We Finally Have Proof of God’s Existence!

Just so you all know, prayer will help your small business. I know this because Phil Ressler says so.

Ressler is pastor of the Illinois-based Lord of Life Lutheran Church — their website address is, and I’m not kidding, LOLChurch.net — and he tells the story of a local man who prayed for his printer to come in the mail:

Jake had recently invested in a new printer to take the next step in his new business. But seemingly this deal was going bad. He had sent the money, but no printer was coming. Everything appeared like he was a victim of fraud. Jake was bitter. He was angry. He was withdrawn.

Jake knew what he had to do. It was to start praying circles around his business. So he made the commitment to pray each morning at 6:30am for the next week. He would circle the city block 7 times in prayer each day for 7 days.

Things started happening. The lines of communication began to open. Previously, he would make phone calls and send emails with no response. Now he was getting answers. There were still problems with getting the order filled, but the picture was more clear. Seemingly, progress was being made. He didn’t have the new printer yet, but he had something more valuable and that was a new heart.

Today, as I write this, Jake has received notice that the printer is being shipped

Well, there you go.

Time to call it quits, atheists.

Turns out God exists. We know that because Jake is getting the printer… that he paid money for.

And you all said there was no evidence for God.

Bet you feel silly now.

(Thanks to @mydontknow for the link)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001627228091 Alexander Ryan

    Looks like somebody told the Fedex guy ‘Godspeed’.

  • http://www.facebook.com/everette.minchew Everette Minchew

    Was he praying to the Canon, HP or Brother god? I have a Canon printer. Will the Canon god provide for me?

    • http://www.facebook.com/don.gwinn Don Gwinn

      That depends. Have you always taken great care to avoid creating inconsistencies in fictional universes, even in cases where different authors and artists use the same characters and settings?

      • Jon Peterson

        Don’t worry, if any of the various authors makes a typo, you can launch him around 200 feet away. Just keep a cache of gunpowder on you.

    • http://twitter.com/IsleFreeThinker John Tait

      I pray to the Canon Gods each time I know I’m running short on ink…

      • Pepe

        And then you go online and buy more ink. The Canon god provides!

    • Glasofruix

      Only if you can sacrifice enough ink cartridge blood.

    • Castilliano

      Haven’t you read the Old Testament? He’s anti-Canonite. ;)

      • trj

        Nah, that was the old LPT covenant which doesn’t apply anymore. Now we follow the new USB covenant.

    • Hamilton Jacobi

      Canon does actually have a god you can pray to, or at least a bodhisattva. The name Canon is taken from the Japanese pronunciation for the bodhisattva Guanyin.

  • OverlappingMagisteria

    The 7 days of circling and praying is remeniscent of Joshua 6, with th walls of Jericho. I left the following comment on their site:

    I am very glad that everything turned out in Jake’s favor, but I have to question the wisdom and even the safety of performing the “Prayer Circles” as you have described.

    The method of walking around a location for 7 days while praying seems very remenicent of Joshua 6, in which this method was used to bring down the walls of Jericho. This method of prayer is Biblically used to destroy cities, not to receive favor from Almighty God.

    You should count yourself very blessed that Jake received his printer and that the entire block did not crumble down like Jericho!

    • Mairianna

      This was a great response!

    • Bad_homonym

      Wow! Reminds me of the time I mixed the rain dance for the eggbeater dance!

  • http://www.facebook.com/don.gwinn Don Gwinn

    Prayer is an important part of a comprehensive printer-acquisition plan. Obviously, the other parts are necessary, too:

    * Select and purchase a printer.
    * Arrange and pay for shipping, if necessary.
    * Pray REAL hard.
    * If printer does not appear, pray harder. Also make the vendor aware of the problem via email, text message, and/or phone calls, and negotiate a mutually agreeable solution.
    * Don’t forget to thank God for taking care of that for you.

    This WORKS. Just don’t get greedy and ask for things you haven’t created, built, or purchased yourself, such as enough food for a starving kid in India. Although, if you give enough money to Responsible Charity, you might have the beginnings of another comprehensive plan . . .

    • http://fractalheretic.blogspot.com/ Fractal Heretic

      Well, you know what they say, “God helps those who help themselves.” It’s actually a clever dodge, because that way you can’t distinguish between God’s “help” and the fruits of your own efforts.

  • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

    Seriously, as we come up to the next National Day of Prayer, I’m hoping someone that can get some media attention (Mr. AtheistPants maybe?) will call for the nation to pray for something specific and tangible. My own pick is statistically significant decrease in car crashes for the day. Honestly, if car crashes on that day were even 50% lower than any other day, accounting for factors like the day of the week, I’d believe prayer works.

    Or about a single amputee to grow back a limb?

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

      we all know god hates amputees. those heathens never deserve his miraculous love.

  • Darwin’s Dagger

    If you pray to the god Amazon, it will deliver your printer without any shipping charges.

    • blasphemous_kansan

      And for a small tithe, you can join the ‘Prime’ sect, and have guaranteed 2 day shipping on some items!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bill.zeblinsky Bill Zeblinsky

    You are a riot.

  • The Other Weirdo

    You know what they say. God helps those who help themselves. In other words, he did all the legwork, but it was God who totally made it happen. Like, totally, man.

    • Conspirator

      This story is kind of the opposite of the joke about the man stranded on the roof of his house during a flood who turns away all rescue attempts because he’s sure god will help, after he died and meets god, god asks why the guy turned away all the rescuers he sent to him.

    • Bad_homonym

      God helps those who help themselves, but got help those who get caught!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chengis-Khan/100003317165064 Chengis Khan

    Dear god, I will be so very grateful unto you, if you can relieve me of the pain that I caused unto myself after I hit myself on my face with my palm. All this happened because of one jake who thinks god manages usps… (wait a minute, perhaps god does!)

  • busterggi

    Yeah, well I’ll believe it when the holes in my socks miraculously heal by themselves.

  • blasphemous_kansan

    This reminds me of the only time I ever witnessed one of those ridiculous 50+ comment flamewars on my facebook feed when an old friend suddenly turned evangelically christian. Like 10 statuses per day of “HOLY SHIT I’VE FOUND THE HOLY FIRE, PRAISE BE TO HIM AND I PITY THE FOOLS WHO HAVEN’T!!”. The guy is (or was) a level 10 hippie and college grad in literature, so there were plenty of FB friends who didn’t share his religious zeal, and it all erupted when he told the story of the hotel air conditioner that didn’t work when he went to sleep, but he prayed on it before he went to sleep and PRAISE JAYSUS IT WORKED THE NEXT MORNING!!!!

    It started with a simple “So I guess you deserved the AC more than the kids who starved to death while you were sleeping deserved food?” and went downhill from there.

    It’s infinitely disturbing to me that a person could believe that the supreme creator of reality would intervene so that they can have a printer shipped, or have some air conditioning, and honestly think that this was truly an important thing on that creator’s mind. It points to a narcissism to which I can’t even begin to relate.

    But, oh yeah, atheists are the arrogant ones. I forgot.

    • http://twitter.com/ikonografer ikonografer

      you’re just an evil narcissist

  • http://twitter.com/IsleFreeThinker John Tait

    I know Neptune is real. I watched the tides change last night…and Thor must be angry for the winds are blowing hard.

  • DenisVengeance

    If you push the elevator button enough times then god will send the elevator faster.

    • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

      Aside: On a lot of elevators, the ‘close’ button is actually not functional.

  • mikespeir

    Well, dang, I’m sold. How does this repentance thing work again?

  • Houndentenor

    I have to admit that sometimes when dealing with an incompetent company it seems like a miracle when they actually do their jobs, but I don’t think this technically qualifies as miraculous.

  • Edmond

    At this point, why even bother with a printer? Just pray for paper to come floating down like manna from Heaven, whenever you need a copy!

  • http://twitter.com/bazblackadder Barry Evans

    A movie I want to see isn’t showing anywhere at my side of the country…Should I ask Sky-Daddy to step in and help? Worth a try, right? I mean this wonderful heart-warming story proves God is real and answers all prayers, so I’m bound to succesful aren’t I ? …. :-P :-P

    Seriously, the height of some people’s ignorance astounds me, what about all those prayers by people with cancer, starving kids, people who can’t find loved ones after a natural disaster.. Why doesn’t God answer their prayers? Why does he only answer prayers for trivial crap.. And some believers call Atheists selfish!

  • TiltedHorizon

    I had a headache today. I prayed to Bayer and swallowed two ceremonial pills. My headache vanished about 20 minutes later. Prayer works!!

  • coyotenose

    Goddammit, why did I have to be drinking milk RIGHT when I read “LOLChurch.net”?

    • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

      Because Satan hates you.

  • fargofan

    He still doesn’t have the printer!! All they have is a photo and he still doesn’t have it yet. What exactly is the miracle or even answered prayer?

    • A3Kr0n

      He has a new heart!

  • A3Kr0n

    God help us when he runs out of ink!

  • observer

    (Inspired by a quote by Douglas Adams)

    One fine day, as I was walking about, I saw a puddle in a small hole on the ground. What was amazing though, was the fact that the puddle fitted perfectly into the hole. Praise God!

  • Randomfactor

    God uses the Postal Service? Somebody better tell the Republicans in Congress.

  • http://www.facebook.com/roger.bauman Roger Bauman

    First Moses parted the Red Sea, now this.

  • Old Fogey

    Back when I was a sysadmin, and computers were real computers, with green screens on huge CRT’s, every so often a typist would complain that the word processor just wouldn’t do what she wanted it to. (Wordstar, so this was quite plausible). I would go to her desk, rest my hands on the monitor in a “healing” posture, close my eyes and say “OK, try it now.”. And whatever she was trying to do would work.

    She always maintained I had a miracle touch with the machine; I never explained that because I was there and making a big thing of it, she was being more careful than usual and just doing it right.

  • Mario Strada

    I often invoke God when I am dealing with my printer. In fact, just yesterday it stopped working and looks like I’ll need a new one. You should have heard how much I called upon God. God Damn it here and God damn it there. Jesus F. Christ and more, yet no help was forthcoming. Do I really have to walk around the block to get his favors?

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

      my mac is acting funny and wouldn’t start today. should i pray to god, or the Angel Jobs, do you think? i can’t really afford a new one just now.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njos57IJf-0

    • allein

      I had a similar prayer session over my computer earlier. Too cold to be walking around the block right now so hopefully the restart was enough.

  • icecreamassassin

    Dear Jake -
    Please start praying at 6:30am everyday to stop children from starving to death, innocent people being brutally raped, and natural disasters from taking lives. If you’ve got a little bit of left over time from the prayer session, please also consider asking for an end to war.

    Thanks!
    Signed,
    The bunches of people donating money, hard work, and effort in trying to alleviate these problems.

  • http://friendlyatheist.com Richard Wade

    We were suffering the worst drought in living memory. We prayed for rain. 13 months later it rained. Prayer works!

  • Lee Miller

    Somehow I’ve never had this much trouble getting a printer. I think this guy is being punished by God for some reason. (Or maybe next time he should just try Staples.)

  • Lee Miller

    PS: Why do I have the feeling this guy’s business, whatever it is, isn’t going to be too much of a success? Do I just not have enough fayth?

    • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

      IDK, it might be crafty business practice to get all the Christians thinking your business is endorsed by God.

  • pagansister

    Good Grief! I’ve been worrying for years as to whether there was a god or not and Low and Behold—-there is! I’m so relieved! If god can deliver a printer when prayed to properly, then anything is possible with “god” :-)

  • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

    We should put him in orbit to pray for the world. But not for seven days. Let’s just leave him up there.

  • Phil

    Rule #1 for getting your prayers answered: pray for the probable.

  • Lagerbaer

    Pff. Now if he had received a million dollars from a Nigerian Prince, THAT would have been a miracle.

  • DougI

    He must have bought the printer from Ebay. It may take divine intervention not to get scammed from Ebay.

  • roberthughmclean

    Is this the thing they call “canon law”? If this bloke is a catholic, perhaps he could get some blood and have his provider of delusion transubstatiate it into some ink for the new printer, that would prove god or some other magic.

  • Greg

    HAHAHAHAHAHA….Im going to start circling the 7-11 after I buy a lotto ticket

    • coyotenose

      I think they call that “stalking”.

  • Keulan

    Isn’t it great how “god’s miracles” are indistinguishable from things that were going to happen anyway? Obviously the prayer was the reason for Jake receiving his printer, and not the money he paid for it plus his phone calls and emails to the company. I’m sure if he hadn’t gotten that printer they’d have some b.s. excuse like “god works in mysterious ways” or something equally stupid.

  • Graham Martin-Royle

    Isn’t it amazing that prayers will be answered if you pray for a parking spot, or if you pray for a coffee during a break at work, or if you pray that the local bakery will still have one of those pies that you love sooooooo much.

    Trouble only starts when you pray for the difficult things, like world peace, like an end to hunger, for a new limb to grow.

    I guess god must be too busy answering all those other, much more important prayers.

  • coyotenose

    Who was that guy a few weeks ago who complained that atheists don’t understand prayer as described in the Bible, that it doesn’t mean what it says because when you become a Christian, what you desire (and thus what you pray for) changes?

    Nevermind that his argument suggests that praying for people to not suffer isn’t what Christians do…

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Jake knew what he had to do. It was to start praying circles around his business. So he made the commitment to pray each morning at 6:30am for the next week. He would circle the city block 7 times in prayer each day for 7 days.

    What did the Bible say about Witchcraft, again? ‘Cuz that sounds an awful lot like a spell-working…

  • Herr von Sohland

    I just say:

  • Herr von Sohland

    Dit dus:

  • Mit

    “Gravity explains the motions of the planets, but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion. God governs all things and knows all that is or can be done.” — Isaac Newton

    • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

      According to an oft-repeated but probably embellished account, when Laplace gave a copy of Mécanique Céleste to his physics-literate friend Napoleon Bonaparte, Napoleon asked him what role God played in the construction and regulation of the heavens.

      Sire, Laplace replied, I have no need of that hypothesis.

      http://www.haydenplanetarium.org/tyson/read/2005/11/01/the-perimeter-of-ignorance


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