Washington DC – As controversies engulf the White House, President Trump and NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal brought together the best and the brightest flat earthers for a charity dinner to celebrate the Super-PAC American Bi-coastal Strategic Union for Resurrecting Democracy (ABSURD).
The Super-PAC formed in 2015 to promote the interests of the Flat Earth Society, young earth creationists, and anti-vaxxers. During the 2016 presidential election, the organization supported then candidate Trump. Many political experts noted at the time Mr. Trump declared himself a flat earther to gain campaign contributions and free coupons for Chik-fil-A.
Shaquille O’Neal co-hosted the white tie event. When he addressed the crowd, the NBA legend stated that the dinner was his official coming out party as a believer in the true shape of the planet – a frisbee.
The following is an excerpt from Mr. Shaq’s public comments:
“It’s true. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. Yes, it is. Listen, there are three ways to manipulate the mind — what you read, what you see and what you hear. In school, first thing they teach us is, ‘Oh, Columbus discovered America,’ but when he got there, there were some fair-skinned people with the long hair smoking on the peace pipes. So, what does that tell you? Columbus didn’t discover America. So, listen, I drive from coast to coast, and this s*** is flat to me. I’m just saying. I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity, have you looked outside Atlanta lately and seen all these buildings? You mean to tell me that China is under us? China is under us? It’s not. The world is flat.”
The mainstream media were locked out of the dinner. However, The Flat Earth Gazette covered the event via Instagram Live, Facebook, and live streamed it on their YouTube channel. Ever since President Trump kicked out CNN from press conferences and replaced them with The Flat Earth Gazette, the news outlet has been competing head-to-head with Breitbart News for the hallowed demographic of “people who just don’t get it.”Anonymous sources state that millions were raised for Secretary of Education Betsy Devos’ push to end the tyranny of “round earth jihadists” in America’s classrooms. “Our dream of a flat globe in every class will soon be a reality,” stated flat earther, Andrew Canard.
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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog no one reads, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books no one reads, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . There are rumors his stand-up is funny. When he isn’t shouting at the darkness on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook he is showing his kids how not to behave.
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