Local Atheist Decides To Wait Five Seconds Before Sending

Local atheist ponders his deep hatred for Mrs. Doubtfire.
Local atheist ponders his deep hatred for Mrs. Doubtfire.


Many things irritate a local atheist. Those bike rental centers in major cities that don’t provide helmets. They’re just going to create a generation of well intentioned brain injured hipsters. Chunky peanut butter has more than once earned his ire. It’s peanut butter. Butter doesn’t come in chunky. Go into the local refrigerated section of any Stop ‘n Save and there isn’t any special chunky butter. That crappy movie Grease is all about the virtues of conforming to stupid.

He hates that movie more than Gollum loves his precious.

Seeing how many things irritate him this local atheist developed a system on how not to give himself a stroke as well as not alienating too many people. His last memory of the Taco Bell drive through is a distant memory. Excercising seems to help with his anger, too. The major breakthrough came when he adopted the 5 second rule.

The five second rule is simple and elegant. Whenever the local atheist wants to reach through the computer screen and commit sweet violent felonies, he waits five seconds before hitting enter. 

Before the five second rule he wrote replies, blog posts, and even recorded a video or two that were, well, not helplful in avoiding  a freaking stroke. Even though such online content was at times funny and offered some insight, quality suffered. Minor spelling errors occurred because rage doesn’t care about one’s inner grammar fascist. That joke could’ve been worded better, too.

And then came the flame wars. Internet flame wars do not bring out the better angels of anyone’s nature. While the initial stupidity of Uncle Bob’s Facebook post about how awesome eating chunky peanut butter from the jar is as he’s watching Grease was immense, Uncle Bob’s insipid response to being called an idiot caused a distinct spike in the local atheist’s blood pressure.

That five second rule recently kept him from publishing a diatribe about Hemant Mehta’s finger wavering liberalism concerning “a weak attempt at humor.”  However, no system is perfect. There are times the local atheist acts out in blatantly passive-aggressive ways.

The local atheist comforts himself with the harsh truth that we’re a species who has a default setting of stupid. With so much stupid in the world isn’t he allowed to indulge?

He suspects that might be a rationalization.

He’s going to wait five seconds before hitting send.

"Is this really satire or just worst case? Getting hard and hard to tell."

‘Whataboutism’ To Be Enshrined In Texas ..."
"Yes, but...JP wasn't actually talking about giving medicine to your dog. He was using it ..."

Jordan Peterson Thinks You Have Original ..."
"My take-away: we are doomed if the entire current Trump electoral base doesn't improve by ..."

Liberal Redneck Rants About Trump And ..."
"Dude, you should double up on the antipsychotics and stop doubling down on the Axe ..."

Jordan Peterson Thinks You Have Original ..."

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment