With a Pink Mass Involving Gay Kissing, Satanists Turn Fred Phelps’ Dead Mother Into a Lesbian

Fred Phelps‘ mother is having a grand old time in Heaven. How do we know this? Because gay people have been kissing over her gravesite. Every time that happens, the deceased receives an orgasm in the afterlife, provided that the grave has been been the subject of a Pink Mass. A Pink Mass turns the dead person gay, very much like the Mormon practice of baptizing the dead. Only much gayer.

The idea and phraseology come from the Satanic Temple of New York, whose leaders located the grave of the Westboro Baptist Church‘s head bigot, made a pilgrimage to that Mississippi location, and turned Phelps’ mother into a lesbian (posthumously) by performing the Pink Mass.

The ritual involved lots of same-sex kissing by male/male and female/female couples (the Satanic Temple honchos performed the Mass twice, just to be sure). Temple spokesperson Lucien Greaves then rubbed his ball-sack on the headstone, in a special sacrament asking for Satan’s gay blessings. (This link is NSFW, to say the least.)

No word on whether Phelps will feel compelled to rain fire and brimstone on his now-gay mother’s grave. If he does, he might find other gay people making out, as the Satan’s Temple is encouraging same-sex couples to visit the site and pleasure Ma Phelps by “paying their respects.”

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder of Moral Compass, a now dormant site that poked fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards. He joined Friendly Atheist in 2013.


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