Are You Married? Do You Text Non-Spousal Members of the Opposite Sex? Why Do You Hate Jesus?

TEXTING! We all do it — and it just may be the world’s greatest invention ever for people who hate talking on the phone or spelling out the word “you.” But did you realize that your innocent texting habit could open the door to a brazen life of adultery and sin?

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According to an article in Relevant Magazine by Zack Carter, assistant professor of Interpersonal Communication at Taylor University, it most certainly can — and good Christians should avoid texting someone of the opposite sex at all costs! Because it’s practically the same thing as (gasp!) inviting that person into your bedroom.

Ask yourself: If you were at home and your spouse was not, would you invite over someone of the opposite sex, to have a conversation in the privacy of your bedroom? Especially in the privacy of your bedroom with the door locked and window shades drawn? Most likely — and hopefully — your answer is a firm, “No!”

But if I were to ask if you regularly texted with the opposite sex, the answer may not be the same.

First of all, if no one is home, why are you bothering to lock the door to your bedroom? There’s only one reason for that: Someone is trying to murder you. In which case, it’s a good thing someone’s in that bedroom with you. Safety in numbers.

Otherwise, if you’re not trying to bang someone, maybe you have good reason for having a conversation in the bedroom. Maybe that’s the area of your apartment where you smoke? Maybe you’ve got kids and want to have a conversation about an adult thing that kids don’t need to be privy to? Maybe that’s where your record collection is. Maybe they are going to a costume ball as Manos Hands of Fate and wish to borrow your 1940s silk kimono. Maybe your only TV with the Roku is in your bedroom and you wish to watch bad ’80s horror movies and your husband or fella does not care for that particular genre. The possibilities are endless!

But it’s on the assumption that no one would ever do such a thing that Carter lays out his case for why texting someone of the opposite sex is the gateway to adultery.

(Full disclosure: I am typing this article while sitting on my bed, quod erat demonstrandum, I am adultery-ing all of you right now. WOAH. This sure is a very sexy time we are all having!)

Carter explains:

Unfortunately, there is a false sense of security that exists in cell-phone text messaging: It almost always feels as though the words sent and received in a text will not venture into dangerous open waters. The reality is a text message is open water. There is no shallow end to stand on or wall to grab onto. What is sent and received in a text-based world can easily trigger our deepest, darkest feelings and desires, surfacing them in a conversation that began harmlessly.

Oh yeah, let me tell you — nothing triggers my deepest darkest desires like having a convo with my landlord about replacing the filter on my furnace! Or like a recent textual conversation I recently had with my best friend (who is, shockingly enough, a heterosexual male person) about which Dakota is the worst Dakota. OOOOH! So sexy! Too hot for TV!

Judging by his interpretation of how texting works, Carter is either covering up for a recent affair of his own, or is a possessive and jealous weirdo when it comes to other men his wife or girlfriend may interact with. Judging by his advice for how to remain wholesome in the time of texting, I am guessing it is the latter.

Avoid giving your phone number to the opposite sex. If it is necessary to keep in touch with them, have your spouse give their number to them.

Yes, nothing says “We sure have a stable and trusting relationship” like “Oh, you can only contact me through my spouse!”

If you receive a text message from someone of the opposite sex, choose to respond by calling them immediately instead of responding through text. Making a phone call communicates to them that you would prefer speaking over the phone instead of via text.

But what about phone sex? Isn’t that a thing? You could totally still have that. What if you return your neighbor’s text about whether or not you can feed his fish while he is on vacation with a phone call and then he asks you what you are wearing? What then, Zack Carter?

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Carter isn’t just concerned about your text messages, of course. He also has great tips for making your email as awkward as humanly possible.

Treat your private email like you would a text message. It’s understandable that you might not be legally permitted to Cc your spouse on a work email to the opposite sex, but when you are communicating from your private email with the opposite sex, copy your spouse. This provides transparency between you and your spouse and also communicates to the opposite sex your desire to keep communication public.

How would that even go?

Dear Ralph,

Here is the boeuf bourguignon recipe I promised you! My husband is CC’d on this, so please do not respond with a picture of your penis, as I am certain you normally would when someone sends you a recipe for a thing.

Love to Betty and the kids! Praise Jesus!

Gladys

Yes, and then you should probably share a Facebook profile, because that is always a sign of a strong and healthy relationship that definitely isn’t weird or anything. That way, you don’t even have to tag your spouse when you post “Watching ‘Leave Her To Heaven!’ #RelationshipGoals” as your status.

Next up, perhaps Carter will write a column detailing the correct response for when your whore of a wife is being just a little too friendly with the supermarket cashier? One can only dream.

(Top image via Shutterstock)

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