All Wet: Rabbis Give Thumbs-Up to Kosher Sex Lube

***UPDATED BELOW***

It must be hard for believers to keep up with all the perfectly arbitrary requirements of their religion — eat this, don’t eat that; wear this, don’t wear that, and on and on.

Luckily, holy men will help guide the confused, so that God doesn’t get too cranky. And so it was that rabbis from the Rabbinical Council of California came to inspect a 52,000 square foot production plant in Valencia, California, to examine the origins of every ingredient used in the manufacture of a brand of lubricant called Wet (link probably NSFW). The burning (or is that tingling?) question was whether the lube made there would become the first to be declared kosher. Says the company in a press release,

As recorded in the book of Deuteronomy over 3200 years ago, Moses gave us The Ten Commandments and the Kosher laws. Since then, we’ve had Kosher hot dogs, Kosher wine and Kosher matzoh. But now, thanks to Trigg Labs, Wet® personal lubricants and intimacy products are also Kosher!

Yay!

What’s interesting about the rabbinical certification of lube is the reason why the holy-men imprimatur was necessary to begin with. After all, as the Guardian points out,

Orthodox Jews spread all sorts of cosmetics over their bodies without checking they are kosher. From soaps to exfoliators, moisturisers to medical ointments, observant Jews can use whatever is sold on the mainstream market without checking its origins.

As it happens, the rabbis’ blessings are relevant only because observant Jews aren’t allowed to swallow something that isn’t kosher. So this is where penetrative and oral sex come together (ha!):

Although Orthodox Jews haven’t been waiting for the rabbinic nod before using lubes, they have been limited in what they could do with them. … This is the first rabbinic innovation to help kosher oral sex. In eight flavors.

Including Strawberry Seduction and — everyone’s favorite — Popp’n Cherry.

Now that’s hawt.

 

***UPDATE*** Nooooooooo!!! The rabbis have gone back on their word, as pointed out by commenter Donatello and reported in The Forward. This is the official statement:

“The Rabbinical Council of California’s Kashrut Division was in the final stages of certifying products produced by Trigg Laboratories. Certification of non-edible items is common in the kosher industry, but the intended uses of these items as now revealed, was misunderstood.”

Maybe they thought it was industrial lubricant with Popp’n Cherry flavor.

“The RCC has rescinded its certification with immediate effect, and deeply regrets the widespread consternation that this error caused.”

Slippery stuff!

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.

  • Donatello

    Tough luck, the rabbis have changed their mind already: http://forward.com/articles/180805/kosher-personal-lubricant-nixed-by-rabbi-group/

    • Itsrealfunnythat

      Aw, no more bjs for them I guess.

    • Tom

      Oh, that’s just priceless – it was all set to be approved, which means there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with it from the standpoint of the actual rules, but they’ve evidently decided to pretend that there is just to stop people from using it, now that they’ve figured out what it’s for (also, is there some kind of medal we can give them for being slow on the uptake?). Could these “divine” rules possibly ring any more hollow?

    • Stev84

      One wonders what they thought the “intended use” was…

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Well these hot dogs are awesome.

    • Greg G.

      Are the steers circumcised or is it just their throats that are slit?

  • pagansister

    Made my day, for sure! (not)

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    Is there, by chance, a kosher mind-bleach?

  • The Other Weirdo

    Sometimes I look at My People® and I worry about the future. This is not that time. Instead, this is the time when I look at My People®, shake my head and think, “Da faque did I just read?”

  • islandbrewer

    But is it Halal?

  • http://friendlyatheist.com Richard Wade

    They have eight flavors including strawberry and cherry. Does it come in tuna flavor?

  • Glasofruix

    Aren’t kosher things supposed to be made in a certain place or by the hands of innocent children?

    • Tom

      I haven’t heard that one, although it doesn’t sound any wackier or divorced from measurable effect than a lot of other ritual cleanliness rules.

  • Psychotic Atheist

    Bah! I knew those guys worshipped a book of friction.

  • Lurker111

    “Let’s exercise our power just to be exercising our power. Also, we’ll get to see just how stupid our followers are.”
    Sheesh.

  • Robster

    Don’t they know this lube actualy comes from a huge mother mary statue outside Memphis TN that weeps yummy sex lube in all the flavors. Randy jewish people, although not big fans of the old mary, are inspired by four fabulous flavors and make the pilgrimage to Memphis on Saturdays, on their way to Graceland to get supplies. The fact that the product was at least momentarily kosher was met with a huge outpouring of something best not spoken of. Does anyone know if it’s vitamin enriched?

  • lazerhaze

    This enforces my belief that religion is a backward and unnecessary social construct that does some good locally (but not without providing a healthy dose of emotional blackmail and guilt via the act of proselytizing to those they help) but that overall causes more harm than good.

  • DavidMHart

    Does Jewish lubricant make you jubilant?

  • Stian Sæther

    I think the funniest part is the name “Poppn’ cherry”. “Cause you probably gonna need extra lube when you’re gonna pop someone’s cherry!” … :D

  • pagansister

    Can’t even trust the Rabbi’s now? Going back on their word! OMG!


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