      One small difference – I ridicule (or tease?) my friends who are nearly 30 and virgins because of their religious beliefs about no sex before marriage. I doubt I will ever feel the energy and vigor I did when I was in my 20s. It saddens me to watch men reach their 30s without experiencing such things.

    • KMR

      This.  I read that the original article when it came out and all I could was that in 25 years he could come back and tell me he did it right.  You would think him being all religious and all the phrase “pride cometh before a fall” wouldn’t be a stranger to him.

  • coyotenose

    What a hypocritical asshole. Not to mention that he’s too stupid to realize that he and his fiancee’s celibacy status could only have been a topic of discussion because they brought it up, kept talking about it and at the very least implicitly used it to judge their friends.

    Jesus, really, what a hypocritical asshole.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Aaron-Scoggin/100000044792747 Aaron Scoggin

    If you don’t move in with the one you love, then you don’t really love them.

    Oh wow, I can make baseless assumptions, too, Mr. Crowder.

    He’s just so jealous of everyone else and doesn’t like his wife or his wedding, apparently. Otherwise, he would just enjoy himself and not care what others think.

    Whoops, I did it again. My, this is easy.

  • Mark Hanna

    “If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is.”
    Because you tried both options and determined that one was better than the other? No, I thought not.

    It’s fine if he wants to say he enjoyed the way he did things, but this guy obviously has no insight into what it’s like to live life any other way, so what qualifies him to say that one is better than the other?

  • jdm8

    Not exactly taking the high ground by calling those that scoffed floozies, harlots, etc.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mypantstheatre the bullet

    One day that poor girl is going to wake up and realize, “Shit.  I just got regular old crackers.”

    Point #2.  Why don’t these idiots seem to understand that EVERYONE is celibate until their wedding day?

  • OregoniAn

    “Schtupping”? “Floozie”? “Harlot”?  . . . “SNOOKERED”???  This guy is no mere judgmental dick. He’s a judgmental time travelling dick from 1956!

    • Richard Wigton

      More like 1856!

  • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

    To be honest, I have a hard time taking the article seriously. These kinds of attitudes always seem so far removed from reality, like they’re from another era. It boggles my mind that so many people are still brought up in such sexually-repressive environments.

  • SteveS

    Harlot/mimbo??? I am guessing he means ‘bimbo’. At any rate, both words only refer to females. Try as I might, I can’t come up with a short, pithy word for a guy who casually fornicates. The gist of this is that he is gloating over his and his brides chastity. The problem is the only way he seems able to do this is to  have ‘pity’ for the people who didn’t do it his way. Unfortunately his ‘pity’ comes across as utter contempt and loathing.

    • Alexandra

       Nah, mimbo is a male bimbo.  Haven’t you ever seen Seinfeld? 

  • Daniel

    Our wedding wasn’t just another party… it was an awesome party with friends and family we hadn’t seen in years.  There was a strawberry margarita machine!  One of my wife’s cousins even wrote us a parody song about how we started dating when my wife (then just a friend) won a trip to Vegas three years earlier and invited me along, telling me there would be two beds at the motel when she had specifically requested one.  

    Our wedding night didn’t really mark any difference in our lives aside from insurance and tax rates.  Of course, we’ve only been married about a decade, so maybe it will all come crashing down when it really kicks in what harlots we were.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6JIXQV3TGH5IONXYV5V44FVLXQ melissa

    None of my friends thought their first time was amazing. I’m waiting for the time being and my friends always want to give me advice. And both parties being virgin isn’t high on their list of suggestions. 

    I don’t think I could marry a guy without having sex first. I worry that we wouldn’t compatible. Sometimes I really like a guy, but the making out sucks. If I didn’t kiss them I wouldn’t know. 

  • Lorimakesquilts

    Thank you.  I felt the same way you felt when I read that judgmental piece of shit’s article.  My husband and I wouldn’t be married today if it weren’t for, omg, sex.  Being friends first (eventually with benefits) is one of the biggest reasons why we got married and why our marriage is so strong.  Mostly he just sounds bitter that he waited so long and missed out on all that extra sex.

  • michael both

    This kind of attitude also dismisses entirely the experiences of a large group of people – those who (shock, horror!) are not getting married for the first time. I recently re-married, and my wife and I lived together for a couple of years beforehand. It would have been utterly ridiculous to have ‘saved ourselves’ until the wedding night, especially – as is commonly the case – that we’ve had other sexual partners after our previous marriages failed and before we met each other.

    I would be curious to revisit this marriage story in 5, 10 and 20 years – lets see if the happy couple are still married, if neither have them cheated on each other, and if they regret their ‘saving themselves’ approach in any way. A marriage is about as ‘real’ as it gets when it comes to a daily life experience, and the best way to make it work – in my opinion – is to approach it in a pragmatic and realistic way. Given human nature , which I personally don’t perceive to be by definition ‘bad’ or ‘good’, a marriage should be constructed in a way that gives each participant the best chance of happiness, and this should even consider the possibility of unfaithfulness. Religious beliefs impose an artificial (and completely man-made) structure on marriage and the relationship that simply isn’t realistic, and that cause a lot of unnecessary suffering.
    Rant over. I shall now make an early morning cup of coffee for my fellow atheist wife, and tell her I have struck another blow for ‘the cause’ on the internets….. ;)

  • Baby_Raptor

    Wow, this is ironic. 

    My fiance is coming down for a week tomorrow…It’ll be the second time we’ve been physically together. (Yeah, long distance relationships suck.) No way in hell we aren’t having sex. 

    Then again, we aren’t planning on ever actually marrying, so…We’re Fucked either way, according to this prick’s views.

  • Amakudari

    My floozy and her mimbo (me), after 6 years of premarital schtupping have spent the last year in live-in harlotry. We just got married and despite all of her happy tears, our families spending time together (we live in Japan, her folks in the Midwest and mine in the South, so this is hard), and the incredible amount of preparation and thought we put into everything, we of course realize the ceremony was meaningless because we had snookered before it. I really wish we could have had a party set to “I Just Had Sex.”

    Seriously, what sort of brain can handle this kind of stupidity and still manage to regulate breathing? I have never criticized someone else’s sex life except as part of more serious worries (like a Christian couple I knew who married in a month to “solve” the problem). The only reason he would hear criticism is if he a) defied the odds and met a whole bunch of weirdos who demand you have sex, or b) brought up his “purity” himself. I’m going with b, based on his logorrhea on the topic. Or c) it never happened.

    The rest is projection and that almost exclusively religious obsession with persecution. He and she alone confront a world of smut peddlers, sexual conquistadors and fang-wombed hags. My wife’s and my lives are diminished even though we don’t realize it, and despite our fidelity and commitment are doomed to a crummier marriage because our private parts touched before rather than after.

    What a douche.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Yeah, yeah, I “gave in” — and I fucking ENJOYED IT!

  • EivindKjorstad

    You’re being overly polite. The decision to wait until you’re married with both sex and living together is not, in fact, “perfectly fine”. To the contrary it’s a stupid and harmful choice that should be avoided.

    It means willingly promise to stick with a person for the long run, without knowing anything about how it is to live together with a person (everyday life is quite different from “dating”), and without knowing if you’re sexually compatible.

    I think a couple should preferably live together and have a sex-life for atleast a year, prior to marrying. If you’re still crazy about a guy after having shared an apartment with him for a year then go ahead. This saves a lot of emotionally and financially expensive mistakes.

    And don’t even get me started on couples who choose to become pregnant before having lived together for a year.

    • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

      I’m not going to knock anyone else for their choices, but I would never even consider marrying someone I hadn’t been dating for at least three years, and certainly living together would be required. When I hear about six-month to one-year engagements, I always think it’s such a bad idea to rush into a wedding when you’re still in the first blush of love. Let’s face it, those incredibly strong feelings for a brand-new partner can fade away pretty quickly. I’d hate for that to happen with marriage and/or a baby on the way!

      • EivindKjorstad

        I’m most certainly going to knock others for their choices. I fully acknowledge that they do have the right to make their own choices both about when and with who they have sex, and about when and how they get married. But the fact that they’re free to choose, does not imply that every choice is equally wise, or that they somehow have a right not to be critiqued for dumb choices.

        Ofcourse it’s reasonable to be polite to people who deserve it, but this joker clearly does not, he bluntly slaps the huge majority of humanity as inferior when in actual fact, reason indicates that *he* is the one to have made a bad choice.

        Marrying someone you hardly know, is clearly not a wise move. Cultures that insist that people do this, are thus creating a lot of needless suffering, which is also not wise. Furthermore, the same cultures that insist that you should, essentially marry a stranger, also tend to insist you should stay married to her/him for life no-matter-what. That’s cruel and inhumane and it absolutely needs to stop.

        I’m flooded with dozens of new examples of humans (especially women) suffering for years or decades after having married a stranger, and it seems very clear that such stories prevalently come from cultures where you’re pushed into doing precisely that. This guy, forms part of that push from one local subculture: that of the devout christian. He deserves all the pushback he can get.

  • Georgina

    All this celibacy until marriage business is just another way of saying:

    “I think I shall be terrible at sex, as I have never been permitted to study the ‘naughty bits’, so I prefer if you too have no comparison by which to judge me, oh yes and lets tie you down with a contract before you find out. ”

  • PietPuk

    I don’t know. He sounds just like a kid wearing ugly checkered pants that his parents made him wear. And now he’s trying to convince the other kids that checkered pants are actually very cool.

  • http://www.quietatheist.com/ Slugsie

    I’ll start with ‘Sample size of one’. I’m sure this guy had a wonderful wedding night, not going to deny that. But he can’t know for sure that he wouldn’t have had an even better wedding night if he and his new wife already knew how to push each others sexual buttons.

  • tjcronin

    Hi there, I agree with the overall position of your article on sex before marriage. However I noticed that:

    Crowder says that he thinks that those who poked fun at him felt like floozies

    but you say that,

    Crowder says that all women who have sex before marriage are floozies

    So there seems to be a mistmatch.

    • Pisk_A_Dausen

      That’s true. His catch-all terms for people who have sex before marriage, are “live-in harlot/mimbo”. Much less judgmental.

      • tjcronin

         Yes – it doesn’t redeem Crowder’s opinion. It is just that the quote doesn’t match the comment on the quote which is directly beneath it.

  • Joules

    Ah, so that’s how one was supposed to get married. I thought it was more of a “Find that person you can’t imagine tomorrow without, the one you meet and immediately start planning the next decade of your lives together (before you’ve even started dating!) fall into a relationship, slip into a marriage and let sex march into the equation whenever it feels like. 

  • http://tellmewhytheworldisweird.blogspot.com/ perfectnumber628

    When I first read that article, I thought maybe the author didn’t know how badly it came across- because I’ve heard other things from Christians along those lines, and I never realized that it was based so much in judging other people. I never realized there was another side to it, until very recently. (I wrote some more about this on my blog: “How NOT to Write About Abstinence” http://tellmewhytheworldisweird.blogspot.com/2012/09/how-not-to-write-about-abstinence.html )

    Anyway, thanks for writing this post with your own experiences- I want to see both sides.

  • http://www.facebook.com/AnonymousBoy Larry Meredith

    I agree with everything in this piece, but one part just felt unfair…

    Umm… well, that’s quite a sweepingly judgmental statement, Mr. Crowder-Who-Purportedly-Subscribes-To-A-Book-That-Says-’Judge-Not’.  All women who have sex before they get married are “floozies”?  Isn’t that sweet.

    Now, you know that’s not what she was saying. She clearly identified the “floozies” as “the women saying those things”. “Those things” being the insults they were receiving for not having sex until marriage. She felt the only women who would insult them for it were women that were insecure about their own sexual history. While that itself is an unfair and sexist statement in many ways, she was not saying “all women who have sex before marriage are floozies,” and you’re smart enough to know that.

  • Caniel Donrad

    I’ve known a lot of couples like that being from the Bible Belt.  I would say a good 40%(at least) have marital problems within the first 2 years.  A good portion of that being spousal abuse.

  • Guest

    The fact this other bride SMIRKS and seems excited to admit that he had a really good time makes me wonder if this is somehow a euphemism for “we had the randier sex ever”. Did this guy somehow miss that it was he upset that he too was not exhausted from hours of incredibly orgasmic lovemaking?

    And why is “things haven’t changed” a bad thing? I say this about my boyfriend all the time, that I hope if we ever go through the whole wedding shenanigan I want to be sure that nothing changes between us because I like just where we’re at. It’s obvious we’re to assume she was upset that nothing has changed, but nothing about the narrative makes it sound that way.

    People don’t use funny euphemisms and positive “good time” type terms when describing their embarrassment or disappointment with their shit-faced husbands. They would say “he got totally wasted, can you believe that?”

  • AFictionalCharacter

    “Well that sucks. People weren’t supportive of the decisions they made as a couple. That’s pretty lousy of their friends.”

    That depends, methinks, on how they communicated those decisions. Judging from Mr. Crowder’s self-righteous screed, I tend to doubt that it was done in a matter-of-fact way. He may well have used his celibacy as a stick to beat others with, thus inciting the belittling, judgmental comments he claims to have gotten in response.

    This doesn’t make the claimed mockery right, of course, but it does make it more understandable.

  • Zamg

    jess, you are jesus’ favorite harlot…


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