Jackson, Mississippi – Governor Andrew Canard signed the Never Sweden bill into law today which illegalizes the narrow inlets created by glaciers thousands of years ago. If a glacier develops in the state and proceeds to carve out a fresh or saltwater fjord, then the mammoth section of ice will be immediately apprehended by law enforcement and charged with a felony. The penalty for such a crime ranges from 20 years in state prison if the glacier is an American citizen, to the death penalty in case the huge mass of ice is of foreign origin. The latter case is considered an act of terrorism. The ice will be smashed into cubes and given to the restaurant chain Chik-fil-A to do with as it will.
“With this stroke of my pen, I preserve Mississippi from unAmerican geological processes,” stated Governor Canard. “It is well known that if we allow fjords, then the next thing we will have are Scandinavian levels of education and health insurance. The people won’t tolerate that.”
The Public Celebrates
Swedish, Norweigan, and Danish effigies burned throughout Mississippi when the bill passed into law. Communities rallied with these spontaneous displays of ignorance with individuals holding signs like “America for American geological formations!” and “Jesus loves swamps!”
Many schools are orchestrating essay writing contests to see which student can put into words the perils posed by fjords.
“My third-grade class has the assignment to write a two-page report on how transgendered Islamic bathrooms and glaciers are making Baby Jesus cry,” stated 15-year veteran teacher, Mrs. Stuart.
The Controversy Spreads
With the passing of the new law, other states are considering similar legislation. The realization that fjords have already dug into the cultural fabric of America in places like Maine, Washington State’s Puget Sound, and Alaska make the threat very real.
Arizona and Texas are leading the charge to organize states so that the Great Wall Against Fjords (GWAF) be built. Organizers think a defensive wall will stop the migration of great masses of ice that form fjords. Once the GWAF is completed, federal and state law enforcement will round up any fjords and send them back to hell hole they came from.
“I’m not saying all glaciers and fjords are rapists and drug dealers, but just look at the data, folks,” an anonymous Republican president stated.
Geological Destiny?Experts watching the debacle are unanimous in thinking the current movement to fight fjords is downright silly.
“By 2050 America is going to be a fjord majority country,” stated one expert. “You can’t fight that.”
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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