Reverend Clayton is new to the team but is incredibly popular with co-workers. Kellyanne Conway is reported to be impressed with her new friend’s encyclopedic knowledge of biblical alternative facts. White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci reportedly remarked, “He’s OK for a f*cking Jesus guy.” Underlings of Mr. Scaramucci state that was the nicest thing their boss has said about anyone ever.
Who is Reverend Johnny?
Known as Reverend Johnny around the White House water cooler, this man of God hails from a family line of dirt farmers and preacher-men.
Andrew Canard is a long time family friend and is well acquainted with several generations of Claytons:
Johnny’s dad had a beet farm for a few years before taking on the business of saving souls. I think it was his wife who told him the beet business wasn’t a respectable way to feed their children. Their kids were getting picked on awfully at school for their beet sandwiches and smoothies.
Sadly, even to this day, Reverend Johnny can’t stand to look a beet in the eye.
The family soon followed the father Clayton all around the country. He poured heavenly anointings at tent revivals, garage revivals, and, yes, even one impromptu revival at a Chik-fil-A.
The younger Clayton saw his dad’s non-beet success and knew he needed to join the family business.
A Normal Ministry
After high school, the future Reverend Johnny went to Richard Moody’s Travelling Carnival of Ministry University. This place of higher learning taught their students doctrine and theology under the big top during the day. At night the school preached the word of God to locals.
Looking back on his education, Reverend Johnny stated, “I learned the infallible Bible word for word and learned how to give communion dressed as a clown while driving one of those wee motorcycles.”
After graduating he toured the country healing the sick as well as casting out the demons of high-speed Internet and high SAT scores. Life was tough as a traveling preacher. Although he loved the work he often got paid only in gratitude and Chik-fil-A sandwiches.
Reverend Johnny’s ministry was limping along until the fateful day when he didn’t go get a chicken sandwich and decided to go burrito.
“It was a boiling hot day, as I recall,” Johnny told this reporter. “I ordered a beef loco burrito. It set my soul and my lower gastrointestinal tract on fire.”
In the men’s room of that very same Taco Bell Jesus manifested himself and informed the man of God of heaven’s gated community. Not only were there gates, but the walls were 100% Trump Walls with Christo-Mexicans in the never-to-be-gentrified areas.
Enter TrumpOnce President Trump learned of the reverend who preached the metaphysical balkanization of the after life, the Don knew what had to be done. One phone call later and the die was cast. Reverend Johnny’s life was changed.
No more getting paid in Chik-fil-A.
No more juggling balls with strange men for extra cash at truck stops.
And most of all, no more Taco Bell.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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